Flirty work colleague - how do I escalate

[zard11]

I’m aware I’m about to sound like a 15 year old! It’s been a long time since I was on the dating scene!

In September, I had a sex dream about a work colleague. Must have subconsciously flirted with him because then our relationship changed - all of a sudden super flirty with each other. We are then constantly flirting, legs touching each other under the table (when I moved mine away he moved his back to rub against mine!), messages after work (nothing romantic or sexy, but a bit of flirting).

Seems to come in waves - there’ll be a spell where we’re pretty much constantly pawing at each other and the next day he seems cooler. Then the next day he’ll be flirty again.

We’ve been simmering away like this for about 3 months now. I took the initiative to ask him out for a drink, he said yes but nothing has come from it as we got super busy and had a stressful period at work.

Last week we had a few hours where we were working independently right next to each other and it was intense. Proper flirting, winks, loaded comments, after I almost melted. He then messaged me that night and continued flirting. The next day he was on a course in Edinburgh and texted all day including selfies and little pics of his day etc. He’s been jealous when other men have flirted in front of him (happens rarely but did happen at our Christmas party).

I feel like this has gone on for so long and I don’t know how to proceed? I’m shy to ask him for a drink again in case he says no. I’m quite shy by nature and not great at flirting full stop so it was a big deal (to me) to ask him in the first place.

I’m embarrassed at my own gushing! I’m in my late 30s, he’s in his 40s.

Yeah at best it just sounds like he wants to bonk you in the stationery cupboard op.

Office etiquette has changed and this isn't the 90s any more so yes dialling it back is wise - of course you can meet people through work but pawing at each other during the work day is probably not the way to go.

Agree with others that if he wanted to, it would've happened by now so you're wise to cool it a bit!

It was fun while it lasted though, eh?!

I'd just ask again. I don't quite get why his flirting is not ok but OPs is? He may be equally shy or unsure of your intentions. He may feel exactly the same as you OP - intense periods of flirting then cooling off, I'm not sure if she's in to me. Maybe equally unsure if office dating is a good move as can get awkward if it doesn't work out.

You're both adults so just casually ask about a drink as the 1st one didn't go to plan. You say the reason for 1st cancellation was work related so presumably you don't feel it was an excuse to not go on his part. If he declines or it gets cancelled you know it's not going anywhere. For me much better than wondering what if (although I've not dated since I was a lot younger so may be out of touch with it!)

Good luck with whichever you choose!

@OkImListening It's not fun though is it? He's the one having fun, the OP is wondering if he really likes her or is mucking around. It's not fun if it's interfering with work.

I know what I'm talking about as it happened to me a long time ago and I gave it so much headspace. It turned out he had a (older) girlfriend. He later married her. Even after I left and went to a Christmas party reunion thing after two years he still flirted and never followed through. I questioned my worth so much. Why wasn't I sufficiently good to be asked out properly instead of faffed around with at work? He never touched me though.

I bet this champagne Charlie isn't worrying like the OP is.

How many more times - shy men don't grope women. Or "paw" as in this case. Sleazy opportunistic time wasters who want an ego booster, however, most likely would.

I hope not.,

He'd be better going for a run!

He's a horny creep looking to add a sexual thrill to his day with possibly an actual hook up, during work hours only
Stay well away

I agree with all the wise posters advising you to pull back. And I definitely would not ask him out again - you will look desperate imo.

I also would not be surprised if he’s in a relationship, hence his reluctance to take you up on your drinks offer.

Is there a power / seniority differential?
Is he getting a thrill out of flirting with the senior manager?

Your coworkers will have noticed and be at their wits end. Ive been in that environment and it is grim to witness. You are most likely the object of much comment and eye rolling.

To use 2 of my Dad's favourite phrases, either piss or get off the pot, and don't shit on your own doorstep.

Loads of people meet others at work. They do not all act like 12 year olds in front of their colleagues, especially when they are senior staff. If you want to pursue a relationship in work, provided you consider the risks associated with that, then one can use one words to ask the other person out. But mixing teenage flirting whilst in work is unprofessional and foolish, and shows a blatant disregard for your work or your colleagues who may prefer not to be dragged into your dramas.

people need to read the thread- she has asked him out and rather than jumping at the opportunity he has done nothing.

I agree if OP wants harmless consequence free flirting then she should continue. But that’s not what she wants.

This. He's had an offer and he hasn't taken it up. Cool off and see what he does.

As a senior manager, it would be absolute madness to start shagging a colleague. That's a great way to ruin your professional reputation and your career.

Good luck OP!
You have taken wise advice on board, now just don't let him reel you back in when he starts his flirting repertoire!
If you find it hard to "stay firm" you can try the following tactics:

• Generally avoiding him, or avoid working in close proximity.
• When he says something flirty, dont take the bait. Either don't respond and pretend you're engrossed in your work/screen or respond in a bland way, as if you haven't understood or acknowledged that he is flirting.
• Or simply make it clear (via text or in person) that this is getting too much now and the relationship needs to go back to being purely professional.

The latter is probably the most effective in shutting him down promptly.

I agree it's better to pull back as if he wanted something more he would make it happen.

I wouldn't go there.

It's his behaviour that's alerting me to being a fuck boy.

The cooling off and then coming back.

They do this to keep you off scent.

Don't do it. I have a feeling he will use you.

I'm not against work based relationships. I'm in one myself and have been for 17 years. I never got hot and cold from my partner.

So if I were you, keep this one at arm's length. I've never seen anything good come from the one's that blow hot and cold.

Yeah he’s loving the game and enjoying not committing. Pull back and cool off - he will probably intensify his flirtation to reel you back in, but it won’t be a sign he is truly interested in something developing.

Have you asked whether he is dating at the moment? He might say he's single but he could actually be dating one or more people. I thought it sounded sweet reading your first post, nice to enjoy the feelings at the time. The other posters may be offering wise advice. If you want to test the waters one more time, then a text message could be more black and white?

It will end in tears. And he won’t be the one sniffling into tissues with runny mascara eyes.

This is how me and my partner of now 6 years started out! Go for the drink!

There's nothing wrong with dating someone from work. It's probably not the case now, but years ago (pre apps), work was the most common place that people met their OH. It makes sense, really.

I'm surrounded by couples who met at work or later worked together (parents, siblings, friends).

All that said, the obvious flirting in the workplace is cringey, uncomfortable for other people and looks unprofessional. I'd avoid that.

Plus, you asked him out and he hasn't followeed that up, so it sounds like this is a pleasant game to him. I second the plan to back away, and don't get reeled back in.

Sorry but I'd be cooling it. He has had his chance at escalating this into the real world not just further work flirting and not grabbed it. He prob loves the attention but isn't intrigued enough to take action. You could try a text asking the same thing just to put it to bed but I'm not personally a fan of asking twice. Nothing wrong in meeting at work but all this public touching and winking at work with no resolution is potentially a bit messy.

Ask yourself whether you would have... just not got round to arranging to go on a date with someone you really liked because you'd had a busy period at work.

Yep. This is going nowhere. Either he isn't single or he's all mouth and no trousers. Either way... He already said no, by deflecting when you directly asked him out. He hasn't been remotely shy about flirting, and you directly asked him out already, there's no uncertainty here. He just doesn't want to.

Ahh, it's a tricky one.

I agree about dialling it back at work. If he wants to make it more serious, the ball's in his court to invite you out. Fun though it is to have a flirt at work, it is really unprofessional, not to mention cringey for your co-workers. Next time it starts up, look him in the eye and tell him that unless he wants to meet up outside of work, then you're not comfortable continuing in the current situation.

That said, I met DH at work, although any flirting was definitely not done within office walls. That was nearly 30 years ago, so I'm glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

How did cooling things off today go OP?