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Original poster

Flirty work colleague - how do I escalate

129 replies

zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:08

I’m aware I’m about to sound like a 15 year old! It’s been a long time since I was on the dating scene!

In September, I had a sex dream about a work colleague. Must have subconsciously flirted with him because then our relationship changed - all of a sudden super flirty with each other. We are then constantly flirting, legs touching each other under the table (when I moved mine away he moved his back to rub against mine!), messages after work (nothing romantic or sexy, but a bit of flirting).

Seems to come in waves - there’ll be a spell where we’re pretty much constantly pawing at each other and the next day he seems cooler. Then the next day he’ll be flirty again.

We’ve been simmering away like this for about 3 months now. I took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

Last week we had a few hours where we were working independently right next to each other and it was intense. Proper flirting, winks, loaded comments, after I almost melted. He then messaged me that night and continued flirting. The next day he was on a course in Edinburgh and texted all day including selfies and little pics of his day etc. He’s been jealous when other men have flirted in front of him (happens rarely but did happen at our Christmas party).

I feel like this has gone on for so long and I don’t know how to proceed? I’m shy to ask him for a drink again in case he says no. I’m quite shy by nature and not great at flirting full stop so it was a big deal (to me) to ask him in the first place.

I’m embarrassed at my own gushing! I’m in my late 30s, he’s in his 40s.

OP posts:
Neriah · 13/12/2023 19:11

On the basis that you may not actually be 12, this is work, not a dating app. Act like it's work and not a dating app.

justalittlesnoel · 13/12/2023 19:11

Ooo tough one! I'm a bit on the fence as if he'd wanted to, he could have made time for the drinks you asked him too initially, or suggested some other plan that suited him.

Is he definitely single?

I'd say if you're sure you want to ask again, ask him to go for a drink again, but name a time, date and place - rather than an ambiguous "we should grab a drink sometime", it makes it easier to say yes to a solid plan!

Original poster
zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:35

@Neriah fair point! We do actually have quite high stress/‘important’ jobs so maybe this is just a way of blowing off steam.

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 13/12/2023 19:35

My suspicion is that he is not single but enjoys flirting with you. Why else would he perpetuate this over MONTHS, but would not commit to making plans for a date or ask you out himself?
Try looking him up on SM or ask friends at work if they know anything about his personal life, that may answer some questions.

category12 · 13/12/2023 19:37

God, I'd hate to be one of your other colleagues.

Are you sure dipping your nib in the company ink is a good idea?

Overstudy · 13/12/2023 19:38

zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:35

@Neriah fair point! We do actually have quite high stress/‘important’ jobs so maybe this is just a way of blowing off steam.

🙄bother of you put up or.....

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 13/12/2023 19:39

Are you both single ?

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 13/12/2023 19:40

My first thought really is that you ought to stop acting like a lovesick teenager at work. It’s much more noticeable than you think it is and it makes you look silly and unprofessional.
He isn’t that into you or he’s married/otherwise attached imo. It’s rare that a man who has clear signs a woman is into him and who has means to communicate (in person but also your number, in this case, should he be shy..) wouldn’t make a move to take the relationship forward if he was keen and unattached.

Letsgotitans · 13/12/2023 19:40

I agree, I don't think he's single based on what you've said.

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 13/12/2023 19:51

He’s married isn’t he ? If so, you’re a bloody fool if you go any further

Original poster
zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:56

@MarleyandMarleyWoooo the thought of other people noticing makes me cringe with shame so much. Someone else said dipping your nib in company ink. I get it! Not a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:57

At least I’ve practiced my flirting techniques haha

OP posts:
Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 13/12/2023 20:19

You haven’t answered whether he’s single ???

bonzaitree · 13/12/2023 20:28

If he wanted you, he would have asked you out.

As things stand you’ve asked him out and nothing has happened. If he was interested he would have leapt at the chance to take you out.

Do you really want a man who flirts for months and does nothing about it?

Personally I’d pull back and see what happens.

Olivegardenishome · 13/12/2023 20:32

is he single? Are you?

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 13/12/2023 20:35

I recognise how heady flirtation can be, but I'd worry about what it does to your professional reputation that so much of your work head space is filled with this. If your work is that important, perhaps you had to train hard enough to get there to be worth your valuing it now.

Graspingnettles · 13/12/2023 20:40

Jesus how are people meant to meet new people with so many judgey arseholes saying you shouldn't mix work with dating. LOADS of people meet at work!! It's fine. Some really sour faced people on here tonight.

OP why not ask him for a drink or coffee again but by text - when he says yes offer a couple of different dates you're free and pin it down.

As long as you're sure he's single!

Drinkinggreentea · 13/12/2023 21:10

Definitely don't ask him again. If he wanted to he would have gone out with you already.

He's most likely seeing someone and if that's the case there's no point bothering with him as even if you end up together you could safely assume he'd be flirting with another woman within no time. Would you be ok with him flirting with another woman and brushing up against her for months if you're the official girlfriend? I doubt it.

If he is single then he's just enjoying the attention and validation but clearly doesn't see this as something more.

Best case, he's very professional and likes you but doesn't want to mix business with pleasure.

tenbob · 13/12/2023 21:14

The blow hot/cold thing is such a massive red flag

It’s playing a game, and it’s working on you a treat

For that alone, I would run a mile but as everyone else has pointed out, he is enjoying the flirting more than the idea of anything happening, either being he is attached or because he likes playing games

New year, new you, and no more flirting with this idiot

OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 21:20

If he wanted to, he would have made it happen. It sounds as though he's quite happy with a flirty relationship at work. I wouldn't go near him for a date, though.

Original poster
zard11 · 13/12/2023 21:21

@bonzaitree yes I see your point. Why wouldn’t he just ask me out if he wanted to.

Everyone else - yes we’re both single. He has an ex-wife and no children and I have a child but split up with his dad about a year ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
zard11 · 13/12/2023 21:23

@tenbob yes these replies have really made me think maybe it is just a game to him and I’ve fallen for it. And I have worked too hard to let this distract me as much as it is. I feel a bit embarrassed.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 13/12/2023 21:41

Don’t feel embarrassed OP! You haven’t done anything wrong at all! You’re both adults and both single. No harm done!

Just think - any decent man who was really interested would have jumped at the chance to take you out! And arranged a proper date for you ASAP. That’s what you deserve.

Golden rule of dating is you should never be confused about someone’s intentions. If you’re confused it’s because their behaviour is confusing and therefore not appropriate.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2023 21:43

Sounds as if he enjoys the flirting but doesn't want it to go any further. I very much doubt he is single. Are you?

OhwhyOY · 13/12/2023 22:28

I don't agree with those saying he's not a good fit/not that into you if he hasn't made a move yet. How does he know that you won't claim sexual harassment or run a mile and make things awkward at work if he makes a move? Maybe he thinks you just enjoy flirting and don't want it to go any further. Maybe he is shy. Or maybe he isn't a good guy or isn't that into you. You won't know if you don't try. Why not just ask him out for a drink at a specific time e.g. 'we said ages ago we'd go for a drink, are you free this evening?' And see what he says. If it feels like he's blowing you off/avoiding it then he's not interested. If he wants to go then you know there's a chance. If you're really interested then why not give it a shot? Though I do think it's dangerous dating colleagues, nightmare if you have a bad breakup.