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Original poster

No gift after husband comes back from working away

148 replies

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

OP posts:
FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 21:33

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 16/12/2023 16:02

Gift giving, to women, is a relic of the patriarchy and needs to stop. It celebrates a time when women had little agency and money.

Oh FGS. 🙄

OP @noodlemcnoodle YABU. I don't see why he needs to bring you gifts back from 'work.' But as other pp's have said I could not be in a relationship where we are apart 7 months of the year. Wouldn't work for me. You may as well be a single parent. Only difference is, you may get a little bit more income (from him.)

As @Peablockfeathers there are plenty of jobs people could have that don't involve being away so much. As for the 'what about the services?' Many people who have partners in the services travel around/move around with them. I can't imagine what job takes someone away 7 months out of 12, and the family don't see him at all. OP hasn't been back since she posted, so I guess we might not find out.

I would wonder if he had a secret life to be honest! 😬

Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:22

I bought him his favourite coffee beans, the bread he likes and made him his favourite dinner..

OP posts:
Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:27

He works in TV, so is away alot. I now work full time but for the first 16 months after I had our daughter I would go with him but not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:29

I don't know, but I personally like giving gifts and receiving them. Just something that shows you appreciate that you've been taking the heavy load for the family and I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:31

It's not 7 months in one go, it's 6 weeks, then in January he is away for 2 months , back for 3 days then away for 4 days then away again for 4 weeks...

OP posts:
BabyMinnie · 16/12/2023 22:39

I think the very LEAST someone can do when they’re away for so long is bring back a bloody gift for their partner. Yes it’s work and not a holiday but I’m guessing they have days off? I’m guessing they can pick up a little token from the airport which shows the OP that her husband is thinking of her. Something?

Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:45

How am I high maintenance??? I've just done 6 weeks solo parenting, working full time, sorting out Christmas, taking care of everything, he was working then off snorking with turtles!! If your supposed to be part of a team then if one of the team is doing the heavy lifting then the other should show some application.

OP posts:
Original poster
noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:49

yes, works in TV. Its very hard isn't it?? xx

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 22:51

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 21:31

Your dad was at home 3 days out of every week though! Not away 7 months out the 12 in the year.

Show quote history

No- he was away for 4 days every month. I know what you mean- it wasn't a long time. I'm just making the point that he always brought us a small gift to say he'd missed us.

schmuzz · 17/12/2023 05:24

I wouldn't even bother being married to someone away that much, never mind calling me a diva. Gift him a divorce.

Swishyfishy · 17/12/2023 05:34

If he shows his appreciation in other ways it wouldn’t bother me. I’d be quite touched if he did give gifts.

notquitesoyoung · 17/12/2023 05:38

Just buy something you want - depending on his attitude to money & gift giving it can take up a lot of energy trying to get it right. I have a husband who travels and would hate him to come back with a present I hadn't asked for every time he's away. Your set up needs to be structured so it works for everyone- having one person working away extensively and another full time working is tough, particularly on any DC. Non working & non traveling time is in short supply so some household tasks are better farmed out where possible which will also help with the non traveling parent not getting over burdened.

Annon00 · 17/12/2023 05:44

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:31

It's not 7 months in one go, it's 6 weeks, then in January he is away for 2 months , back for 3 days then away for 4 days then away again for 4 weeks...

That’s sounds incredibly tough. He should be doing all he can to mitigate the impact on you and connect whilst he’s home.

Honestly, I don’t think I could cope with this working pattern. Sounds horrific. So hats off to you.

Gumbo · 17/12/2023 06:03

I've worked away on and off for many years. In the beginning it was a bit of a novelty and I would always pick up something at the airport for my DC... I soon regretted it as DC started expecting something each time I came home, which for many reasons wasn't always feasible. Occasionally I'd get DH something too if I had time. It didn't take me very long to reset expectations, and it then became a surprise for them if I brought them something.

However, I always made it clear to DH how grateful I was that he was doing all the childcare. But if he'd got upset and insisted that I wasn't really grateful because I hadn't bought him a present I'd have been unimpressed 🤔.

I do think that people who don't work away have no understanding of how tiring and lonely it can be (I didn't before I did it) and just think it's a paid holiday...

ChateauDuMont · 17/12/2023 06:16

' I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away.'

What gift did you buy him to show appreciation of the sacrifice he has made in having to work away from his loved ones?

Tinybrother · 17/12/2023 07:13

ChateauDuMont · 17/12/2023 06:16

' I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away.'

What gift did you buy him to show appreciation of the sacrifice he has made in having to work away from his loved ones?

The op answered that one, if you had read properly before leaping to snark

”I bought him his favourite coffee beans, the bread he likes and made him his favourite dinner..”

Dinkydoo17 · 17/12/2023 07:51

AlwaysFreezing · 16/12/2023 06:51

7 months? That's an enormous amount of time away.

I'd want a fucking Toblerone too.

This made me laugh out loud 🤣

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 08:10

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 22:45

How am I high maintenance??? I've just done 6 weeks solo parenting, working full time, sorting out Christmas, taking care of everything, he was working then off snorking with turtles!! If your supposed to be part of a team then if one of the team is doing the heavy lifting then the other should show some application.

You're only high maintenance because some posters think that the fact he remembers to keep breathing should be enough . Grin

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 17/12/2023 08:21

ChateauDuMont · 17/12/2023 06:16

' I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away.'

What gift did you buy him to show appreciation of the sacrifice he has made in having to work away from his loved ones?

Who says it is a sacrifice to him though?

A job like that one is one you have chosen. He is getting a great career. He never has to think about all the mundane stuff like the running the house, the dcs etc… a full time job in itself. He is getting to have some time off (snorkelling with turtles).

onanotherday · 17/12/2023 08:54

I think I would be a bit sad too, OP. It's not the gift, is it?..More the fact that he thought about doing something nice while apart .

It's difficult because you don't want him to buy something now just because you asked him.

I might focus a conversation about the feeling of appreciation and kindness that has gone.

Usernamechange1234 · 17/12/2023 09:01

I’m with you OP! What an arse!

You’re absolutely right, it’s not difficult just to show he’s thinking of you when he’s away on one of these long trips. I’m a gift giver to my husband always small but I often bring him home things, just to show I care and he’s at the forefront of my mind.

The trouble is now that he’s stopped doing that it’s sent a message to your sub conscious that he doesn’t care anymore, that’s the greater problem.

He needs to understand that. And absolute nonsense that he’s working all the time and can’t manage to grab a gift!

I’m angry for you!

whirlingdevonish · 17/12/2023 09:04

Gumbo · 17/12/2023 06:03

I've worked away on and off for many years. In the beginning it was a bit of a novelty and I would always pick up something at the airport for my DC... I soon regretted it as DC started expecting something each time I came home, which for many reasons wasn't always feasible. Occasionally I'd get DH something too if I had time. It didn't take me very long to reset expectations, and it then became a surprise for them if I brought them something.

However, I always made it clear to DH how grateful I was that he was doing all the childcare. But if he'd got upset and insisted that I wasn't really grateful because I hadn't bought him a present I'd have been unimpressed 🤔.

I do think that people who don't work away have no understanding of how tiring and lonely it can be (I didn't before I did it) and just think it's a paid holiday...

You put this so well. I felt I was the privileged one to be at home with the children. DH loved the travelling when he was single. But once the children came along he missed us all. There is always an assumption that husbands who work away are childcare shirking b@stards. I think they exist in all walks of life. And working away generally meant working weekends and 12 hour days every day. I wouldn't have fancied that. I was quite happy to take the children to the library and park at weekends. Lovely it was.

I have a friend who didn't allow her husband to travel with work away at all. As a result it stymied his earning - could have been huge. But he settled for a safe mid-range job. She also moans about lack of money. Well that could have been different!

HermioneWeasley · 17/12/2023 09:04

When I worked away I always brought my wife a gift. Fortunately she loves sunglasses and toblerones because the only shopping I could do was in airports!

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2023 09:06

Isn’t it normal for the focus to be on children once you have them? Sweets is a bit mean. My husband always bought them something thoughtful.

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2023 09:13

I wouldn't have thought there was a whole lot to buy in the Turks and Caicos- misses the point Smile

When DH goes away I'd ask him to get me something I wanted from duty free or I'd tell him not to bother I'd get something I wanted myself ( a wee treat ) at home instead. He'd always get something for the dcs though.