Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

I left our family home. Exh refused me taking even my pre married stuff. Even from my childhood.
Once I got settled in my rental I missed nothing I had left behind. Except the ddog.
Beware of a physical slump op.
Headache and stress.

But the dead weight had lifted.
Going home was a real treat now.

How's it going OP? You don't need to reply if you're not up to it etc. Just know we still have your back and we're here if you need anything. Take care 😊

Hope you're doing ok, one day at a time.

Thanks for checking in.
I'm doing ok, other than finances.
He's still refusing to pay maintenance and I haven't yet made a claim through CMS - partly because I want him to do the right thing, and partly because I feel all out of fight.
I applied for temp UC which was an absolute nightmare. My tax free child care was cancelled, I had to get my current landlord to write a letter and she absolutely freaked out I was claiming benefits and cut a long story short I had to pay my rent for the next few months up front (which I took a loan for)

So one month in. It's 100% still the right thing but I am in debt for the first time in my adult life (significant but I am incredibly lucky it's with family)

The thing that is really really bothering me is how difficult it is to leave from a financial perspective, there is little help available it would seem. I'm muddling through and will make this work but I am lucky to have family who can lend me money and a good, reliable income

Ex has said if I can't afford to separate ill just have to come back - which is only cemented my resolve

OP put a cms claim in today . There is no benefit to delaying . He’s trying to control you by leaving you with no suppprt for the kids so you return . Stand up to him!
They can back date from the day you claim but nothing before that.
They are his kids after all . Don’t try to please him it’s effecting your children’s standard of living .

I agree with this, especially if there is no backdating possible. He has already had his chance to do the right thing, and he is deliberately doing the wrong thing instead by trying to control you using money.

His behaviour also confirms that you did the right thing by leaving, in case you had any doubt.

If you claim CMS it will be the right thing for your children. You will be better able to provide for them emotionally and economically, and he will be in effect forced to assume indirectly at least a small fraction of his responsibilities towards his own children.

You’ve already taken the biggest and most difficult step by leaving, and when you find the strength to take this additional small step, it will help your children.

Yes I agree - don't delay on claiming what you are owed from your ex. He'll no doubt try to weedle out of it and pay what he owes in the tiniest instalments possible so the sooner he's made to start that the better. CMS do the fighting for you. All you have to do is make the phone call. Don't tell him you're going to do it. I've heard of too many men going to great lengths to hide money in advance of CMS getting in touch. Including taking demotions at work to avoid paying what they owe their own children! Men are shits! Screw him for every penny for your children's sake! You can do this!!

Please tell me you have now put in a CMS claim?

He isn't going to be reasonable, stop expecting him to see the error of his ways and change.

As above , please, please put in a CMS claim.
He isn't going to play fair and he needs to be doing what he should.

Ex has said if I can't afford to separate ill just have to come back - which is only cemented my resolve.

The man’s a sociopath—you get that, right? He will NEVER do the right thing unless he is forced to. This kind of person will only do what advantages them. If they have to act for someone else’s benefit they will make that person pay, in some way or another.

Cms claim today. As in right now if online is possible.

I've made the application online

It is going to really aggravate him.
He feels he shouldn't have to pay because I chose to leave and he is paying our mortgage.
We have had numerous conversations about this lately, most of which have been uncomfortable

I'm so glad you've gone to the CMS. He's being an arse, horrible. Just hold your line, OP, you can leave for whatever reason, he doesn't have to agree, or to like it, but he does have to pay for his children. Some men sicken me 😞

My ex tried to punish me through finances. We went all the way to a final hearing at court, where he was made to pay. He's still moaning about it nearly 10 years later.

Sending a hand squeeze - you can do this.

I agree: you can do this. Remember: it’s not a negotiation. The time for negotiation was before, or it may come later, but it’s not now.

In a relationship we may negotiate and compromise to continue the relationship. Ending a relationship we negotiate to dnd it on the best terms we can get.

But the leaving? It is not negotiable.

All his discussions and complaints are irrelevant. He would need to pay fir his children even if he were living in a rental and had no real estate or mortgage. What portion of the house you get will be decided by the courts according to their formula—it has nothing to do with his duty to his children to pay child support. the house isn’t an asset to them or you. Its a liability if it permits him to siphon money away from the children and store it up for himself.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter
Come on op. Do the right thing, put the claim in, he needs to get a grip and accept
Responsibility for the breakdown of his family. Don't let your children down by going back to this man.

Amongst other things he was greedy, mean and tight.

I am delighted that you have put in an online claim. He is going to have to learn the hard way isn’t he?

keep on keeping on

Well done getting the claim in OP. I left it a year to do this and was really disadvantaged financially while he popped all the money in his secret bank account. He's trying to control you by using money. Men like him lose sight of the fact that it's money for their own children. Instead they want to 'punish' the leaver. I had all this. Go you 💪🏻Keep going.

Ime you need to concentrate on what's fair for you and your dc..

Deep down you know he is controlling and punishing you.

Do not allow him to take up your mind space by doing so.

You are strong you have done it you have left him !

and if paying the mortgage is so bad for him, then he should have left ! and not made you do the leaving.

Hopefully the house is on the market ?
and may sell soon
and that will solve his mortgage paying !

p.s. he HAS to pay for the children for x years.

My divorce stated until dc had completed higher and / or further education i.e. until the day University ended.
It appears I had a good divorce solicitor as i understand many men stop paying at the age of 18.

Well the sooner he cracks on and sells the house to give you your share the sooner he can stop paying the mortgage.

Keep on keeping on

He hasn't paid anything towards the children for the whole of January - shame on him !

Well done for filing the CMS claim! If he gets aggravated every time he asked to do the right thing, then while I cannot say it is not your problem (because he will also aggravate you), it is most definitely his sole responsibility.

Just one thought: if he is entirely paying the mortgage on the house right now, PLEASE make sure that does not entitle him to claim more than 50% of the house when it is sold!

But again, it is his own sole responsibility that he is being a prick. I am sorry you have to put up with that.

So pleased you have put your claim in. It just shows, what you had to put up with! Hope he’s made to give you all the money he should have given you in the first place. We are all with you, a hand hold and like many on here, we think you are amazing and have definitely done the right thing! 😘🌸