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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unemployed Dh now signed off for a year- fed up and skint!

319 replies

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:16

Dh has been unemployed for over 9 months. He's been applying for remote work but not getting any where. I think he's now given up as he has diabetes and side effects .
He was on jsa but has now had a meeting with the disability person who has signed him off as unfit to work.
But he's capable of working. He spends all his time on the computer. He walks the dogs for miles, potters in the garden etc.
He's late 50s so I think he's subtly retiring
But we can't afford it.
I work ft and can just afford rent bills and food. There is no spare money. We have spent our savings.
We have teenagers who want to go out with friends and spend money.
I'm starting to feel really resentful of someone I see 24/7 who now has a cushy life.
How do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
lesdeluges · 14/12/2023 19:59

Do assessors work on Sundays?

Ask DH for the paperwork on the decision to sign him off, and the medical reports.

That's for starters.

Blueeyedmale · 14/12/2023 20:00

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:53

I haven't seen any paperwork. I'm pushing him to apply for a blue badge/ disabled bus pass .
There was a phonecall on Sunday from an assessor but I didn't hear the conversation. He said he's been signed off as unfit to work and they'll reassess in a year.

On a Sunday OP that's very rare I know they do on a Saturday sometimes but Sunday I'm not sure,do you think he's being completely honest with you?

Zoflorabore · 14/12/2023 20:02

My dp also had an assessment a couple of Sundays ago- at 8.30am. Op is not lying. Why would she make this up? Literally nothing to gain by saying he was called on a Sunday if he wasn’t.

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:03

WillowTit · 14/12/2023 19:55

you are fed up because you are skint?
not much compassion coming across, if any,
the teens will have to learn compassion also

Maybe HE should have some compassion for the woman and children he’s very obviously lying to and taking for a ride

Ask to see the paperwork. There will be paperwork. There’s always paperwork.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:03

Thanks now something else to worry about. I was feeling better that we have some official disability thing now it may not be true!

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 14/12/2023 20:03

Zoflorabore · 14/12/2023 20:02

My dp also had an assessment a couple of Sundays ago- at 8.30am. Op is not lying. Why would she make this up? Literally nothing to gain by saying he was called on a Sunday if he wasn’t.

Edited

The point I (and I assume everyone else) was making is whether the husband is lying, not the OP

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:05

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:03

Thanks now something else to worry about. I was feeling better that we have some official disability thing now it may not be true!

He can apply for PIP regardless whether it’s an ‘official disability’ or whatever.

PIP is not a means tested benefit. You can get it even if you earn £100k. It’s about your condition and how it affects you.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2023 20:05

He is ill. And has been signed off as unfit for work. If this was a woman she'd be getting loads of sympathy and her DH written off as a cruel abuser.

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:07

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:05

He can apply for PIP regardless whether it’s an ‘official disability’ or whatever.

PIP is not a means tested benefit. You can get it even if you earn £100k. It’s about your condition and how it affects you.

Show quote history

Which is to say, he could have applied for it at any point. He didn’t need to be assessed in the WRA group for ESA.

lesdeluges · 14/12/2023 20:07

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:03

Thanks now something else to worry about. I was feeling better that we have some official disability thing now it may not be true!

OP I know you are tired and fed up, but at the very least surely your husband would have shown you emails, paperwork, medical reports etc., confirming his year of sign off. I would have thought you would like to see it too and would have asked for it and discussed it with your DH.

Have you done that, and have you seen the medical reports? I know medical issues are confidential, but you are husband and wife, and this is impacting the entire family, mostly you so I can see no reason that you both would not be open about it.

I may be wrong and you have already seen the entire paper trail from day one.

SecondUsername4me · 14/12/2023 20:07

Viviennemary · 14/12/2023 20:05

He is ill. And has been signed off as unfit for work. If this was a woman she'd be getting loads of sympathy and her DH written off as a cruel abuser.

Shed get none from me. Unemployed for 9m? No desire to work? Physically able (dog walks and long hikes), technically able (IT experience and able to sit on computer all day when "off sick")

Blueeyedmale · 14/12/2023 20:08

Zoflorabore · 14/12/2023 20:02

My dp also had an assessment a couple of Sundays ago- at 8.30am. Op is not lying. Why would she make this up? Literally nothing to gain by saying he was called on a Sunday if he wasn’t.

Edited

If you read what I asked you would see that I didn't say the OP was lying so not sure how you came to that conclusion

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 20:08

Neuropathy is extremely unpleasant.

If he has neuropathy as a result of his diabetes then it is at least possible he is telling the truth.

I have neuropathy in just one of my feet as a result of an accident.

I don't have full sensation in that foot and cannot fully control it. If I'm tired I lose motor control and can't move it.

It hurts constantly and I take serious painkillers for the pain.

My walking ability varies massively but I mostly use a wheelchair.

I can't work full-time as the pain really causes me problems.

How bad is his neuropathy?
If he has it in his hands as well then he may well not be able to work as he'd be able to type for short periods only,

Neriah · 14/12/2023 20:08

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 19:51

It’s very likely he’s lying to her.

Show quote history

That's one of the possibilities.

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:09

Viviennemary · 14/12/2023 20:05

He is ill. And has been signed off as unfit for work. If this was a woman she'd be getting loads of sympathy and her DH written off as a cruel abuser.

If a woman came on saying the DEP assessor had called her and told her at the end of the assessment that she’s ’signed off’ work for a year, people would be asking pointed questions.

This isn’t the language of ESA. And being in the WRA does come with having to see a work coach regularly.

caringcarer · 14/12/2023 20:09

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:28

He has neuropathy in his hands and feet but is on a lot of medication now so it's stable.
I want him to apply for pip as that would help.
He cashed in pension recently but told me it was savings.
I have a pension but still have 20 years of work to go so it'll go up quite well.

So he lies to you too. This is bad. How can he cash in his pension before he is 55?

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:10

I do know he's ill. I am sympathetic I don't ask him to do any housework or mental load. He walks the dogs twice a day and that's it. He can tinker with his computers, nap, watch TV etc but he did all that while wfh as well nothing has changed .

OP posts:
WillowTit · 14/12/2023 20:10

he is late 50s @caringcarer

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:10

Neriah · 14/12/2023 20:08

That's one of the possibilities.

Show quote history

He lied to her about cashing in his pension…

So he has form.

Is he seeing his work coach regularly OP?

WillowTit · 14/12/2023 20:11

you need to manage your teenagers expectations op

JustOneMoreBaileys · 14/12/2023 20:11

Apart from anything else, if he hasn't found a WFH role in IT in 9 months, he is seriously off with his job searching (eg looking for an unrealistic salary for his skills or allowing his skills to stagnate so that he no longer is up with tech).

They are 10 a penny in tech. Pretty much anyone I interview now is looking for a remote role - and finding them easily.

lesdeluges · 14/12/2023 20:12

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:10

I do know he's ill. I am sympathetic I don't ask him to do any housework or mental load. He walks the dogs twice a day and that's it. He can tinker with his computers, nap, watch TV etc but he did all that while wfh as well nothing has changed .

Have you seen and discussed the diagnosis and the decision maker's paperwork? No doubt he is unwell, but you might need to verify ALL the facts surrounding his sign off for a year. I would. In fact discussing it and sharing information would be the first thing to do.

Neriah · 14/12/2023 20:12

Sidebeforeself · 14/12/2023 19:55

@Neriah Your friend is wrong. I have worked for the dept on and off for 30 years also at a senior level.

Well one of you is wrong. She's been at a very senior level and longer than you. And the targets have been widely discussed for decades. And she's worked for them permanently. Perhaps they don't tell people who work for them here and there the truth?

InefficientProcess · 14/12/2023 20:12

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 20:10

I do know he's ill. I am sympathetic I don't ask him to do any housework or mental load. He walks the dogs twice a day and that's it. He can tinker with his computers, nap, watch TV etc but he did all that while wfh as well nothing has changed .

Of course you are carrying 100% of the mental and the vast majority of the practical load (barring a bit of dog walking).

It’s ok to resent this.

caringcarer · 14/12/2023 20:13

Hibambinos · 14/12/2023 19:45

I bet if you divorced him and he lived alone he would miraculously leap into employment….

Yes, after he's taken half your pension.