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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Flirty work colleague - how do I escalate

129 replies

zard11 · 13/12/2023 19:08

I’m aware I’m about to sound like a 15 year old! It’s been a long time since I was on the dating scene!

In September, I had a sex dream about a work colleague. Must have subconsciously flirted with him because then our relationship changed - all of a sudden super flirty with each other. We are then constantly flirting, legs touching each other under the table (when I moved mine away he moved his back to rub against mine!), messages after work (nothing romantic or sexy, but a bit of flirting).

Seems to come in waves - there’ll be a spell where we’re pretty much constantly pawing at each other and the next day he seems cooler. Then the next day he’ll be flirty again.

We’ve been simmering away like this for about 3 months now. I took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

Last week we had a few hours where we were working independently right next to each other and it was intense. Proper flirting, winks, loaded comments, after I almost melted. He then messaged me that night and continued flirting. The next day he was on a course in Edinburgh and texted all day including selfies and little pics of his day etc. He’s been jealous when other men have flirted in front of him (happens rarely but did happen at our Christmas party).

I feel like this has gone on for so long and I don’t know how to proceed? I’m shy to ask him for a drink again in case he says no. I’m quite shy by nature and not great at flirting full stop so it was a big deal (to me) to ask him in the first place.

I’m embarrassed at my own gushing! I’m in my late 30s, he’s in his 40s.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/12/2023 22:39

OhwhyOY · 13/12/2023 22:28

I don't agree with those saying he's not a good fit/not that into you if he hasn't made a move yet. How does he know that you won't claim sexual harassment or run a mile and make things awkward at work if he makes a move? Maybe he thinks you just enjoy flirting and don't want it to go any further. Maybe he is shy. Or maybe he isn't a good guy or isn't that into you. You won't know if you don't try. Why not just ask him out for a drink at a specific time e.g. 'we said ages ago we'd go for a drink, are you free this evening?' And see what he says. If it feels like he's blowing you off/avoiding it then he's not interested. If he wants to go then you know there's a chance. If you're really interested then why not give it a shot? Though I do think it's dangerous dating colleagues, nightmare if you have a bad breakup.

He knows she's not going to think it's harassment because she's already asked him out for a drink once and they've been rubbing their legs together like grasshoppers. 🙄

Blondebutnotlegally · 13/12/2023 22:53

Neriah · 13/12/2023 19:11

On the basis that you may not actually be 12, this is work, not a dating app. Act like it's work and not a dating app.

It's almost as if dating apps aren't the ONLY place to meet people! Not very modern I know

Indifferentchickenwings · 13/12/2023 23:00

I don’t know op

you have asked him for a drink
he’s totally able to ask you out if he wants to go further

but he hasn’t , which makes me wonder if he’s attached and or / using you for a an ego boost ?

id step back a bit and watch him

Opentooffers · 13/12/2023 23:18

He's not shy the way he's been flirting with you. However, he has had long enough to sort a drink out if he wanted to, with a green light, so no risk to him. But he hasn't, so it's high time you pulled back a bit. It sounds like you work very closely, imagine the mess if something starts, then ends badly? One of you would have to move positions. You may get to a point where even if it goes no further, the limerance is too much.
You might just find out what he's about if you reign it in. He will either chase or he won't.
I was put off by him being jealous of you with other men, an attitude of I'm not having you so I don't want others to, sounds objectifying and possessive, he has no rights to you when he's just messing about.

TheOccupier · 13/12/2023 23:41

LOL I thought this was going to be about how you could escalate unwanted flirting to HR!

This is unlikely to go any further while you are colleagues. If one of you leaves the company, expect the "escalation" then.

WowOK · 14/12/2023 00:06

Don't shit where you eat. Honestly I've been there and done that. It's a bad idea. Things can get messy and embarrassing very quickly.

benjaminostell · 14/12/2023 00:08

bonzaitree · 13/12/2023 21:41

Don’t feel embarrassed OP! You haven’t done anything wrong at all! You’re both adults and both single. No harm done!

Just think - any decent man who was really interested would have jumped at the chance to take you out! And arranged a proper date for you ASAP. That’s what you deserve.

Golden rule of dating is you should never be confused about someone’s intentions. If you’re confused it’s because their behaviour is confusing and therefore not appropriate.

100% agree. Well said

strawberrysea · 14/12/2023 00:18

He loves the attention but doesn't want a relationship.

I also wouldn't be so sure that he's single.

benjaminostell · 14/12/2023 00:19

My answer to your question OP is - don't! It's already 'hot' enough but without being authentic. No one needs months of flirting to embark on a genuine friendship. His flirting been reciprocated, you made a direct approach for a 1/1 but no natural progress

Dery · 14/12/2023 00:20

I met DH at work and know many other couples who have met at work. But it didn’t happen this way. This guy would have asked you out by now if that was his intention. After all, you’ve participated in some pretty intensive flirting over an extended period of time so he knows you’re open to it. He’s clearly not shy and can’t possibly be worried about HR if he’s playing footsie with you in the office. And if he’s single after an LTR, he may want to play the field for a while in any case.

As Bonzai says - no harm done. But time to put this behind you and refocus on work. You deserve a guy who can actually be bothered to take you out!

Notsurewhatodohere · 14/12/2023 00:25

Have a similarly confusing situation going on at the moment (not at work luckily) so this advice has been useful for me too. I think the maddening part is not knowing the why behind the mixed signals. The guy who has been flirting with me seems like a sincere person but he does this thing where he seems really interested lots of intense eye contact and seeking me out for long chats but he doesn't follow up, I even asked him for a coffee to make things easier as I thought maybe he was too shy to do it but he hasn't taken me up on the offer so far. I'm baffled we are both divorced and I think he had a bad time of it but is that enough of a reason to not take the risk of being hurt again if you meet someone you really like?

Catoo · 14/12/2023 00:25

Definitely fade this out OP.

You asked him out but he hasn’t made it happen, so I would conclude he doesn’t want to. I would not ask again as some PP suggest. Makes me cringe thinking about it.

Keep it professional from now on. Avoid sitting next to him so that he can’t start up any footsie/legsie etc.

Grey rock on texts. Slow, polite, neutral responses. No flirts. Ask no questions.

💐

Swishyfishy · 14/12/2023 00:27

in the morning ask him if he wants to go to lunch with you? Same day

Catoo · 14/12/2023 00:29

Swishyfishy · 14/12/2023 00:27

in the morning ask him if he wants to go to lunch with you? Same day

Definitely don’t do this OP! 😁

Original poster

zard11 · 14/12/2023 06:01

@category12 grasshoppers hahahaha. It will stop!

@Swishyfishy we already have lunch together most days but with a wider group of colleagues.

Thanks everyone for your insight. I think you’re right - he’s had more than enough opportunity to make a move if he wanted. I’m going to pull back a bit and move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

zard11 · 14/12/2023 06:05

@Notsurewhatodohere yes exactly! No follow up and that’s the annoying thing after such intense flirting!

OP posts:

TheAverageJoanne · 14/12/2023 06:17

Graspingnettles · 13/12/2023 20:40

Jesus how are people meant to meet new people with so many judgey arseholes saying you shouldn't mix work with dating. LOADS of people meet at work!! It's fine. Some really sour faced people on here tonight.

OP why not ask him for a drink or coffee again but by text - when he says yes offer a couple of different dates you're free and pin it down.

As long as you're sure he's single!

Yes people do meet at work but it's how they conduct themselves that matters. This guy is just mucking about to add interest to his day. If he was serious he would have asked her out. "Pawing" has no place in the workplace.

"Important" jobs too!!! I'd like to see me trying to do my job without the cleaner, porter and receptionist.

And he's not shy otherwise he wouldn't be acting like this. He's just attention seeking and validating himself.

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 14/12/2023 06:21

It's not about not meeting a partner through work (many people do, self included), but it might be about not developing a shag buddy with intense flirting for days in full view of their colleagues. People that think this is 'sour' may not have the level of professionalism that I'm assuming the OP usually aspires to.

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 14/12/2023 06:22

And no need for embarrassment, OP, just buck up and hold head high. You're worth more than this one sounds.

Original poster

zard11 · 14/12/2023 06:26

@Opentooffers just read about limerance - never heard of it before. It resonates a lot!

OP posts:

thefallen · 14/12/2023 06:29

zard11 · 13/12/2023 21:21

@bonzaitree yes I see your point. Why wouldn’t he just ask me out if he wanted to.

Everyone else - yes we’re both single. He has an ex-wife and no children and I have a child but split up with his dad about a year ago.

Why wouldn't YOU ask him out if YOU wanted to, though? Don't be so passive. Just go for it.

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 06:30

i took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

You've asked him once, youve made it clear you're interested. He's done nothing with it.

DO NOT ask him again - I agree he's either not single or is just enjoying the ego trip.

I agree, dial it down at work. He has enough info to ask you out privately, there is no need to carry on making people feel uncomfortable at work.

Original poster

zard11 · 14/12/2023 06:31

@TheAverageJoanne i didn’t mean to be disrespectful saying ‘important’ jobs - all jobs are important. I should have worded it better and should have said corporate/professional environment. I’m a senior manager so it’s even sillier that I’ve been like this.

I think you’re right in that he’s doing it to bring some fun to his day without wanting anything more.

I’m going to pull back. Wish me luck today!

OP posts:

OkImListening · 14/12/2023 06:36

Graspingnettles · 13/12/2023 20:40

OP why not ask him for a drink or coffee again but by text - when he says yes offer a couple of different dates you're free and pin it down.

As long as you're sure he's single!

This ⬆️, for crying out loud, let a girl have a bit of fun!

CormorantStrikesBack · 14/12/2023 06:40

Someone gave me some good advice years ago. If a man is interested he will ask you out

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