Hand hold please- I'm finally finally doing it

[takeasadsongandmakeitbetter]

Just looking for some support and a handhold please
Been with soon to be ex for about 12 years, 2 DC, we own our house equally with a mortgage.

I have been unhappy for so long, he just isn't kind to me, or fair, and has always been very tight with money- to the point I had to save up to go on maternity leave with both children and fully fund my share of bills etc whilst on SMP.

I have tried to end this relationship time after time but he has made it impossible - i was heavily pregnant / I had a small baby and nowhere to go and no money / he told me no one would have me / my family didn't care etc etc

I am and always have been in a relatively good job but my new job has given me financial security and independence

2 weeks ago I finally did it - told him it was over and I've stuck to it- he was angry and unkind at first, then sad and implying he would hurt himself, now just out with friends most days and ignoring me.

Initially he said I couldn't move out as it wasn't fair on the children to move them out of their home etc etc

He ha finally agreed to me moving out.

I have found a holiday rental from Jan, can pay the deposit and first month upfront and can afford it moving forward.

He will not leave the house, will not pay maintenance and will not really talk about selling the house (we have about 200k equity)

I am wobbling

This is HARD. I am TIRED. I am WORN down

I need to pay the deposit and just do it. I know if I don't I will be miserable and will be here again and again. I'm also aware that my friends and family probably think I'm ridiculous as a year ago we announced we were separating and then tried again.

I know this is 100000% the right thing but I'm scared.

Congratulations on getting out! Enjoy that champagne and sausage roll in your bathtub!

🥂🥂🥂
To a new year filled with freedom!

Yes! I’m so pleased you did it 🥰 Happy new year in your new home! Bet that champagne tasted sweet!

Oh you brave, strong warrior woman!!! Saw this thread for the first time today, and will follow. I’ve done this. Twice. It’s every bit as horrendous as you’ve described but THE JOY of being free from an abusive twat is indescribable. Yes it’s hard. And will get harder for a while, but you’re prepared for that. The wise mums have told you and they’re right.

I sometimes look back and wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t done e
what you have done and I just know it wouldn’t be the oasis of calm it is now.

There was no Mumsnet back in the day, I wish there had been. It’s like having a team of supporters cheering you on. I am among their number.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAPPY NEW LIFE

Well done!
I knew you could do it
Happy new year, heres to you and a fresh start. 🙂

How are you doing op? Well done for extracting yourself from that situation.

You gave him plenty of opportunities to put his behaviour right and he didn’t take them, he didn’t treat you like an equal and you have done a great thing to shield your children from a dysfunctional relationship

I am so pleased that you managed to extricate yourself from the situation. How are you doing op? I hope you’re ok.

OP you are inspirational well done! Hope you enjoyed the first day of the new year and your new chapter. How are you all doing? X

I'm ok, still in shock I've done it, still feeling good although a little overwhelmed and have an underlying sense of panic constantly.
Thanks for all checking in x

This feeling will pass. It will take time. I am glad you are ok x

Your mind and body has been on high alert for a long time, it’s going to take awhile to process everything and feel relaxed. Just be kind to yourself and know you have us on here to help x

I went to work this morning, it was a bit much, came home (I love that this is now home) and did some work from home. I am now just trying to relax but struggling to sit still or concentrate!

You've been through a huge ordeal. It takes a toll. I'm so glad your employers are supportive. Be kind to yourself. Make lists and write things down so your brain doesn't feel overwhelmed with 'things to do'. We're here for you OP. Btw. When I did all this, I emailed DC's school ahead of them going back after the school hol. It gives them a heads up so they can give kindness and support to DC if required. Not sure how old yours are but thought I'd mention it.

May I suggest an hour or two of mindless telly to relax you? Accompanied by and ?

This. ☕️ and 🍰.... makes everything feel a bit better.

You'll have been running on adrenaline for the past few days, no wonder you're feeling a bit twitchy, it's like coming down off a drug and natural to feel like that after what you've been through.

Thank you, I've just emailed the school. DC are 2 and 5, thanks for reminding me!

Halfway through call the midwife Christmas special and sorting through some final bags of stuff that needs unpacking trying to sit still!

I don't think you realise yet just how strong you have been - and how strong you are! But you will - and you'll not regret this!
Just want to say that you should be so proud of yourself for getting this far. And even though the next few days and weeks will be a bit bumpy as you get used to it, you have made the right decision. You will not regret this. YOU HAVE DONE IT!!

You. Will. Survive. This. And you will be happy! 😊 xx

You have taken the biggest, scariest step. The rest will follow.
Keep looking at how far you have come.

I am full of admiration. (I stuck with a very unhappy marriage for far too long. I should have done what you have done).

Onwards and upwards, one foot in front of the other xx

I've just read your post, and wanted to congratulate you on your strength and fortitude! Good woman!

Wishing you health and happiness in your new home and new future x

Congratulations and wishing you a happy start in your new home.

Just an update- still absolutely the best decision I have ever made, I'm overwhelmed and tired and emotional BUT at least I have space to process how I'm feeling, and I feel so much calmer already.

Ex is now speaking to mortgage brokers and has said he would prefer me to buy him out (and that he should have left the house- well obviously!!)

He has stuck to all childcare arrangements so far.

Pick ups have been tricky- he won't bring the children to me as he doesn't want to know where we are living and I find it really emotional to go back to my home that I no longer live in.

I have been slowly reaching out to friends (and trying not to be embarrassed- especially those I've lost touch with in recent months / years - a lot of which he decided he didn't like)

I still read through your encouraging words when I have a wobble, which is less and less as the days go by.

I can actually see the future I want now, and I'm actively going after it with both hands!!

Loving the updates. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. It takes real courage to leave.

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter great updates!! Just a thought - if you don’t want to do pickup at the old house, can’t you meet at a neutral place, supermarket, library or something? Remember, he doesn’t get to call all the shots now!