Unemployed Dh now signed off for a year- fed up and skint!

[Stressedgiraffe]

Dh has been unemployed for over 9 months. He's been applying for remote work but not getting any where. I think he's now given up as he has diabetes and side effects .
He was on jsa but has now had a meeting with the disability person who has signed him off as unfit to work.
But he's capable of working. He spends all his time on the computer. He walks the dogs for miles, potters in the garden etc.
He's late 50s so I think he's subtly retiring
But we can't afford it.
I work ft and can just afford rent bills and food. There is no spare money. We have spent our savings.
We have teenagers who want to go out with friends and spend money.
I'm starting to feel really resentful of someone I see 24/7 who now has a cushy life.
How do I stop feeling like this?

The longer he is off, the more difficult it will be to get a job. A year and he won't have worked for nearly two years. I would never countenance employing him, especially in IT as you become so deskilled.

Maybe he needs to consider applying for jobs lower than his skill base and prove himself. Can he also do some time in the office as many IT jobs still need to start of with so,e or all office based and then move remote, unless contracting.

I know two brothers who have had diabetes their whole lives. They both limp, I very much doubt they could go out dog walking, or not very far. They both work full time, and don't wfh. Their father also limped badly, and yet held down a full time job until retirement - I think one of the sons had an office based job, the father and other son didn't. I'm sure if anyone had suggested any of them sit at home becuase they were "unfit to work" they would be appalled.

What are you banging on about? I, and many others, were babysitting at 15 or younger, and I don't recall any of these terrible things happening. We always had a phone number where we could contact the parents, and as a last resort could presumably call on our own parents.

I would hate to live with all these "what ifs" in my head. No wonder there are so many young people who can't cope with life.

Thing is, it's possible to have diabetes and also be a bit workshy. Having an illness doesn't actually cause you to have a better personality that other people. The husband being described here is giving every impression of someone who doesn't really want to work and isn't trying very hard at all.

Your 15 yr old is in the minority though. No one will take on under 16s round here.

The fact he lied to you about his pension is a big deal. Time to sit down and talk through the facts. Total transparency about his claim.

The pronation thing means you'll have to work doubly hard to save enough in a pension to look after you both in retirement. His attitude stinks tbh.

I work with a chronic illness so it’s not impossible. I could easily be signed off as unfit for work if I was on job seekers. I take 80mg slow release oxycodone per day and top ups of immediate one which enables me to function. I don’t think you’re being unfair by being annoyed, let’s face it you know him better than anyone on here. Of course it’s not easy working with a chronic illness, I am in constant pain but better than I was before I had half my pancreas removed (gallstones damaged my pancreas and it’s incredibly painful having a damaged pancreas). Most employers will provide adjustments. We have quite a few people with physical diseases, including one similar to your partner. We can make adjustments to help people work.

Working brings a lot of benefits other than income, better for mental health (in most cases), that routine really brings some stability to peoples lives, plus social, even if I don’t go into the office I’m on calls with others. If I went on sickness benefits (which is easily qualify for) I’d soon spiral into a depression and feel I had limited value to society etc. Not saying that’s what people on sickness benefits feel like; just how I’d feel.

Have a chat with him, tell him you’re really worried that you’re the only earner and how pressured you feel. Working part time sounds like a good solution. Have a look at PIP - it’s not about the illness itself but how affected he is, does he need help cooking food, having a shower, using the toilet. Have a look at the questions and use a charity or organisation to help. It’s not a benefit that compensates someone for being disabled but is to help pay for additional help for things you struggle with. Eg you might need a cleaner as you can’t do the housework without pain, you might need to pay for takeaways or expensive ready meals as you can’t cook, etc etc

We recently got a new member of staff age 72 (government). It’s definitely possible to get a job still in your 50/60’s

Fantastic that this has happened in your organisation, but you’d be fooling yourself if you thought this was anything but the exception to the rule.

Most people who qualify for ESA will qualify for PIP (but yes you can qualify for PIP and not qualify for the ESA.)

Really? Is that a fact? I must tell the 3 people I know on ESA who were refused PIP. ESA and PIP are basically the same - and they should qualify for both! Maybe they should contact their MP!

You only get 2 fit notes over 6 months before you’re required to do a WCA. If he’s been signed off for a year, then surely he has already been assessed.

Well I guess one could make a distinction between qualifying for PIP and actually being awarded it.

Blue badges are very difficult to obtain. I have one as l can only walk about 10 paces. If he can walk a dog he wouldn’t get one.

@iamenough2023 23

Hello OP, I have not been in the same position as you, having a husband who is sick and on disability, but some years ago my ex had a series of job losses and I remember distinctly how difficult it was for me to cope with the way he was handling it.

Once, he was off work for nine months too. It was always difficult for me to have honest conversations with him, so I would ask, every now and then how the job hunt was going and he would be so vague about it as if that was not supposed to be the first priority in his life.

He spent months working in the garden, surfing the net and god knows what while I was working and kids were at school. He was saying he was looking online, but in his industry, I thought, going door to door would have been better. He would get so offended when I would suggest things to him, like calling his former bosses to ask if they needed workers or pizza delivery jobs, that I knew a lot of men were taking as additional income. It was driving me crazy.

On top of it all, he was not picking up extra house chores at all. He was doing nothing but cooking and even then he was not in a rush to do it, so I would often cook when I come from work as I did not have patience to wait for him to do it. I already was not happy with him over other things in life but this seriously eroded my respect for him. It was a nightmare.

I have known a few women with men like this, and I don't know how they tolerate them to be honest. It also has to be said, these men who don't want to work, never do fuck-all in the house either.

Sound like my neighbour - who is also a friend. She has a chronic illness that's actually very unpredictable. She is OK some days, and in pain and unable to do very little other days. She had to regrettably retire from work about 5 years ago when she was 51. Much to the absolute disgust of her husband who is a couple of years younger and so jealous that he had to continue working! 'Oh it's all right for you!' he moaned 'little miss no-work!' (Fcking cnt!)

I mean, you know, she does have a bloody chronic illness that put her in some degree of pain all the time - and in horrific pain some of the time. And she did work for 35 years! But no, he's bitter and resentful that she's off work, pretty much for good now. And he actually suggested last year. that he should be her 'carer,' and give up his job! He has looked into it and said he will get 80 or 90 pounds a week or something, and that they can claim housing benefit for the rent. They rent social housing.

But she says there's absolutely no way in fucking hell that he's going to be finishing his job to be her carer. because he will just sit down his arse all day watching television, and sleeping in his chair, and going for walks with the dog, and going to the pub 5 times a week, and stopping there 3 or 4 hours - and doing absolutely nothing in the house. She would still be taking all mental load and having to do physical things around the house as well.

Some certain physical things she can't do some days, and some certain physical things she can't do at ALL, because she can't lift heavy things and she struggles to open things ... (and he has to do it!) But she certainly does about 80-85% of most of the things in the house, and all the home admin. She pretty much said he literally would not do anything. He would just sit on his arse all day as he is bone idle.

That's the thing you see. When men are off, they do fuck-all in the household.

Well yes, but definitely are opportunities out there. You can’t say someone is written off in late 50’s and has no choice but to live off benefits

I find the lack of transparency between you both weird.

Do you not share money? You think he cashed his pension in, and he says it’s his savings? Do you not share savings? Know how much money each other has?

Yes I agree that’s what is supposed to happen.

But as I said, I dint know anyone who has gone through a reassessment. The most I’ve come across is DWP doing a check with the GP. And the person not even been involved with it. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

im confused, i dont pretend to know the disability benefits system well, ive never worked with it myself, but if he is signed off as unfit to work should he not be getting monthly payments instead? also, diabetic neuropathy, is actually a severe condition. im not sure how fit to work someone with diabetic neuropathy would be, unless its VERY mild, it might have to e.g. part time only...
i think remote working jobs are very difficult to get especially as a new hire. i struggle to get one myself and im in an industry which is perfect for it.

I never said it was. But rergardless of what some people here think, the DWP does have targets, it does apply them, and at whose behest is irrelevant. Anyone who thinks otherwise is ignoring decades of investigations and reports showing the devastating impacts on vulnerable people. Whether the OP husband is disabled is an entirely different matter.

Yep. This is a common misconception. PIP is nothing to do with the ability to work - it’s an assessment of how well you manage daily living and mobility activities - largely to do with personal care. ESA is decided by the work capability assessment, which is totally different and does not factor into PIP decisions.

I’ll say it again DWP doesn’t have targets to stop peoples money

No, but they do have targets for how much benefit they award. It’s why DLA was scrapped and PiP was introduced. DLA was deemed to be too easy to claim so PIP replaced it and was much harder to claim as the descriptors were totally different. PIP isn’t about supporting the disabled, it’s about saving money. And DWP are aware that in many cases vulnerable claimants who are rejected for PIP won’t appeal because it’s been made too hard. So benefit savings by the back door.

And I will say it again that they have tagets to get people off various benefits or not to award certain benefits, which they do - and that is "stopping peoples money". You are entitled to your experinece or opinion - I am entitled to mine. There are more than enough pieces of evidence and stories on line and in real life to prove this.

That’s what I’m saying. It sounds as though he’s been assessed by WCA and been awarded benefit. When they write to the claimant with a decision they advise as to when the award will be reviewed. In this case 12 months. I think some posters who are unfamiliar with the benefits system are reading the’ signed off’ part as the issue of the fit note.