Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unemployed Dh now signed off for a year- fed up and skint!

319 replies

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:16

Dh has been unemployed for over 9 months. He's been applying for remote work but not getting any where. I think he's now given up as he has diabetes and side effects .
He was on jsa but has now had a meeting with the disability person who has signed him off as unfit to work.
But he's capable of working. He spends all his time on the computer. He walks the dogs for miles, potters in the garden etc.
He's late 50s so I think he's subtly retiring
But we can't afford it.
I work ft and can just afford rent bills and food. There is no spare money. We have spent our savings.
We have teenagers who want to go out with friends and spend money.
I'm starting to feel really resentful of someone I see 24/7 who now has a cushy life.
How do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
Duckingella · 14/12/2023 21:11

I think he's spinning you a tale..........

Lifechangesontheway · 14/12/2023 21:11

@UniversalAunt
I don’t know about OP. But you have described my situation perfectly.
Maybe you have been ‘carrying’ him for some time & whilst he was busy, well & working, this may not been an issue. But things have changed: overall health, overall finances, overall sense of purpose.

its easy to overlook these things when they are working hard and providing but when they stop working hard and providing and bring nothing else to the table it becomes impossible to ignore.

sorry for any lack of punctuation but I am so fired up reading this thread that my mind is running at a sprint.

FreshWinterMorning · 14/12/2023 21:12

Not gonna lie, I'd be getting my ducks in a row. Sounds like he has checked out of ever working again. By mid 50s, if someone has worked for 40 years, it's understandable to want to not work anymore - many people think like that. But it's not as simple as just going on to benefits and staying there. Where the fuck is the money coming from? Sick pay is fuck-all.

And it seems he has gone on sick pay by laying it on. An actual insult to people with genuine illnesses and disabilities.

I know a man like this right now. He is 55, and has had every ailment under the sun over the past 5-6 years, and is off sick about 20% of the year, I have no idea how he keeps his job. His wife said he has been angling to finish work/take early retirement for about 5 years now, but as she keeps asking him 'where is the money coming from?'

He is always at the doctor's, feigning one illness after another, going to hospital every few months for tests and scans and x-rays and all shorts of shit to try and find an ailment to allow him to go on full time sick. Even so, where is the money coming from?

If my DH was like this, I would leave him .. 100% straight up. I come from a family of hard working and industrious men. My dad and grandfather were hardworking men who worked from 15 to 65, and never feigned any illnesses to bunk time off, and probably had 10 days off sick in the 50 years of work.

Yep I would leave. I can't bear a fucking bone idle man who doesn't want to work. No job - no wife mate.

CatOnTheLap · 14/12/2023 21:14

What led to him being unemployed for 9 months? Did he leave his job for health reasons or did he leave because he didn’t want to work?

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2023 21:14

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:53

I haven't seen any paperwork. I'm pushing him to apply for a blue badge/ disabled bus pass .
There was a phonecall on Sunday from an assessor but I didn't hear the conversation. He said he's been signed off as unfit to work and they'll reassess in a year.

This doesn’t make much sense. If he had been assessed at a work capability assessment, unless he had been found to have limited capacity for work related activity (usually reserved for the most severe disabilities) there would be jobsearch conditions attached to the benefit award. It’s not just a case of ‘see you in a year’ and off you go. You have to see a work coach and engage with the system designed to get you back into work - if not benefit will be sanctioned. From what you’ve said in your opening post he can walk miles and do gardening - if this is reflected in his supporting evidence then it’s unlikely he’s exempted from jobsearch activities. Something doesn’t sound right.

Everybodylookstheirage · 14/12/2023 21:15

Are you younger than him? Maybe time to cut your losses?

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 21:16

He was fired. He'd only been in the job 5 months. Previously he was off work for 6 months he resigned as he would pass his probation in the job. Previously was 6 years employed.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 14/12/2023 21:18

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 19:28

He has neuropathy in his hands and feet but is on a lot of medication now so it's stable.
I want him to apply for pip as that would help.
He cashed in pension recently but told me it was savings.
I have a pension but still have 20 years of work to go so it'll go up quite well.

Yet he can walk for miles, but not sit at a desk? What would help is him getting his arse back to work, not finding another benefit to claim.

StarlightLime · 14/12/2023 21:18

He was unemployed for SIX YEARS??

StarlightLime · 14/12/2023 21:19

StarlightLime · 14/12/2023 21:18

He was unemployed for SIX YEARS??

No, sorry, read that wrong 😂

adriftabroad · 14/12/2023 21:19

Sorry.
Someone is lying, you or him.
Neuropathy is horrendous.

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 21:20

So I'm just going to recap from the OP's various posts

He has diabetes
He has diabetic neuropathy (a very serious medical issue)
He is on multiple medications and is now stable on them
He has been out of work for 9 months
He has been looking for remote work
In IT but not got any
He is in his 50s
They have teenagers

Op believes he has now been signed off as unfit for work.

So you'd leave a clearly ill partner who has been unemployed for 9 months?

I mean, that's your call but if this is a long term relationship that's pretty hair trigger.

Not to mention that if they are married the assets will have to be split.

adriftabroad · 14/12/2023 21:21

Fully concur.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2023 21:22

Undisclosedlocation · 14/12/2023 19:54

Oh come on now OP, the assessor called him on a SUNDAY???? Yeah, right 🙄

Absolutely it could be right. My mum has dementia and I had a phone call on a Sunday morning from a DWP assessor checking some details when I claimed attendance allowance for her. Perfectly possible.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 21:23

I understand that neuropathy is awful but it's early stage I know it's going to get worse but he could work from home sitting at a computer.
He has been applying for jobs but is terrible at interviews. ( intentionally or not) getting to final stages but then being rejected.

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 14/12/2023 21:23

Hello OP, I have not been in the same position as you, having a husband who is sick and on disability, but some years ago my ex had a series of job losses and I remember distinctly how difficult it was for me to cope with the way he was handling it. Once, he was off work for nine months too. It was always difficult for me to have honest conversations with him, so I would ask, every now and then how the job hunt was going and he would be so vague about it as if that was not supposed to be the first priority in his life. He spent months working in the garden, surfing the net and god knows what while I was working and kids were at school. He was saying he was looking online, but in his industry, I thought, going door to door would have been better. He would get so offended when I would suggest things to him, like calling his former bosses to ask if they needed workers or pizza delivery jobs, that I knew a lot of men were taking as additional income. It was driving me crazy. On top of it all, he was not picking up extra house chores at all. He was doing nothing but cooking and even then he was not in a rush to do it, so I would often cook when I come from work as I did not have patience to wait for him to do it. I already was not happy with him over other things in life but this seriously eroded my respect for him. It was a nightmare.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 14/12/2023 21:24

Could you suggest doing food delivery driving? I know it’s poorly paid but you can switch the app on while you feel well and switch it off when you don’t. Our friend who has rheumatoid arthritis does this and manages to get by.

adriftabroad · 14/12/2023 21:25

Get divorced.
Oh...wait...

adriftabroad · 14/12/2023 21:26

Yep. Pizza delivery.

Good call.
NOT.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 21:26

Neither of us drive unfortunately.
iamenough are you me?

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/12/2023 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 21:29

lol at food delivery driving

I have neuropathy in one foot.

I cannot feel the foot - I do not have sensation in the foot.

Sometimes I cannot move the foot.

I drive an automatic which can be driven with one foot.

This man has neuropathy in both feet - at times he will not be able to move either foot. Plus he has tremors - where the muscles contract uncontrollably.

Sure, I think driving is the perfect career for himGrin

Octavia64 · 14/12/2023 21:32

Stressedgiraffe · 14/12/2023 21:23

I understand that neuropathy is awful but it's early stage I know it's going to get worse but he could work from home sitting at a computer.
He has been applying for jobs but is terrible at interviews. ( intentionally or not) getting to final stages but then being rejected.

If he's getting to the final stages and then being rejected it sounds like what would actually help is some interview coaching.

I agree that sitting down computer work at home looks most promising for income

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2023 21:33

Alicia88 · 14/12/2023 20:33

I know people on PIP who sit in wetherspoons all day and my mates mother who has been on PIP for 2 decades with a bad back. (she hasn't). My mate drives her brand new Volvo "Motability" vehicle around.

I think it's worth a shot.

What a disgusting comment. PIP is one of the hardest benefits to get and claimants require medical evidence to back up everything they say in their application, and the vast majority have to undergo a face to face medical assessment with a DWP appointed healthcare professional.

Unless you live with someone 24 hours a day you can’t possibly know their medical condition and how it affects them. And unless you are qualifed to interpret the medical evidence they will have supplied with their benefit claim, and privy to the information they have provide on their claim, you have no idea whether they qualify or not. You absolutely cannot tell whether someone is disabled, or the extent of that disability just by looking at them. Hidden disability is everywhere.

Your mates mother hasn’t claimed PIP for two decades, because it hasn’t existed for two decades, and if your mate drives his mum’s motability car around he’s risking her losing it, because he’s only supposed to use it either when she’s in the vehicle, or when he’s running errands or using it for her benefit. You’re encouraging someone to apply for a benefit which supports disabled people and allows them independence and dignity. It’s not something that’s ’worth a shot’ because you can’t be arsed to support yourself.

iamenough2023 · 14/12/2023 21:35

@Stressedgiraffe thank you for making me laugh. 🤣 Yes, what you are describing sounds so similar to my exh. When he was young, I though he had great working habits, but few years into our marriage I realized I was wrong. During Covid he was let go as well 😢 so he spent hours sitting on a sofa in the living room. He was driving us all nuts. He was complaining how he had nothing to do around the house, and we live in this old, ran down shack, you could literally work all day every day. I told him he could pick up my chores if he was bored. He did it for couple of weeks and then one day, he passed it on to our daughter. Unbelievable.

My dad worked all day every day. He had public sector job and then after work, he would be helping people fix things for very small money, but he was never procrastinating, so I guess my expectations were high, but still. A young, able boded man, a husband and a father of three, should keep himself busy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread