Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

This week so far has been awful, DC has been hard work, ex is being over the top nice but not really helping with anything. I've taken some time off work and ex is having the kids a couple of days.
I feel angry and sad and overwhelmed.
Next week I'll speak to my solicitor again and get the house on the market too. This week I just need to be and try and recover a bit.

Just try to be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot! Could you meet up with a friend for coffee/meal maybe and have a little bit of me time.
You have every right to feel both angry and sad, but hopefully these feelings will pass and your happier life will begin! 🌸

How are you doing, OP? Can you get a bit of rest this weekend?

I hope next week is better for you. Just keep your eye on the prize - your ex-free future :)

I hope you’re resting or doing things you enjoy this weekend, OP. You’ve done brilliantly so far. You’ve dragged yourself and DC up out of ex’s miserable pit, and it was a great effort and there’s still work ahead. But you’ve completed the hardest task — well done!

Hope you've had a decent weekend OP and feeling a little better. Every week is another one in your shiny new life! There will be tough days but they will get less and less :)

Yes how are you doing this week ? We are still all here for you.

Just remember one thing you wrote when you started this thread on 12th Dec - one month and 3 days ago

'I have been unhappy for so long,'

Yes your children will be different - they too are going through a big change but it really does get better.

Yes you will be lonely - remember you had this person at home with you at weekends/evenings etc. remember this person made you unhappy for so long.

Sunday day times were the worst for me in the beginning, I ended up going to softplay - as it wasn't something we usually did on a Sunday / Sundays are ' family ' days for other families i.e. no playdates etc. It was Winter so cold / wet / dark early.
By the time Spring came it was different - could go to the park / beach, friends / family came to stay as it was Easter holidays etc.

And of course Ex is being over the top nice - he has realised you meant it ! as you have done it !

You may find it helpful / useful / more structured if you decide / agree now on when the children will see Daddy and how often he has them, and stick to it, children like routine and you don't want Daddy being difficult or changing things when custody / maintenance etc. is being decided / finalised.

I had a really bad few days, I underestimated how bad it would feel and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I felt anxious and paranoid and absolute self loathing.
But, I think I've moved through that a bit now.
I took some time off work (3 days) and when I returned Monday it felt good to be there.
I feel calmer with the children and everyone else and I'm trying to be kinder to myself.
I know I made the right decision and I haven't doubted that but I have doubted myself and if I deserve to feel happy ever again.
I miss my home, my life that I built in spite of him and the routine and comfort.
I will be at the house today cleaning and tidying for the estate agent to take photos so it can be put on the market asap.
He has been viewing properties.
I think I'll rent a while longer.
I still feel tired and worn down but I'm focusing on the positives as much as possible, my life is certainly calmer and happier now than a month ago, it's just a big adjustment

OP you are amazing x

Thank you for your update! We are all behind you. You do deserve to be happy, and make a new life that is so much better. 🌸

You are amazing and an inspiration. You are giving me the belief that I can deal with m own awful situation. xxx

You truly are amazing, OP. Keep going!

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

I am sad to hear that you have been having so many negative feelings about yourself.

Just in case this helps a smidgeon, I should share that when I read your posts, I feel only admiration and compassion for your strength and courage. You sound as though you don’t feel strong or courageous, but your actions are tangible proof that you are both.

Exactly that. Very well put.

We all think you're a bit of a star OP. Worthwhile and important things are often very hard. Sending warm fuzzies your way

OP I remember those feelings and that phase. In some ways friends telling me how amazing and wonderful I was, made me feel worse, because I missed some of the effortlessness of my old life. I felt a bit like a traitor towards ‘new me’. But it’s ok to feel all of those complicated feelings. It is not as simple as outright regret but it is a strange emotion.

Honestly it’s still the best decision you have ever made. And you have got this. And we have got you.

You are all so bloody lovely it's made me have a little cry (in a good way!!)

I think I lost my way with the basics last week- I was barely eating (silver lining is I'm back in my pre baby jeans) and not sleeping enough.

This week I'm really trying to be calm and kind to myself and eating and sleeping more!

I was you two years ago. I stumbled upon an old diary last week and I was reading about how my world had ended and my heart was broken etc. Not only do I not remember writing it but I can't believe I felt it. It seems like it must have been written by someone else as I feel nothing but relief and happiness that I left and I feel nothing for exH whatsoever. You're in the middle of it now, push through it, feel the feels, do things that make you happy -"and youll look back at how far you've come soon, and be grateful that you did it. It does get easier I promise!

Well done for getting this far. It takes a lot of courage. Ignore his nonsense about money. He will have to pay maintenance and the house will have to be sold if he can’t buy you out. My ex tried to tell me I would get less than £10k from our considerable assets - to try and scare me. Eventually I got 70% of the equity. I used an interest free credit card to fund my divorce repaid from settlement. Lots of lawyers will do an initial hour for free which is a good idea to get a sense of what you’re entitled to - useful ammunition when he’s spouting nonsense. You can then pursue when you are in a better position to pay their fees. Good luck.

I just want to say wow and well done to you. Having read through this thread you have experienced hell before you decided to leave and hell during it. But you stuck to what you knew was right, didn't cave in the hardest of circumstances and so I know you will triumph. The bit about him talking manipulatively to you while you sat in the bath, naked, crying... well let's just say I wish bad things for him. He is scum. His mood swings, pathetic being nice and then nasty, changing plans, staying in the house and making you move out (!!!!!!) and lying about what he knows perfectly well you'll be entitled to - it all just cements what I already knew - that pretty much all men are underneath- selfish evil scumbags. You have a future, he doesn't. Grab yours by the horns and enjoy it!

How are you this week ?

Has the house gone on the market ? as you said an Estate Agent was coming round for photos etc.

How is your UC claim progressing - or am I being too nosy here !

Hi!
House is on the market and have multiple viewings booked for the weekend.

Feeling up and down, struggling with the alone time when the kids aren't here. Struggling with work as I feel distracted,
Feeling a different kind of lonely, I was lovely and sad with the ex but a different kind of frustrated lonely now.

Need to finish my UC application but just putting it off, despite living deep in my overdraft for the first time since university.

Overall it's positive. But still tired and still worn down x

That's a really big step the house being on the market !

Who is doing the viewings ?

Ok now concentrate on the UC application, do it one evening ? when you don't have the children.
Is he paying maintenance yet ? or will you have to go down the official route to get anything ?

It's January, so it's not the best month of the year anyway. So I'm not surprised you are tired and worn down - it is still early days, but baby steps and you have done so much already !

When you feel ready, you may want to ' do something ' during the times you don't have the children. It's probably been a long time since you had ' me ' time, what did you use to like doing ?
I also guess friends you had before marriage/children may well be married themselves / have children ?

You are doing so amazingly well, you are so strong. This is so hard now but will be so so much better on the other side.

You're doing great OP. You will get there. Well done on the munching and sleep. It might be worth taking a multivitamin and mineral supplement to make sure you don't have a deficiency, just in case.

Keep going. Each day another step closer to freedom.

Just to echo other's encouragement. January is a shite month but it's nearly over. Keep going you are amazing.