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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Flirty work colleague - how do I escalate

129 replies

zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:08

I’m aware I’m about to sound like a 15 year old! It’s been a long time since I was on the dating scene!

In September, I had a sex dream about a work colleague. Must have subconsciously flirted with him because then our relationship changed - all of a sudden super flirty with each other. We are then constantly flirting, legs touching each other under the table (when I moved mine away he moved his back to rub against mine!), messages after work (nothing romantic or sexy, but a bit of flirting).

Seems to come in waves - there’ll be a spell where we’re pretty much constantly pawing at each other and the next day he seems cooler. Then the next day he’ll be flirty again.

We’ve been simmering away like this for about 3 months now. I took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

Last week we had a few hours where we were working independently right next to each other and it was intense. Proper flirting, winks, loaded comments, after I almost melted. He then messaged me that night and continued flirting. The next day he was on a course in Edinburgh and texted all day including selfies and little pics of his day etc. He’s been jealous when other men have flirted in front of him (happens rarely but did happen at our Christmas party).

I feel like this has gone on for so long and I don’t know how to proceed? I’m shy to ask him for a drink again in case he says no. I’m quite shy by nature and not great at flirting full stop so it was a big deal (to me) to ask him in the first place.

I’m embarrassed at my own gushing! I’m in my late 30s, he’s in his 40s.

OP posts:
Original poster
zard11 · 14/12/2023 18:00

@bonzaitree he was working from our other office today which made it easier!

I emailed him something work related that he has direct responsibility over, I got a text in response (relevant to work but why not respond to my email???)!!! I stupidly replied via text and we talked about this issue and he asked how I am and said he’ll come and see me tomorrow about it (not necessary).

Then 5pm hits and bam. Silence and left on read.

I do feel more aware that this is a game/distraction to him, but it doesn’t stop me constantly checking my phone to see if he’s responded! I am an idiot!!!!

I intend to stay strong tomorrow when he is back in the office - going to try and avoid him which should be possible as I have a couple of meetings.

OP posts:
SylvieLaufeydottir · 14/12/2023 18:04

Does anything actually need to be done on text in your org? Because most people are completely on email and Teams/Slack. If you don't actually need to text with him for work, block him.

Original poster
zard11 · 14/12/2023 18:14

@SylvieLaufeydottir no we use email or teams usually

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 14/12/2023 18:20

Ugh this would piss me off. I'd probably ask him for a drink and then ask straight-out what he wants.

Mummysgogetter · 14/12/2023 18:21

You’re not an idiot OP, it’s a natural reaction to feel excitement when someone you’re attracted to flirts with you. But try and get angry about how he is playing you now and take back control by not responding to him. I guarantee he will be desperately trying to get back the status quo, but that’s not enough for you and why should it be?

I think he may have someone…. Maybe a girlfriend or someone

bonzaitree · 14/12/2023 20:13

SylvieLaufeydottir · 14/12/2023 18:04

Does anything actually need to be done on text in your org? Because most people are completely on email and Teams/Slack. If you don't actually need to text with him for work, block him.

Meh i wouldn’t block him tbh- too much to explain when he asks « did you get my message ».

I would just text him and say « will come back via email/ Teams »

And then respond on email in a neutral / professional way.

TheAverageJoanne · 14/12/2023 20:27

zard11 · 14/12/2023 18:00

@bonzaitree he was working from our other office today which made it easier!

I emailed him something work related that he has direct responsibility over, I got a text in response (relevant to work but why not respond to my email???)!!! I stupidly replied via text and we talked about this issue and he asked how I am and said he’ll come and see me tomorrow about it (not necessary).

Then 5pm hits and bam. Silence and left on read.

I do feel more aware that this is a game/distraction to him, but it doesn’t stop me constantly checking my phone to see if he’s responded! I am an idiot!!!!

I intend to stay strong tomorrow when he is back in the office - going to try and avoid him which should be possible as I have a couple of meetings.

Just don't have anything to do with him unless it's about work. Ignore flirting in work, ignore flirty texts, don't sit in close proximity.

Don't give him the oxygen of publicity, he gets off on it. There's nothing to discuss, he's just fannying about.

There's no reason to interact any more other than about work. He's fannied about for too long to be taken seriously.

CacenCaws · 14/12/2023 20:44

He will lure you in for a shag then fuck you off - don't go there!

yousexybugger · 14/12/2023 22:49

You're not an idiot at all but time to pull it back, he's had ample chance to be run with your invitation and hasn't. I'd just quietly revert any discussion back to formal channels quietly and ignore texts otherwise or phase out with closed answers. Breezy and friendly enough in person but don't engage.

KeeeeeepDancing · 14/12/2023 23:07

Definitely no more texting. Stick to teams messaging and email. Bring it back to professional

TurnerP · 14/12/2023 23:31

The 5pm contact cut off is a red flag
How sure are you that he is divorced, he may just not wear a ring
Whatever his actual relationship status I doubt he is looking for long term if that is what you wanted

Catoo · 15/12/2023 00:15

KeeeeeepDancing · 14/12/2023 23:07

Definitely no more texting. Stick to teams messaging and email. Bring it back to professional

This.
Even if he replies to work emails by text, reply by email only. You can end your next email by asking him to reply on email so you can keep the info in one place.

I would archive / turn off notifications for his chats so you don’t keep looking. He’ll get used to you not replying straight away or not replying at all and hopefully will get bored.

WhatNoUsername · 15/12/2023 01:23

FallingStar21 · 13/12/2023 19:35

My suspicion is that he is not single but enjoys flirting with you. Why else would he perpetuate this over MONTHS, but would not commit to making plans for a date or ask you out himself?
Try looking him up on SM or ask friends at work if they know anything about his personal life, that may answer some questions.

You may be right but this is exactly how me and my DH got together. Went on for MONTHS and MONTHS. Was both tortuous and a high! He is just really not very good at putting himself forward in these situations. Doubts himself constantly. I had to make all the moves!

annaT2122 · 15/12/2023 07:21

This guy either isn't single or isn't attracted to you, or he'd have made a move. He enjoys the attention though, clearly.

FallingStar21 · 15/12/2023 14:32

WhatNoUsername · 15/12/2023 01:23

You may be right but this is exactly how me and my DH got together. Went on for MONTHS and MONTHS. Was both tortuous and a high! He is just really not very good at putting himself forward in these situations. Doubts himself constantly. I had to make all the moves!

Show quote history

Sounds like your OH was a bit shy/reserved and your relationship was a slow burner.
This guy in contrast is very forward though - forward enough to make heavy hints and flirt tirelessly, forward enough to rub legs with OP and keep moving closer when she put some distance. He doesn't come across as shy or insecure.
Moreover, OP had already asked him to meet outside work, so she has already made a move and he didn't go along. And he stops texting at the end of his working day, which as PP said is a major red flag.

Kwasi · 15/12/2023 17:23

Are you 100% certain he's single?

Original poster
zard11 · 16/12/2023 08:16

@TurnerP Some days he does message later but the 5pm thing has become more obvious the more I think about it. Yesterday I avoided him all day at work and had a text at half 4 asking if I was ok, I responded politely and he messaged back, then I did, then I was left on read. It’s so predictable and frustrating!

@Kwasi We’re not friends on social media and don’t have any mutual friends but yes I think so.

OP posts:
TheAverageJoanne · 16/12/2023 08:20

Oops You Did It Again - you're allowing him to reel you back in and continue his ego boosting games. Take control and just stop it.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 08:22

Just block him, for the love of all that's holy. Keep your communication work-based and on work media. You need to wean yourself off him.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:29

zard11 · 16/12/2023 08:16

@TurnerP Some days he does message later but the 5pm thing has become more obvious the more I think about it. Yesterday I avoided him all day at work and had a text at half 4 asking if I was ok, I responded politely and he messaged back, then I did, then I was left on read. It’s so predictable and frustrating!

@Kwasi We’re not friends on social media and don’t have any mutual friends but yes I think so.

Seems like he isn't going to be a man and male a move. Therefore it depends what you want from him. Something long term or some fun?

TheAverageJoanne · 16/12/2023 08:40

@annaT2122 He doesn't want either of those. He just wants to zing up-his working days and prove to himself that he's fanciable.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:51

TheAverageJoanne · 16/12/2023 08:40

@annaT2122 He doesn't want either of those. He just wants to zing up-his working days and prove to himself that he's fanciable.

He's not going to say no if she's within his league for some fun. A relationship may be different.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 08:53

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:51

He's not going to say no if she's within his league for some fun. A relationship may be different.

Show quote history

Except he did. She asked him out directly without ambiguity and he fobbed her off.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 08:57

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 08:53

Except he did. She asked him out directly without ambiguity and he fobbed her off.

Show quote history

For a drink it was. He might have thought it was a proper date. It's a grey area what the intentions were

Kwasi · 16/12/2023 08:58

TheAverageJoanne · 16/12/2023 08:40

@annaT2122 He doesn't want either of those. He just wants to zing up-his working days and prove to himself that he's fanciable.

Exactly this!

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