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Original poster

No gift after husband comes back from working away

148 replies

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

OP posts:
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 16/12/2023 14:32

I understand how you feel as I personally love gifts, both giving and receiving and I've been in relationships with thoughtful people and not so thoughtful people. Not getting you a gift may not feel nice but I wouldn't judge a whole relationship on it as his brain may just work differently to you regarding gifts

Mykittensmittens · 16/12/2023 14:39

Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 08:43

Me too. And I'd at least want a fridge magnet.

Show quote history

not to derail, but I lived there for 5 years as a teen - school back in the U.K. during term time. My DF worked there - accountancy - this was 30-40 years ago and it was massively underdeveloped at the time. The beach closest to the house has now been classed as the best beach in the world by many polls and when I was there it was literally deserted with no hotels or anything. It’s a stunning place.

yes I’d have wanted a gift too 😂

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 16/12/2023 16:02

Gift giving, to women, is a relic of the patriarchy and needs to stop. It celebrates a time when women had little agency and money.

gannett · 16/12/2023 18:23

I work away a lot. Sometimes I've got DP some little gifts he was really happy with. Sometimes I've come home empty-handed. It depends where I went, how much spare time I had, which shops it was convenient for me to go to around my work, how much room I had in my luggage, whether I even found anything up his street and transportable back... it was not an indication of my feelings for him. (I also think picking up any old generic shit in duty free just for the sake of it is much more of an insult than not having a gift at all! Neither of us would really care about some overpriced Toblerone, it's entirely pointless.)

Like birthday presents and Xmas presents, it's one of those things that - if you know you are loved and made to feel special every other day, then it just stops mattering. If you feel unloved and neglected 90% of the time, you'll place more importance on it - but that's a symptom of the deeper problem, not the deciding factor.

whirlingdevonish · 16/12/2023 18:26

BabyMinnie · 16/12/2023 10:46

He’s gone 7 out of 12 months? That’s madness, what sort of relationship is that?

How rude!
I know lots of families where one parent is in the navy or army. That's life!
My DH used to work abroad a LOT when the children were young. Always shuttling to and fro the airport. We managed like grown ups.

Now we're retired and thank god we know how to live outside of one another's pockets!

Deebee90 · 16/12/2023 18:34

I’m on his side. His present is coming home in 1 piece to his family and presumably as he works away he’s on a good wage so that helps family life. You are a diva you don’t need a present from every trip sorry

PaperDoIIs · 16/12/2023 18:36

Deebee90 · 16/12/2023 18:34

I’m on his side. His present is coming home in 1 piece to his family and presumably as he works away he’s on a good wage so that helps family life. You are a diva you don’t need a present from every trip sorry

Jesus some standards are low. Now simply staying alive during a work trip is some kind of achievement/gift?

50soonouch · 16/12/2023 18:36

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

Are you serious?????

notacooldad · 16/12/2023 18:39

I can understand how your Dh got out of the habit of buying something, it happens, but if you've said you'd like a bit of something I can't see why he would object to be honest.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 16/12/2023 18:52

I would be expecting perfume, at least. I'm not married, nor do I live with him, but he buys me perfume, or sometimes a Diptique candle, when he goes away for work. I wouldn't want a 'souvenir' but something I use and enjoy.

BabyMinnie · 16/12/2023 19:18

whirlingdevonish · 16/12/2023 18:26

How rude!
I know lots of families where one parent is in the navy or army. That's life!
My DH used to work abroad a LOT when the children were young. Always shuttling to and fro the airport. We managed like grown ups.

Now we're retired and thank god we know how to live outside of one another's pockets!

Show quote history

Why would you start a family and then spend the majority of the time away from that family, especially when there’s children involved? Doesn’t make sense to me but if you like it then I love it

Snippit · 16/12/2023 19:24

I’m just so happy my lovely husband comes home with a smile on his gorgeous face and gives me a great big hug, and says he’s missed me.

C1N1C · 16/12/2023 19:53

Sounds like he set a precedent and now there's butt-hurt the goodies have stopped.

Was he sending money home too? Joint account?

PaperDoIIs · 16/12/2023 20:20

Snippit · 16/12/2023 19:24

I’m just so happy my lovely husband comes home with a smile on his gorgeous face and gives me a great big hug, and says he’s missed me.

Aww aren't you special and sooo much better than all the other wifeys?

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/12/2023 20:23

I wouldn't be married or even in a relationship with someone who works away for months at a time so if I was for whatever reason, a gift would be the least he could do.

whirlingdevonish · 16/12/2023 20:28

Horses courses then isn't it @SouthLondonMum22 ?

Been married 30 years to DH. I knew when I married him that his work took him to different continents. That was fine. We got on so well, and respected one another's careers. And fancied each other like mad. Still do. But still like our own space from time to time!

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 16/12/2023 20:37

C1N1C · 16/12/2023 19:53

Sounds like he set a precedent and now there's butt-hurt the goodies have stopped.

Was he sending money home too? Joint account?

Why??
Is the OP only ‘allowed’ to be unhappy about him nit thinking of her if he hasn’t been paying fur stuff back home. Fir the keeping of his own child, the house he owns etc?
Despite the fact that, as he is travelling fir work, all his expenses are paid fir him.

Or is that that the OP is only allowed to be unhappy if she is also wft AND raising a kid AND supporting his career all at the same time?

Seriously, since when is to ok to link respect for your partner to how much you have putting in the table to keep the house going? 🤬🤬🤬

Hellenika · 16/12/2023 20:41

I’m reading alot about the OP wanting to be appreciated for getting to stay home with the DC. I agree with reasons why as keeping a home going for months when a parent is away is a challenge, so not going to repeat the good points already made.

But where is the appreciation for the parent that has to travel away from home months and months in a year? It’s not easy missing your DC’s first steps, first day of school, birthdays, Christmases? It’s work, not a holiday. Work trips also usually do not go by a 8hr work day schedule. It is a sacrifice to have to work abroad, not a jolly. You think he doesn’t miss you every time he closes his eyes to sleep? That you and the DC are not the first thought when he wakes up?

If there are to be gifts to show appreciation, then you both deserve a gift 🎁

BananaSplitsss · 16/12/2023 20:45

My husband works around nine months of the year away abroad.

I am at breaking point . Quite fucking literally. Three diazepam in tonight .

Is it the TV industry by any chance?

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 20:46

Hellenika · 16/12/2023 20:41

I’m reading alot about the OP wanting to be appreciated for getting to stay home with the DC. I agree with reasons why as keeping a home going for months when a parent is away is a challenge, so not going to repeat the good points already made.

But where is the appreciation for the parent that has to travel away from home months and months in a year? It’s not easy missing your DC’s first steps, first day of school, birthdays, Christmases? It’s work, not a holiday. Work trips also usually do not go by a 8hr work day schedule. It is a sacrifice to have to work abroad, not a jolly. You think he doesn’t miss you every time he closes his eyes to sleep? That you and the DC are not the first thought when he wakes up?

If there are to be gifts to show appreciation, then you both deserve a gift 🎁

Sure it's a sacrifice for some, some actively enjoy being away though and not having the burden of their own children for the time they are away. You make it sound like they have zero choice in working away and are doing it for the good of their family; sure sometimes this is the case, sometimes it isn't.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/12/2023 20:46

whirlingdevonish · 16/12/2023 20:28

Horses courses then isn't it @SouthLondonMum22 ?

Been married 30 years to DH. I knew when I married him that his work took him to different continents. That was fine. We got on so well, and respected one another's careers. And fancied each other like mad. Still do. But still like our own space from time to time!

Absolutely.

I just simply wouldn't want to have children with someone who spent so much time away with work leaving me to be the default parent.

Hellenika · 16/12/2023 20:53

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 20:46

Sure it's a sacrifice for some, some actively enjoy being away though and not having the burden of their own children for the time they are away. You make it sound like they have zero choice in working away and are doing it for the good of their family; sure sometimes this is the case, sometimes it isn't.

Show quote history

What utopia is this? Where no one is stuck in a job that requires travel because millions of better jobs are just begging to be taken?

I think far fewer workers that travel enjoy being away from their families than you think. My job had tons of travel, and the vast majority of us were not like whooo hooo I got six weeks away from the ankle biting brats and the old ball and chain.

Most of us were working for the good of our family.

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 21:20

Hellenika · 16/12/2023 20:53

What utopia is this? Where no one is stuck in a job that requires travel because millions of better jobs are just begging to be taken?

I think far fewer workers that travel enjoy being away from their families than you think. My job had tons of travel, and the vast majority of us were not like whooo hooo I got six weeks away from the ankle biting brats and the old ball and chain.

Most of us were working for the good of our family.

Edited
Show quote history

There are lots of jobs that don't require being away from home for more than half off the year, its disingenuous to suggest otherwise. There's a difference between travelling for work and spending a few weeks here and there away and being away more than you are home with a young family. 7 months a year is a substantial amount of time, especially with a partner who works full time whilst doing everything at home for the children. I'm sure with OPs wage also coming into the household it would be possible to find a job with less time away if so inclined.

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 21:26

My dad worked away for 4 days in one week of every month, overseeing the management of another factory in Lincolnshire (he managed one in Newcastle) . My mam and I used to meet him at Newcastle train station and always had presents for both of us - nothing big, a couple of books for me and a book and some chocolates for mam. I loved it!

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 21:31

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 21:26

My dad worked away for 4 days in one week of every month, overseeing the management of another factory in Lincolnshire (he managed one in Newcastle) . My mam and I used to meet him at Newcastle train station and always had presents for both of us - nothing big, a couple of books for me and a book and some chocolates for mam. I loved it!

Your dad was at home 3 days out of every week though! Not away 7 months out the 12 in the year.