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Original poster

No gift after husband comes back from working away

148 replies

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 08:43

2Old2Tango · 16/12/2023 07:05

totally aside, I'm more interested in what sort of job takes you to the Turks and Caicos for 6 weeks!

Me too. And I'd at least want a fridge magnet.

CuriousMoe · 16/12/2023 08:47

My Dad used to work away a lot and still does sometimes, though he’s slowing down a bit now. His industry means long hours often outdoors, so not always pleasant… though I do remember a 4 month stint he spent in the Seychelles which he didn’t complain about half as much! He’d generally bring us back something from his travels… we have troves of wood carvings, pottery, sports shirts from local teams, paintings, indigenous instruments, the odd loose jewel. He always had a story of where he got them and it made us feel a part of his travels, we never expected though and they were family gifts, not individual ones but I’d have felt less connected to him if he hadn’t made that effort… especially as this was all before the invention of video calling. We could go weeks without hearing from him!

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/12/2023 08:52

Away for 7 months of the year. I think a lot of posters on here have no idea how much strain being away that much can put on a marriage.

I hope you're going off and getting plenty of breaks/free time when he's back. My DH did a 3 weeks on 3 weeks off type rota when our DC were small but he often found a reason to extend his absences which was frustrating and ultimately not what I had signed up for. We almost broke up, too much time apart and it's difficult to adjust back to being a family again and everyone gets upset. I don't think YABU

DrJump · 16/12/2023 09:05

7 weeks away I would think a present would be a nice thing. Even if was something for the two of you to share like some wine, something to eat or something.

For those banging on about the language of love it's nonsense made up by a fundamentalist Christian with no qualifications.

TwilightSkies · 16/12/2023 09:08

Hell yeah I’d expect a gift for doing all the parenting, house shit, mental load AND working FT.
Does he show appreciation in other ways?

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 09:12

He could have bought a small thoughtful gift, some local crafts or something.
It's a gesture more than anything.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 09:13

High maintenance i would label it

pizzaHeart · 16/12/2023 09:15

cuckyplunt · 16/12/2023 06:50

I would be saying “Don’t come back without a present for me…” and I would get one. But I am a diva!

And what would you do if you haven’t got one? Genuinely curious.

WhereIsMyCupOfTea · 16/12/2023 09:15

He's been working, not lounging about on holiday. My husband had a job where he worked away a lot (not abroad), but never once came back with a present, and I never once expected him to.

PaperDoIIs · 16/12/2023 09:17

WhereIsMyCupOfTea · 16/12/2023 09:15

He's been working, not lounging about on holiday. My husband had a job where he worked away a lot (not abroad), but never once came back with a present, and I never once expected him to.

Edited

He doesn't work 24/7 does he?

YourNameGoesHere · 16/12/2023 09:20

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 09:13

High maintenance i would label it

You'd label wanting a bit of appreciation for single handedly looking after the children and home whilst working full time for 7 months of the year high maintenance? I mean good for you if you'd do all that without any expectations of recognition from someone who supposedly loves you but my bar is a tad higher.

furtivetussling · 16/12/2023 09:24

I get exactly where you are coming from OP. I can't imagine being away from my family for all those weeks in a tropical paradise without seeing some little memento and going "Ooh, DH would like that".

It is almost as if you were out of sight, out of mind the whole time he was there.

Longma · 16/12/2023 09:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

FizzyLaser · 16/12/2023 09:28

Ooh ouch. You burn

GreatGateauxsby · 16/12/2023 09:31

Wow...
Is he a very high earner???

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/12/2023 09:37

Never done presents when either dh or I are away for work (or leisure for that matter!).

But the OP's dh used to and now doesn't, she is obviously asking for appreciation and used to feel it if she got a gift. If she got the appreciation she wouldn't care about gifts, I suspect.

HikingforScenery · 16/12/2023 09:42

No way would DH go away abroad and not bring us all something. I’d definitely bring back something too.

Divebar2021 · 16/12/2023 09:46

Posters think that being away for 7 months of the year is the same as working as a long haul pilot or working in the U.K. for a few days? I don’t think the majority of us would want to be in a relationship with someone away that often and I don’t think a small bloody bottle of perfume or interesting item from the location you’ve been is asking a lot.

LadyWithLapdog · 16/12/2023 09:51

Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 08:43

Me too. And I'd at least want a fridge magnet.

Show quote history

Arranging tax avoidance schemes for dodgy clients? 😂

wp65 · 16/12/2023 10:45

Pamspeople · 16/12/2023 06:50

If he doesn't appreciate what you do for his child then you have a much bigger problem than the lack of a present. Was this always the deal, that you would do the childcare so that he can work away more than half the year?

Yes, this puts it well.

Does this arrangement work for you, OP? It wouldn't work for me.

BabyMinnie · 16/12/2023 10:46

He’s gone 7 out of 12 months? That’s madness, what sort of relationship is that?

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 16/12/2023 11:09

On one hand, he is working away, is working away a lot so I imagine it feels normal to him co there is no need for gifts etc…
Eg DH was travelling away a lot, away half of the time. He never brought back anything.

On the other side, 7 months out 12 away like this is fucking hard.
Dh was away a lot when the dcs were little - shorter trips but much more often so it worked out as 7 days away out of 14.
You do feel like you are on your own all the time (DH never got into a 50/50 split because … well … not into the routine, doesn’t quite know what to do etc etc… and if I’m honest, I was so used to do it all that I simply automatically carried on.)
So yes some token of appreciation fir the work you are doing whilst he is away, some appreciation on how you are supporting him wouldn’t go amiss.

So I think it’s not about the gift. Its a much bigger issue within your marriage. It’s about not been taken fir granted. It’s about him recognising the cost to you of him travelling that much.
I think you need a conversation. And I think you need to learn to put yourself first (at least some if the time) and expect him to step up fir you the way you are doing it fir him.

CuriousMoe · 16/12/2023 11:28

For those suggesting that a relationship can’t work or isn’t “real” because one partner works away is being a little insensitive and perhaps doesn’t understand that there are jobs out there that require this and the people that do them are allowed to have families. My Dad has had a few occasions he’s been away for a year working and providing for his family. My parents have been married over 50 years… it just takes a lot of work, love and a little bit of luck. Once for a whole year my dad drove back from France every single weekend he wasn’t working to see us. My mum had a hard time looking after us, yes, but my dad was also away from his young family, working often 12 hour days in all kinds of weather. Thoughtful gifts are a small demonstration of appreciation but not the only way.

rwalker · 16/12/2023 11:31

We’re you expecting one of those Willy shaped bottle openers

PaperDoIIs · 16/12/2023 12:45

rwalker · 16/12/2023 11:31

We’re you expecting one of those Willy shaped bottle openers

For a lot of people it's not about the actual gift, but the fact that in 6 weeks, her husband thought about her , even for a minute in a busy airport. That despite the distance she still features in his thoughts and is a priority somewhere on the list.