Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

Great update! There will be good and bad days, I am sure, but they will all be better in the end.

Re the drop offs , good suggestion above of a neutral place.

Keep going, the emotions will lessen.

If you haven't already phone CMS and get the ball rolling for maintenance unless you are sharing the DC 50:50.

Yes, might be wise to meet in a public place from now on. Whatever you do, don't go into the house. Tell him to come out to the car to get the kids.

If he refuses then just drive home again.

It's never wise to be alone with people like this after you've recently left them. Public place would be best for handovers.

That’s great about the house? Can you afford it?

You know it’s because he feels too sad rumbling around there when it’s only him

or he is so greedy and tight he wants a smaller place so his outgoings are less!

Has he mentioned maintenance yet?

Please make sure you get his name off those deeds though

Thank you for the update OP, I came on to see if you'd updated. Can you believe it's been a week already. I'm so glad things are ok and enjoying your time in your own place.

Good to see you're happy and feeling positive (albeit tired and emotional) OP. This is just the start. Honest. Get all the stuff around property and maintenance sorted and you won't know yourself in 6 months time. Hurray for bravery!! Hope the DC are both ok and settling in too.

Well done OP and keep going strong.

I’m a bit WTF at ‘he doesn’t want to know’ where you live. Tough shit really. I did the same as you, moved out with the kids, into rented initially, and I know what you mean about going back to the old home.

Maybe spin it to him that the children need to see he cares enough about them, to actually come and collect them. So you will be expecting him at Xpm at x address.

You are amazing, you have done the hardest bit. Hope you are able to get your house back, but the situation you are in now is so much better! Keep going forward, keep strong. 🌸

Be proud because you are a beacon! You're giving hope to women in the same position that you were in - you're showing them what is possible.

Congratulations! You are one very brave woman! And wishing you so much happiness in your new life :)

Congratulations!!! I think noving out was such a brave, cleansing, choice. If you do end up buying him out and moving back the house will have been exorcised and you can repaint and redecorate for the new family unit.

I'm swaying towards renting for a year or so before I commit to buying anywhere, I don't think I want to move back into that house after everything that has happened, but I don't want to rush that decision, have decided to not do anything for a week or two and just enjoy where I am right now.
Kids are ok. Eldest DC is better overall, but struggles with the transition between each house x

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter Do not feel obliged to move back in to a house that gives you mixed feelings, even if he wants you to buy him out. But, do not let him live in it indefinitely unless he buys you out, make sure that the price is fair if either of you buys the other out, and do be mindful of market conditions if you do decide you want the house to be sold on the open market.

There may be legal mechanisms to allow you to require that he either buy you out or accept a sale, but I do not know how much they cost in fees or how long they take. Unfortunately I suspect that if he wants to drag things out and cost you money, he can, but he will also get less if he does that so you do have some leverage if he cares about that.

He seems to have jumped on board a bit more and has engaged a mortgage broker, keep asking me ridiculous questions - he didn't even know who our mortgage was with or when we bought the house and for what price!! It's scary how little he dealt with anything. He was good with the kids this weekend but pick up / drop off was awkward

Keep going! Things will change faster and faster as he moves away from the relationship at light speed.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter I’ve just caught up with all your updates and you are absolutely amazing!! All the emotions you went through I also experienced but the difference is my children were teenagers and yours are still so young. You are incredibly strong and I can see a bright future ahead of you. Until you’ve been through it, it’s impossible to imagine how sickening and scary a break up and separation from your home is, especially when the ex makes it difficult using emotional tactics such as threats and guilt tripping. Congratulations on your bravery, warms my heart.

I was originally going to buy ex out of our house but he got arsey about it. I'm soooo happy in my new home and he's miserable back in our family home by himself. Best decision he ever made/biggest favour to me. It's worth considering a fresh start, especially the way you've been pushed out your home. It's tarnished. You're doing amazingly well 🥰

You've completed your first week - it only gets better ! tho there will be moments that you doubt yourself.

And there will be times when he is a twat !

The last few days have felt so depressing and horrible Ive been having a real wobble.

Had a bad few days at work and just feel lonely.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter read through this thread again after something nice to eat and drink! Then congratulate yourself for getting this far! What would you say to a friend in this situation? Be gentle on yourself, this is just a wee wobble, it’s to be expected. We’re all here for you, as a pp said. One day at a time…..stick on Miley’s ‘flowers’ and dance round the kitchen and see if that helps as a quick fix!

Unfortunately you will have ‘wobble’ days, but just think what you have accomplished already!
Good suggestion was to re read all the messages you have received on here. We can’t be with you be we are certainly behind you.
Hand hold to you, you aren’t alone! 🌸

It's natural to have doubts. Stay strong.

There are far worse things than being lonely.

Wobbles are normal. You are ok. You did the right thing.

It's a big adjustment OP. I did this three years ago and still have wobble days and lonely days. This is all very new for you. Please be kind to yourself. Do little things for self care. A coffee shop coffee. A bit of trash tv. A book in the bath. If you think about it, you were probably more lonely in the relationship. This is you taking time to adjust to being with yourself rather than modifying your every action to keep the peace. We've all got your back OP x

Its january everyone has a few shit days. Thats why a lot of holidays are booked at this time of year(and also a lot of divorce proceedings started!)
Onwards and upwards, you're doing fab 🙂