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Original poster

Flirty work colleague - how do I escalate

129 replies

zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:08

I’m aware I’m about to sound like a 15 year old! It’s been a long time since I was on the dating scene!

In September, I had a sex dream about a work colleague. Must have subconsciously flirted with him because then our relationship changed - all of a sudden super flirty with each other. We are then constantly flirting, legs touching each other under the table (when I moved mine away he moved his back to rub against mine!), messages after work (nothing romantic or sexy, but a bit of flirting).

Seems to come in waves - there’ll be a spell where we’re pretty much constantly pawing at each other and the next day he seems cooler. Then the next day he’ll be flirty again.

We’ve been simmering away like this for about 3 months now. I took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

Last week we had a few hours where we were working independently right next to each other and it was intense. Proper flirting, winks, loaded comments, after I almost melted. He then messaged me that night and continued flirting. The next day he was on a course in Edinburgh and texted all day including selfies and little pics of his day etc. He’s been jealous when other men have flirted in front of him (happens rarely but did happen at our Christmas party).

I feel like this has gone on for so long and I don’t know how to proceed? I’m shy to ask him for a drink again in case he says no. I’m quite shy by nature and not great at flirting full stop so it was a big deal (to me) to ask him in the first place.

I’m embarrassed at my own gushing! I’m in my late 30s, he’s in his 40s.

OP posts:
Mummysgogetter · 16/12/2023 09:03

zard11 · 16/12/2023 08:16

@TurnerP Some days he does message later but the 5pm thing has become more obvious the more I think about it. Yesterday I avoided him all day at work and had a text at half 4 asking if I was ok, I responded politely and he messaged back, then I did, then I was left on read. It’s so predictable and frustrating!

@Kwasi We’re not friends on social media and don’t have any mutual friends but yes I think so.

OP, leave him on read next time, and continue avoiding him until he either gets the message and steps up or leaves you alone.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 09:16

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:57

For a drink it was. He might have thought it was a proper date. It's a grey area what the intentions were

Show quote history

🤔Right. He wants to sleep with her, so he claimed to be too "busy" to go for any kind of drink with her and never brought it up again. Quite the subtle long con he's running there.

Olika · 16/12/2023 10:34

What @Mummysgogetter says:
OP, leave him on read next time, and continue avoiding him until he either gets the message and steps up or leaves you alone.

NigellaAwesome · 16/12/2023 10:54

Op, you didn't say if there is a seniority or power differential. Is there?

TurnerP · 16/12/2023 10:54

Please stop texting this man
you are ego kibbles that is all

Goneblank38 · 16/12/2023 11:01

Don't be embarrassed OP. Lots of relationships start at work, it's not unusual or something to feel awkward about.

It does sound like something is up with him though - I'd pull back and wait and see what happens or, better yet, try and talk to him about what's happen and be frank. It's tough though!

RazzleDazz1e · 16/12/2023 13:09

I would either ignore any non work related comms or tell him you need to draw a line under it all as things are getting serious with someone else.

TheAverageJoanne · 16/12/2023 16:27

@Goneblank38 He'll just tell her a lot of rubbish.

yousexybugger · 16/12/2023 18:10

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:57

For a drink it was. He might have thought it was a proper date. It's a grey area what the intentions were

Show quote history

With the greatest of respect to this PP please do not go chasing this guy for a casual shag after he has kicked your suggestion for a drink into the long grass. you have to work together and were hoping for more. If he had been keen to get closer but only available for FWB for whatever genuine reason he could've said so himself in a nice way. He hasn't.

Original poster
zard11 · 16/12/2023 21:15

@NigellaAwesome technically yes, although it’s all very flexible. I’m more senior than him.

I won’t sleep with him!

OP posts:
TurnerP · 16/12/2023 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
zard11 · 16/12/2023 21:25

A b.k man? What does that mean? @TurnerP

OP posts:
TurnerP · 16/12/2023 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DGConsultant · 16/12/2023 21:48

Wish you all the best with It, but It's work, be careful. I've the scars. Work flirting can go wrong quickly/asking someone out/expressing fondness can backfire badly. The legs touching under the table is a clear sign of attraction though

Original poster
zard11 · 18/12/2023 19:10

After a weekend of him messaging literally all day Saturday, a few times yesterday and I was pissed off, I was ready to back off today.

Managed to stay away this morning, but this afternoon we worked closely and it was mildly flirty.

Sat working now and I keep looking at my phone to see if he’s messaged. Of course he hasn’t!

OP posts:
DGConsultant · 18/12/2023 19:56

Good luck, OP. Always nice to have a bit of fun, especially around Christmas time. A kettle never boils when you're looking at It.

Catoo · 18/12/2023 20:45

OP multiple PP have told you to stop responding to his texts because he isn’t interested.

You have now responded to him all weekend and flirted with him today. Giving him power over you again.

I expect the advice on here will remain the same. Stop flirting at work. Stop texting him. If you carry on he will probably sleep with you at some point. But he is not the one. Only you stand to get hurt here. If he cared, you would know. Men who care for you let you know. Bet he knows nothing about your life or loves or interests except where they overlap his own.

Original poster
zard11 · 19/12/2023 06:35

@Catoo thank you. I know this objectively but I’m struggling to engage my brain. I was so surprised at the Saturday texts that I got carried away and now I’m back in the throes of it. I’ll try to keep my distance today.

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 19/12/2023 09:46

If he's showing no interest in meeting in person out of work what is all this texting actually about?

TheAverageJoanne · 19/12/2023 10:42

zard11 · 18/12/2023 19:10

After a weekend of him messaging literally all day Saturday, a few times yesterday and I was pissed off, I was ready to back off today.

Managed to stay away this morning, but this afternoon we worked closely and it was mildly flirty.

Sat working now and I keep looking at my phone to see if he’s messaged. Of course he hasn’t!

I'm sorry to say you're hopeless. I'm going to be unkind. Just bloody grow up and do your job that you're paid to do. I've zero sympathy for your ridiculous situation.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/12/2023 10:43

DGConsultant · 18/12/2023 19:56

Good luck, OP. Always nice to have a bit of fun, especially around Christmas time. A kettle never boils when you're looking at It.

And you're just as silly as the OP with this comment

DGConsultant · 19/12/2023 10:48

Happy Christmas to you too, Joanne. Was intended to be lighthearted.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/12/2023 10:51

DGConsultant · 19/12/2023 10:48

Happy Christmas to you too, Joanne. Was intended to be lighthearted.

I'm glad to hear that. And merry Christmas! Thank goodness!

I despair for this OP. I've just watched a romance fraud programme and the decisions people make shock me. I know this isn't on that scale but it's still exercising appalling judgement, in this case in the workplace where there's also the risk of being ridiculed. Just not worth it.

Isthisexpected · 19/12/2023 10:53

Girlfriend went Christmas shopping on Saturday I imagine.

Agiftandacurse · 19/12/2023 10:54

I find it odd that you haven’t looked him up on SM- a guy you have a massive crush on! And you’ve not added each other? He’s definitely not single