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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

513 replies

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 12/12/2023 20:13

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 13:07

I know you don't plan to take much with you - but take everything that's important - passports, bank details, birth certs for kids, photos, kids keepsakes. Move then to your friends / parents if need be. Assume everything you leave behind will be lost.

Good luck. Keep at it. 2024 will be your year!

Ofcourseshecan · 27/12/2023 13:13

You’ve got this far through incredibly difficult stages, OP. Doing Christmas for his family and keeping sane! You are Woman of Steel.

You are so close to your goal now. You have fought and struggled so long and now have a better life for you and DC within reach. You don’t even need my support or encouragement, but I’m sending it anyway. Xxx

Newestname002 · 27/12/2023 13:17

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

Well done OP. Another milestone passed. Do remember this: ⬇️

Stbx cried and didn't say anything, he was just radiating anger. He is very very angry with me today.

especially the bit about him being very angry, whenever you're having a wobble. He's furious that he's not getting his own way over you and you're being so strong. 🌹

Newestname002 · 27/12/2023 13:27

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 13:07

I know you don't plan to take much with you - but take everything that's important - passports, bank details, birth certs for kids, photos, kids keepsakes. Move then to your friends / parents if need be. Assume everything you leave behind will be lost.

Good luck. Keep at it. 2024 will be your year!

If not already done, don't forget to:

  • let the utility companies know you're moving. Take a photo on your phone of your latest meter reading to give them
  • go on your council website and let them know your new address and your departure date from your old home. Go on your new council website (if appropriate) and claim your 25% single adult occupancy discount for your council tax
  • go on the post office website and put in a change of address request for at least a year. There's a charge for this.
  • update your employer with your new address and change all your death in service benefits from him (to your children?)
  • change your address with the DVLA
  • put in a CMS claim (can't remember if you're already doing this) plus a Child Benefit claim (check www.gov.uk) to go into your private bank account. 🌹
DumpedByText · 27/12/2023 13:38

He does have to pay maintenance and the house will have to be sold. He's trying to scare you into giving in.

Start a CMS claim, pay your deposit and stay strong. In 6 months you'll be so much happier!

givemethetea · 27/12/2023 17:05

He's angry at you because he doesn't want to hold himself accountable, it's easier to aim it at you. Keep holding in there, you're doing great and the minute you're in the new house you will be able to breathe easier.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2023 17:16

4 days to go - that means you can count them down on one hand !!!

You are doing it !!!

And he can cry as much as he wants, crocodile tears / tears of anger for not getting it his way !

Maybe he would like to stay a few days at his parents place :)

Weenurse · 27/12/2023 23:22

4 days to go 💐

MumLass · 28/12/2023 09:22

Just checking in with you OP. You are so close to having your own space and peace to think and plan. You've got this.

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 28/12/2023 19:39

Today is hard, I've started packing, DC is really playing up- I'm tired and tearful.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/12/2023 19:45

3 days to go - 3, 2, 1 and that's it.

The children are playing up as it's the aftermath of Christmas.

Has he gone to work ? or is he at home during Christmas and New Year ?

Yes you are tearful, it's the end of an era.

Pack as much as you can, take as much as you can - do not expect anything to be looked after / kept once you have gone. Even if you have to leave some boxes / black bags at your parent's place for a while.

CrapBucket · 28/12/2023 19:46

Yes it is hard. But You Can Do Hard Things. And it will be worthwhile. Keep going my love.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 19:48

You're in the trenches but this is the hardest bit. There’s an end in sight and you’re strong enough to get there.

Dinkydoo17 · 28/12/2023 19:50

You are a strong, fabulous human being who knows her own worth. It's hard OP. And sad and upsetting. Staying would feel way worse. Reach out. We're all there for you. You are nearly there. Sending a hug

Wheretomoveto777 · 28/12/2023 19:54

DC know something’s up. But you’re teaching them to have better and healthier boundaries in their relationships when they’re adults.

It’s going to be really tough for a little bit longer - but next Christmas will be another life entirely. You can do this!

PlantsPlanting · 28/12/2023 20:54

Wanted to say you are doing the right thing. I've posted awful things my DH has done over the years on MN and posted again today..
Only to be told again by MN to leave. And yet I'm still here. I feel resolve tonight that I am going to find the strength you have in 2024. I know this is cheesy as I don't know you of course but reading your posts and the helpful And motivating posts from others is my final kick up my arse and has inspired me. The fear around the kids and finances keep me here but like you I do have my own income so I need to count my lucky stars. I'm watching telly on my own on my birthday as he storms round the house. I pray next birthday I'm free. Don't look back. I have sons (5 and 3) and I would hate for them to become him. Please keep coming here for support. I wish you all the best

Dinkydoo17 · 28/12/2023 21:12

PlantsPlanting · 28/12/2023 20:54

Wanted to say you are doing the right thing. I've posted awful things my DH has done over the years on MN and posted again today..
Only to be told again by MN to leave. And yet I'm still here. I feel resolve tonight that I am going to find the strength you have in 2024. I know this is cheesy as I don't know you of course but reading your posts and the helpful And motivating posts from others is my final kick up my arse and has inspired me. The fear around the kids and finances keep me here but like you I do have my own income so I need to count my lucky stars. I'm watching telly on my own on my birthday as he storms round the house. I pray next birthday I'm free. Don't look back. I have sons (5 and 3) and I would hate for them to become him. Please keep coming here for support. I wish you all the best

I wish you all the best too in 2024. I did all this 3 years ago and my now XH was horrific. Btw it's typical narcissistic behaviour to storm n crash about on a special occasion. Absolute classic. OP is going to do this. You can too. Sending all strength to you 💪🏻

LaurieStrode · 28/12/2023 22:02

PlantsPlanting · 28/12/2023 20:54

Wanted to say you are doing the right thing. I've posted awful things my DH has done over the years on MN and posted again today..
Only to be told again by MN to leave. And yet I'm still here. I feel resolve tonight that I am going to find the strength you have in 2024. I know this is cheesy as I don't know you of course but reading your posts and the helpful And motivating posts from others is my final kick up my arse and has inspired me. The fear around the kids and finances keep me here but like you I do have my own income so I need to count my lucky stars. I'm watching telly on my own on my birthday as he storms round the house. I pray next birthday I'm free. Don't look back. I have sons (5 and 3) and I would hate for them to become him. Please keep coming here for support. I wish you all the best

Are your sons on the premises as he storms about?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/12/2023 10:05

Am I right in thinking today is the final day ?

So instead of counting down the days, you can count down the hours ...

Original poster
takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 30/12/2023 16:42

Counting down the hours indeed, he has been very nice and supportive today. We have put away all the Christmas decorations and cleaned the house. I have packed most things (got the important paperwork, a few special things and some photos) his kind and reasonableness is unsettling. But this time tomorrow I'll be in my new home!!

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 30/12/2023 17:06

Good luck tomorrow @takeasadsongandmakeitbetter I hope you feel an immense relief stepping in your new place. Take it easy and have a relaxing few days with your kids if you can. And pop that champagne at midnight and start making some lovely plans for you and the kids for 2024. X

Jillybloop393 · 30/12/2023 17:25

Difficult advising anyone when only on here, and not knowing you ... but just because he's being nice now, don't let that sway you - not if you know that his behaviour is forced and he'll return to his normal ways, the ones that you find so objectionable!
Keep strong ... this is a good start to your new year. Good luck, please keep us updated x

Kwasi · 30/12/2023 17:27

I am so proud of you and also envious.

My husband saw a message on my phone last night that said I was basically biding my time until after new year once I know what I can get.

He wants answers, but true to his usual controlling self, he keeps asking until he gets an answer he approves of.

herewegoagainonmydog · 30/12/2023 17:35

Well done OP. I love your clear steely determination. It'll be so worth it.

I'm long out the other side from this and i remember the wobbles!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/12/2023 18:12

please don't be fooled into a false sense of security, don't be surprised if you can't find your car keys tomorrow.