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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost my husband to conspiracy theories

137 replies

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 11:31

I 30 f married my 40 m husband two years ago.
beginning on the pandemic he started to get into Qanon and other conspiracy theories ie like the earth is flat, Tom hanks is evil and the mainstream media lie to us all the time.

it's got to the point where he's now questioning about our children's school and also buying gold and silver so we have something to trade when the banks collapse.

now he's very aggressive towards me and shows me no respect when I don't listen to his videos or when I tell him to stop when he's telling our young pre school children the earth is flat or Jesus birthday is in April.

I know my husband is still in there as it comes out sometimes and I can have a proper conversation with him.
I'm just lost and don't know what's best as the more time goes on I can the old him fade away.
am I alone? Or is there others out there like me who's got to the point of no return?

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 09/12/2023 11:43

Someone will be along with better thoughts who have experience. I don’t but it has occurred to me that conspiracy theorists seem very much like people who have been taken in by a cult, except their contact is only online.
I’m wondering if the advice given by websites that advise families who’ve lost people to cults might also be helpful to you. They might be worth googling

crochetmonkey74 · 09/12/2023 11:46

I'll be following this thread keenly OP as my best friend has done this too. It's like they are radicalised. It's very hard to know what to do

TheCatfordCat · 09/12/2023 11:46

I have no advice but I empathise. I have been through similar. I find anxious men tend to follow this more than others. The pandemic has a lot to answer for.

samestyle · 09/12/2023 11:49

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to change him back, it's sad how people get sucked into this brainwashing conspiracy theories. When it's getting to the point of him being aggressive towards you, I think it's time to think about going your separate ways.

ConflictedCheetah · 09/12/2023 11:51

This is my mum too.

I've been reading this book which is really helpful

Escaping the Rabbit Hole: How to Debunk Conspiracy Theories Using Facts, Logic, and Respect https://amzn.eu/d/19pAFwQ

HappiestSleeping · 09/12/2023 11:55

The indisputable proof that the earth is not flat is twofold. First and foremost, if it were flat, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now. And if that doesn't shake him out of it, maybe the photos we took when we went up and had a look will.

If he doesn't believe that we've ever been into space, it's fairly easy to prove as there are ways to do so yourself.

Gowlett · 09/12/2023 12:00

My ex-friend & her husband almost split over this. He’s had to get with her madness (or leave). They’ve lost a lot of friends. At least their daughters are back in school. Try to keep your kids in school. Irony is these folks talk about us being manipulated by main stream media etc (and certainly lots of things they say are actually true) but spend so much time online “researching” all of this stuff (rabbit hole). It’s the aggression that comes with it… You may need to get away from him.

Dotcheck · 09/12/2023 12:02

Tbf- there are many layers to the ‘jesus’s birthday is in April’ malarkey. It may be- not sure why that’s an issue.

Tbh, I couldn’t live with someone who fell prey to conspiracy theorists- it’s exhausting. My sister believes a lot of that but I don’t live with her and we have agreed not to speak about certain things. I'm not sure how that would work in a marriage though

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 12:06

I was using it as an example about Jesus birthday but our children go to a Catholic school both 5 years old. He didn't want them to par take in the annual Christmas play because it's propaganda and brain washing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 12:07

Thank you will check out his podcast

OP posts:
Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 12:09

Yes it's now the aggression and no respect when I tell him to stop what's now being a problem. I'm hoping somehow things can change but it's only getting worse, as I mentioned sometimes I get the old him back and it's great. I have no idea how to move on and try to help him.

OP posts:
Nameychangey12455 · 09/12/2023 12:17

I've name changed for this.
My db is like this. It's a nightmare. I'm pretty sure he's antisemitic as he buys in to all the horrible conspiracy theories about Jews ruling the world, plus loads of other mad stuff.
He does not take any event at face value, always there is a sinister alternative explanation for world events, and his takes are cynical and often terrible, it's very depressing. He has been like this for apx 15 years. I don't think he'll come out of it because he does not listen to reason; any disagreement is met with the argument that I've fallen for the narrative. It's infuriating.
My db is able to moderate and we avoid conversations about politics (or anything potentially sensitive) like the plague. He can be pushy about it but he does stop when I tell him. He's a lovely man apart from that and a good and kind father to his dc, as well as a faithful and devoted husband to his dw.
I would suggest that you try to raise this with a relationship counsellor. I know it's depressing af, but you need to realise that (worst case scenario) he's in a cult. He's not coming out. You stand every chance of having a successful marriage but there are topics off limits for you, and he needs to moderate and stop ramming it down your throat. This is not what you bought in to.

Sad, but what's the alternative? If you leave him you will have absolutely zero control over what he tells your dc.
Sorry this is happening. It's horrible.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 12:22

Your db sounds exactly like my husband. Every world event is an all a lie and we're living in a 'movie'.
i feel like I've lost my once lovely husband into a cult. I have been thinking about a relationship counsellor but he also believes people in medicine or therapist are all controlled by the same narrative so I'm not even sure if he will come.

OP posts:
TheGhostOfTheOpera · 09/12/2023 12:26

I agree with counselling but for the OP.

The cost of staying ‘because otherwise you’ll have no control of what he tells them’ is huge. The OP would have to monitor every thing she says. She would always be on edge. And more importantly fir her and her dcs, she would never be able to be herself.

Im not saying LTB. But fir that marriage to be able to carry on, she first need to establish boundaries and she needs to learn to implement them. Hence my advice for personal counselling.
Then maybe look at couple counselling.

Rrg · 09/12/2023 12:26

When you go down the rabbit hole and start to realise what we thought we knew or were told is/may not be true, then some start to see conspiracy in everything and have a need to share as much as possible, after a while control returns as you find like minds.
Maybe look at the things he is saying and research for yourself, that way you can find actual facts to either disagree or agree.
For example, I watched a comprehensive video on the flat earth theory which had some compelling arguments, but did not convince me.
However, buying gold and silver has its merits as the levels of debt of out fiat currencies is not sustainable and we are long overdue a crash. Research the reality of our financial systems and you will likely be shocked.
As far as the media your husband is spot on. Look at some ‘alternative’ media and also bills being proposed in parliament regarding censorship.
There is no excuse for aggression, but maybe try patience rather than dismissal.
I always look at: Who benefits and where/who is the money behind it

ArtyStripySocks · 09/12/2023 12:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nameychangey12455 · 09/12/2023 12:30

Oh bollocks, the name change went
So sorry. It's horrendous.
Is there someone you can talk to that he trusts? Not someone that's going to try to change the way he thinks because there's no chance of that 😢, but maybe someone that could persuade him he needs to prioritise his relationship with you over his new-found passions.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 12:31

I do agree with what you're saying.
but he's got us into debt with buying said silver and gold.
I'm never dismissive but I will say things like 'can we talk later I'm busy doing dinner' or never disagree with him.
its getting to the point now where it's effecting our children's school but also our marriage where he's started to break things around the house because I question him about said flat earth.
some things I do agree with you on conspiracy side but I would never shout at people until they agree with me. Also dh parents and brothers won't speak to him due to his anger if you don't believe him.

OP posts:
TheGhostOfTheOpera · 09/12/2023 12:33

@Rrg i actually agree with you re not taking everything said by MSM at face value. But I wouldn’t take everything said by other outlets at face value either!

Having said that, the issue is NOT the difference in beliefs (even though I might draw a line under ‘the Earth is flat’ 😁).
The issue is tte fact he is getting aggressive because tte OP beliefs are different than his. It’s the fact it’s affecting his dcs lives - the not participating in the Christmas celebrations at school is a big one for a 5yo. Esp when you’ve chose to send your dcs to a catholic school.

I think that’s the difference between having a critical view of the works around us, and esp MSM and being a cult.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2023 12:33

Do you think that such a man would be at all amenable to counselling given how he behaves?. It is highly unlikely he would ever sit in front of a counsellor and op needs to realise she cannot actually help him. He does not want her help or support.

I would plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention. Your children are also being affected by their dads behaviour and he is not going to change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2023 12:35

You have a choice re this man, they do not. What are they going to remember about their childhoods if you choose to stay with him?.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 09/12/2023 12:36

@Helplessbeth im sorry.

If he is at the stage of breaking stuff in the house, then he has become abusive and what we’re talking about here is DV.

I think you need to look at it in this way unfortunately. Violence, regardless of the reason why, is never ok.

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 12:37

if it were flat, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

I think my neighbours must have just heard me laughing out loud

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 12:39

he's started to break things around the house because I question him about said flat earth

That's domestic abuse.

To be very harsh, ten years was also a pretty reasonable age gap in a relationship; as I've gotten, I've become rather suspicious of ppl who choose partners a decade and more younger.