Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 30/12/2023 18:16

Only one more night OP. Wowzers. It's happening. Expect him to be foul tomorrow but you're nearly over the finishing line. You're amazing. Please keep us updated if you get chance. Try n get some sleep tonight. I hope you've got some practical help with moving x

redastherose · 30/12/2023 18:55

Good luck tomorrow OP, it will be worth it. The peace and comfort of your own place without this strife. Xx

Weenurse · 30/12/2023 21:34

Good luck

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/12/2023 21:43

OP I wish you peace, good health and happiness in your new home. Well done x x x

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 22:09

So you'll be in in time to have a little NYE drink? Fab. Have a good moving day OP xx

CrapBucket · 30/12/2023 22:50

Good luck @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter and also @Kwasi - you can do it too x

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 30/12/2023 23:55

Tonight has been so hard and so emotional.
He's been very apologetic, told me he loves me and he knows he's been wrong, that he will always care for me. I'm exhausted.
I will admit (only here in the safety of an online forum) that I was so close to saying I'd stay.

I'm going to try and sleep. Once I have some space I'll be able to think clearly.

Thank you all for your support x

OP posts:
Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 30/12/2023 23:56

Just to be clear - I didn't back down. I won't. But it was so tempting to just say ok, I'll stay.

Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start

OP posts:
Socialyawkward · 31/12/2023 00:02

Hos grip on you is loosening you're doing amazing and soon it will be worth it !!!

HalebiHabibti · 31/12/2023 00:05

Well done for holding your ground OP. Are you in your new place yet?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/12/2023 02:08

Do not say ' ok I'll stay '

Today is THE day.

Be prepared - for tears / hysterics / tantrums / silent treatment / anger / shouting / threats / emotional blackmail / anything

I do not see him standing on the front doorstep, waving you all goodbye.

It is hard, it has been tiring YOU HAVE DONE IT !

Jas5mum · 31/12/2023 02:14

Hey
How did the move go??
Well done on surviving xmas day with him and his family. I wouldn't have been able to do it.
Hope you feel better and at home in your new place. Have a great new years 😀

RantyAnty · 31/12/2023 03:27

Good luck! Hope your move went well and you're able to breathe a sigh of relief! Flowers

Newestname002 · 31/12/2023 05:54

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 30/12/2023 23:56

Just to be clear - I didn't back down. I won't. But it was so tempting to just say ok, I'll stay.

Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start

That would have taken a huge amount of courage and mental strength from you not to give in and stay. However, you know things would have rapidly gone back to how they were - so well done in keeping your goal in mind. Your future will be better for it. 🌹

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 07:53

Today is the day

OP posts:
Kwasi · 31/12/2023 07:58

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 07:53

Today is the day

We are all here with you!

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 31/12/2023 08:09

I feel sick and am struggling to even breath, currently trying to act calm and normal as I have DC with me.
He will take them out in a couple of hours.
I don't know if I can do this

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 31/12/2023 08:13

You can do it, and I promise you that you won’t regret it! You’ll wake up tomorrow with no misery guts sapping you and your new better life ahead.
You are worth so much more than he has ever valued you at, never forget that. Onwards and upwards, you’ve got this!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 31/12/2023 08:15

You can do it, OP. We're all rooting for you, the thousands of women who've done this before you.

Big hugs, and courage!

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 31/12/2023 08:17

Only just seen this thread. Good luck for today, if it gets you through just remember you can always try again if you feel once you’ve had some space if you really want to. The important thing is you get peace and time to think and look after yourself.

RandomMess · 31/12/2023 08:19

You can do it, feel the fear and do it anyway Flowers

Dinkydoo17 · 31/12/2023 08:20

You can do this OP. You're a strong woman with the rest of your life ahead of you. And it'll be a happy, fulfilling life. The dust will settle and you'll be great. Think I'm little chunks. Get through the next 15 minutes. Then the next. Then the next. This helps stop the overwhelm. Take long deep breaths. Mindfully. Literally. We shallow breathe when anxiety is high and it doesn't help. We're all behind you

Dinkydoo17 · 31/12/2023 08:21

*in, not I'm

Hadenough2021 · 31/12/2023 08:28

You've got this! You can do it! You've got all these total strangers routing for you! It'll be so worth it once you're out. Can't wait to hear about your new place!!

JustExistingNotLiving · 31/12/2023 08:28

I’m rooting for you @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter .

You CAN do it!! You are a strong woman with a whole new life in front of her. Go for it!

It will get easier once you actually start doing things. Just now it’s nerves talking iyswim