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Original poster

No gift after husband comes back from working away

148 replies

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:11

While I do feel that you are being unreasonable expecting a gift, I also feel that your husband is unreasonable for not getting you one, given that you have told him that it is important to you.

I KNOW there are times when I've communicated something to my DH where he must be internally rolling his eyes and thinking I'm being a pain. HOWEVER, if I communicate something to him he will do it out of respect for me. I do the same for him.

PlaygroupWoe · 16/12/2023 08:14

I can totally see where you're coming from. My husband is away frequently too, and he would always bring something home for the kids, but not me. I started feeling forgotten or not seen.

The difference is though, that I spoke to DH about it, and explained how I felt, bow I get a magnet from wherever he's been, and sometimes a Toblerone. It's not about the gift itself, more showing that he's been thinking of me. If that makes me a diva, then I am proudly one!

And I definitely agree with the PP who mentioned love languages. I think it's fine to ask someone to show love to you in a way that you appreciate.

Meadowgrasses · 16/12/2023 08:16

He sounds awful. He’s away for 7 months a year! I’m sorry people have been unkind to you on this thread, I don’t think many of them would actually be fine with their husband buggering for a large part of the year!

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 08:17

I’m on his side.

You’re not a baby. Grow up

LadyBird1973 · 16/12/2023 08:17

What's the point of being married to him? Serious question. You work full time and do all the childcare and on the few occasions he's actually there, he shows no appreciation. Would you be better off without him?

PlaygroupWoe · 16/12/2023 08:18

Also, I do think it's different if you work away overseas, or work away going to the same UK location every time. He doesn't get something every time he spends a few days in London, but if he flies somewhere, he does.

Meadowgrasses · 16/12/2023 08:19

Fizzy - really? You’d work abroad for 7 months a year and return without even a little token from the airport for your dh who’d been on their own managing the house and children and then call him a diva? You sound awful too!

Whataretheodds · 16/12/2023 08:20

I am astonished at these responses!

Your husband works away 7 months of the year which presumably means you are working FT plus responsible for childcare and running of the house by yourself while he's away. I'm not sure a Turks & Caicos keyring would cut it for me in terms of appreciation.

And yes of course it's disappointing if your OH used to make a nice gesture and then stops.

readymealeater · 16/12/2023 08:21

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing.

It's the change in behaviour you are probably upset out. I can understand that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2023 08:22

Why the sarky comments about what kind of gift OP is expecting?

I think it's a fair question. If she would be happy with some perfume or a bottle from the duty free then that isn't much to ask when she's been coping alone for months with children and job. If she is wanting him to bring back a Chanel handbag or a lovingly hand carved statue of her, then her expectations are a bit high.

PlaygroupWoe · 16/12/2023 08:22

HouseChainDrama · 16/12/2023 08:10

I do t really understand why you put up with him opting out of family life and putting all this strain on you.

I'd be demanding he got a different job. He'll claim he can't I expect, but that won't be true.

This is a ridiculous statement when you have no idea what her DH does. Mine could absolutely not change jobs to one that doesn't involve travel. The only way this could happen is he retrains as something completely different which we just can't afford right now.

Codlingmoths · 16/12/2023 08:23

If my husband had zero appreciation that I single parented OUR child 7 months of the year, I’d check into a hotel / family/ friend the day he returned next time, and say I’m WORKING so what is your problem? I work full time what else could you possibly expect me to do for our family? You say you are working so you can’t be expected to do anything for us, while expecting me to do everything. Haha fucking ha it’s your turn for the working and parenting combination with zero fucking appreciation, if you’re really lucky i might be back in 6 months. I’d call my child every day, and if my husband didn’t want to reconsider his attitude then I guess we’d separate.

SaltyFulmar · 16/12/2023 08:24

Oh dear I’m away for about three months of the year to pretty exotic places, spread over around 6 trips, and I’ve never brought my husband back a gift. I’m working and never thought about it. I don’t normally bring the kids back anything either.

He has to be a full time single parent while I’m away, while also working full time himself. I appreciate it. I don’t think a bottle of aftershave or some chocolates from the airport is how to show that thought!

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 08:26

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 08:17

I’m on his side.

You’re not a baby. Grow up

oh come on- that’s awful.

OP, I would want a small gift too, and yes, it sucks that he used to and stopped.

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 08:26

Have you lot been on the sherry?!

Of course OP is not BU to be sad that her op has stopped doing something thoughtful that he used to do, and calls her a diva for expressing her disappointment! Of course she's not. It shows that her h's mindset has changed and perhaps he doesn't care as much as he used to.

Op, you need to sit down and talk honestly to your h. Tell him how you're feeling and what you need from him. See if he can step up. 💐

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 08:27

SaltyFulmar · 16/12/2023 08:24

Oh dear I’m away for about three months of the year to pretty exotic places, spread over around 6 trips, and I’ve never brought my husband back a gift. I’m working and never thought about it. I don’t normally bring the kids back anything either.

He has to be a full time single parent while I’m away, while also working full time himself. I appreciate it. I don’t think a bottle of aftershave or some chocolates from the airport is how to show that thought!

Bring your family something back now and again

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 08:27

My sisters h is a long haul pilot. Agrees that presents very time is ridiculous. Plus he’s working.

readymealeater · 16/12/2023 08:28

Even gulls bring their "wives" back a present every time they go away - they get short shrift if they don't 😂

I remember being told this on a nature watching trip in Shetland years ago.

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 08:28

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 08:17

I’m on his side.

You’re not a baby. Grow up

What a thoughtless, facile comment.

Op parents, works and runs the house with no help from her h for 7 months of the year. I think she's quite grown-up enough.

You, on the other hand...

Lindy2 · 16/12/2023 08:29

That's a lot of time away.

He used to get you a gift but now doesn't. That's a concerning change in how he thinks about you and his time away. I'd be upset about that too.

I interpret a little gift as a token of thoughtfulness. That he's missed you and thought of you.

My DH does the occasional night away. He always comes back with some hotel biscuits and sweets for me and the kids. Just a silly thing but a loving gesture. Things like that are important if they're a normal part of your relationship.

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 08:29

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 08:27

My sisters h is a long haul pilot. Agrees that presents very time is ridiculous. Plus he’s working.

So is OP, but she also has time to run the house, parent her dc...

unless OP's h is working 24/7, he has time to buy a gift.

Are you the op's h?? 🙄

RudsyFarmer · 16/12/2023 08:31

To be honest DP has just come back from four days of working away and it was very bloody difficult. Particularly with the rub up to Christmas. If he’d been away for six weeks somewhere beautiful then hell yes I’d also want a gift!!!

YourNameGoesHere · 16/12/2023 08:40

I'm really surprised anyone thinks you're unreasonable. He opts out of parenting for 7 months of the year and can't even bring you back a small token to show he appreciates you having so long alone with the kids...I'd genuinely be considering staying together as he seems to be bringing very little to the relationship.

SallyWD · 16/12/2023 08:42

Same with my husband. I used to get a gift but now don't. To be honest, I hadn't even noticed until I read your post. It doesn't matter to me.
Is he a good DH in other ways?

Theresit · 16/12/2023 08:43

I wouldn’t expect a gift but gifts rank lowest for me on 5 Love Languages, as they do for DH. So that works just fine for us!