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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 31/12/2023 08:33

I missed your thread until today.
You are doing amazingly well. I hope your move goes smoothly today.

Here's to a happy 2024 without your awful Ex dragging you down. Thank heavens you didn't marry him!

3luckystars · 31/12/2023 08:35

You can do this, actually you already have done it!

All the very best to you x

Thatnameistaken · 31/12/2023 08:36

You've got this. Just put yourself a week from now having moved, it's chaotic and there's so much to do but you can breathe, you can think, you're free.
Or you stay. In a week's time you think back to how close you were to freedom, he is exactly the same as ever or perhaps a little worse because he thinks he has you stuck. This effort to be loving and nice that he's doing right now, he can't keep it up.

You are so strong and you need to do this.
I'll be thinking of you today.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 08:41

Thank you, all of you.
I'm changing the beds, emptying the bins and sorting the washing- for the last time - in this house.
I will leave everything as I would if I were going on holiday. So it's nice for the children, I have another 2 hours to get through before I can start the move.
I just feel sad and tired.
I love my home. I will miss my home BUT I made this house a home and I will make a new home without him

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 31/12/2023 08:52

Your motto today is - The only thing harder than leaving is staying.

BreakfastClub80 · 31/12/2023 08:58

Good luck with the move OP, you can do this!

Dexterwontstopfarting · 31/12/2023 09:10

You've come so far, OP. Nobody's saying this is an easy thing for you but you CAN and you WILL do it. You've proved you've got the minerals to!!
Just think, tonight you'll be in a bed that's your own, and you can do as you please.
Sending very unmumsnetty hugs to you

Ibuamnti · 31/12/2023 09:17

Hope your move goes well. Good luck and all the best for 2024. 💐🍾

Dinkydoo17 · 31/12/2023 09:20

You're right OP. It's people that make a house a home. Your new house will soon become home filled with happiness and light. Seriously one of my friends said my house even felt different once I'd made the break.

floraflo · 31/12/2023 09:44

You're amazing OP. You know you're doing this for the right reasons and you and your children will be so much better for it. Will the children be with you today once you've moved in or with your ex?
I hope you've got a bottle of champagne for this evening.
I'm sure after the business of the day you'll feel relieved and finally in your own space. The perfect way for you to start the new year.
Good luck, I'm think of you. Do keep us updated.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 09:46

Sorry I'm literally going to post my step by step because I can't function.
I've changed all the beds,
Tidied the house,
Emptied the bins,
Dressed the kids,
Fed the kids,
Showered.
Need to get myself dressed and finish packing up (will wait until the kids are out to start loading the car)
Have a lovely friend coming in an hour to help, which I am beyond grateful for

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 09:48

Ex keeping the eldest overnight as they have a party, with other kids and friends.
He is currently moping and I've reminded him he can't let kids down on the plans.
I will pick up the youngest this afternoon.
Need to:
Pack
Unpack
Food shop BUY CHAMPAGNE
Breathe
DRINK Champagne
Handcrafted M&S sausage roll wreath for dinner which I had bought for Christmas but didn't cook- goes out of date tomorrow

OP posts:
Pinkpinkplonk · 31/12/2023 09:52

👏👏💕💕

Dinkydoo17 · 31/12/2023 09:53

So pleased you have a lovely friend helping. Champagne tonight and M&S sausage roll. It's happening!!

User562377 · 31/12/2023 09:57

You're so close op. I hope the move goes smoothly for you. I can picture you on your sofa this evening with champagne and a sausage roll, baby tucked up in bed.

Outforlunchallday · 31/12/2023 09:57

We’re all behind you OP. Well done and keep on keeping on.

Nottogetapenny · 31/12/2023 10:12

Keep strong! Yes, your decision has been hard, but you know it’s the right one. A tough few days/weeks/months but you will be happier in the end. You will make places you live, into homes for you and your children!
Enjoy your sausage roll and champagne and celebrate 🍾

KinS24 · 31/12/2023 10:17

Happy New Everything to you. It took me 12 years! Well done for being so strong. I have a feeling you will be absolutely fine.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 31/12/2023 10:30

Champagne and handcrafted sausage roll and a New Life sounds just the way to see in 2024.🍾
I will be raising a glass to you later!

katmarie · 31/12/2023 10:40

Good luck op, and just remember, if he is capable of being kind and nice and loving etc now, then he was capable of being that way this whole time you were together, and he chose not to be. He's going to try a lot of stuff to keep you or reel you back in, but your decisions are your own to make, and putting a bit of space between you will definitely help.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 10:55

Annoyingly he isn't sticking to the schedule- expected but frustrating, still have the baby here so can't get too much sorted right now. He will pick him up (at some point)
He's been very tearful this morning (ex)
I need to just start moving stuff but tricky with youngest DC!!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/12/2023 11:49

Of course he didn't stick to schedule.

I am so pleased you have a friend with you, remain strong !

Weenurse · 31/12/2023 11:55

Prioritise setting up beds and then kitchen, the rest can wait.
You can do this

pikkumyy77 · 31/12/2023 12:32

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 10:55

Annoyingly he isn't sticking to the schedule- expected but frustrating, still have the baby here so can't get too much sorted right now. He will pick him up (at some point)
He's been very tearful this morning (ex)
I need to just start moving stuff but tricky with youngest DC!!

Of course not! These guys can’t keep it together long enough to fake “I’m so sorry!” More than five minutes. Hope this reminds you of the goal of leaving: to live your own life fully rather than being a chew toy in his.

UncleHerbie · 31/12/2023 12:49

I’ve just found this thread and by god I’m in awe, @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter. You can and are doing this. Enjoy every drop of your champagne

Happy new year, happy new life 🥂

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