Lost my husband to conspiracy theories

[Helplessbeth]

I 30 f married my 40 m husband two years ago.
beginning on the pandemic he started to get into Qanon and other conspiracy theories ie like the earth is flat, Tom hanks is evil and the mainstream media lie to us all the time.

it's got to the point where he's now questioning about our children's school and also buying gold and silver so we have something to trade when the banks collapse.

now he's very aggressive towards me and shows me no respect when I don't listen to his videos or when I tell him to stop when he's telling our young pre school children the earth is flat or Jesus birthday is in April.

I know my husband is still in there as it comes out sometimes and I can have a proper conversation with him.
I'm just lost and don't know what's best as the more time goes on I can the old him fade away.
am I alone? Or is there others out there like me who's got to the point of no return?

This is abusive behaviour. It is not really about conspiracies or theories!

Thank you for your comments.
im going to speak to my parents today for some support and start the process of leaving. I agree if it's effecting my children's lives then the best thing to do is leave.

My ex husband did all of this, sorry OP - ex for a multitude of reasons including this.
I’m not sure you can pull him out of it, they go down a rabbit hole and have to want to take other views on board.

You have my sympathy, it’s exhausting being around someone who sees the bad in everything and cannot believe anything at all at face value. I’m not a naive person but gosh they take it to a whole other level.

For me it also signalled other underlying issues, an arrogance that they were more informed than anyone else, the rest of society were sheep and misinformed. It made him arrogant and disrespectful which caused all sorts of issues and resentment.

I’m sorry, you could wait and see if he’ll change back, try to counter arguments etc but if the rot has set in where he thinks he’s above you and everyone else then you might have no way forward.

He is being abusive towards you and in turn your children.

And I would also think that when he is breaking things he is breaking “your” things rather than items he has purchased or for his own self.

my personally has saw a huge difference into his beliefs of conspiracy theories. He was once a lovely happy man then the pandemic happened and it's all changed. When I do manage to speak to him when he's 'here' he even admits and jokes the conspiracy theories have made him 'crazy'
theres being a conspiracy theorist then there's borderline cult.

It's hard and it may be that leaving is the only option.

From what I've read reasoning doesn't work. What can - sometimes - work is helping people get back into social life separate from politics. These conspiracy theories offer an illusion of community to lonely and lost peoole - if your DH could somehow be persuaded to take up litter-picking/supporting West Brom/playing pickleball/metal detecting/singing in a choir/park run/going to the pub with a couple of mates once a week/ honestly doesn't matter what; then that might crowd out the Q Anon nonsense.

I am a rabbit holer. I can end up trapped down in a warren of all sorts. Because it’s connected to my ADHD the second I get bored it all goes away and doesn’t “stick” as part of my identity, a tribe I belong to or a hill I remain committed to dying on.

DH had no idea how to get me out when I was off on an extended burrowing session, and I had no idea I was on one. Blah, blah long story, got diagnosed. Discovered coping strategies, how to recognise my behaviour patterns and what sort of brakes I could apply.

The best one for me has now been renamed “touching grass”. I need to be off-line A LOT. Out in nature as far as work and commitments allow. With real live “in person” humans who aren’t on screens. Meanwhile Adult DS goes and fucks about with my youtube algorithm so I get lots of baby skunks, funny cat, “how to bullet journal” (not that I ever will), wholesome gardening videos suggested.

I can do the reset for myself now, but it’s been a quite a few years. I’d say it’s a lot on the plate for just one human to help covertly shunt somebody into a reset (any not everybody is easily resettable), so if he has any family or friends willing to help nudge him back to Real Life that would be a real help.

I’m promising nothing, because humans are messy, complicated individuals. No solution is one size fits all. In fact, there are no solutions, only trade-offs, because everything comes with a costs, unintended consequences and benefits ratio of its own. But as a practical attempt at doing something, anything, to get him back from the rabbit warren this one has decent track record for some of the people, some of the time.

And big, fat, massive hug. I’d much rather have to live in me, than with me. It has got to be so much harder for the person who can see very clearly what is happening (while the rabbit-holing spouse is happily blinded to the mess they are in and the hurt that causes to those who love them.)

Yep I get the sadness and grief coming from loosing the man you loved to some conspiracy theory cuit.
It must be heartbreaking to see him slip away like this.

But nothing you do will change that because change has to come from him. Just like people who are addicted to alcohol or cigarettes.

And I believe DV, him getting so angry he is breaking things etc…. should be a boundary to never ever cross.
I hope you get the support you need in RL.
And you can still get support on here too.

Meanwhile Adult DS goes and fucks about with my youtube algorithm so I get lots of baby skunks, funny cat, “how to bullet journal” (not that I ever will), wholesome gardening videos suggested.

@AlienatedChildGrown thats an amazing way of dealing with things. Your ds is fantastic. Such a great idea!

I believe this to be a mental health issue at its root cause,there is also a certain personality type who are more readily influenced, the anxious/paranoid/wish to be superior but feel inferiors types .

you’ve got at least one theorist on here.

i have a loose friend who is in the same situation, she will sit and calmly and pragmatically explain her rationale. Like it’s the truth and real. She is completely unable to grasp the nuance, see reality or why she is clearly fundamentally wrong.

its everything from the earth is flat, to Covid was a conspiracy, to bill gates microchipping us all, some nonsense about 4g spying on us, David Icke being some form of prophet. It’s endless, if there is a conspiracy to be had, she will spend time reading that nonsense from people like her on line and be suckered in and believe it. She is also unemployed, so this fills a lot of her time, she falls down the rabbit hole and comes back up covered in shit.

i don’t think there is any help for these people. But I do feel sorrry for you, I would not raise kids with one.

The people who spread these awful conspiracies thread in so many blocks to reasoned opposing arguments. Getting through to someone who's swallowed it is definitely akin to someone in a cult. They are so determined they're right.

Same with the Covid-denier/anti-vax brigade - once you've decided you 'don't trust science', how do you ever accept a medical opinion ever again?

The irony of meeting every counter argument with a blanket 'fake news' when they themselves are literally sucking up engineered lies daily is staggering.

My worry is who and why the conspiracy theories are being engineered in the first place. It's incredibly worrying.

I think you need to seek out some advice, OP. This must be a lot to have to deal with.

I think it's fair enough for him to believe these things, but the aggression and impact on your children is totally unacceptable.

Maybe rather than trying to challenge him on the beliefs himself, focus on the impacts of his behavior? Surely he wants his children to feel safe, included etc.

Tom hanks is evil?

Telling him to stop isn't exactly respectful either. Sounds like there is fault on both sides

Yeap. I take back what I said about fault on both sides

I understand what you mean when I tell him to stop but these conversations are when the children are around and I can sense tension building up. I should maybe word it better to him but I don't want arguments around my children.

@TheGhostOfTheOpera DS is an amazing result of all our recessive genes, and virtually none of ours.

It’s like living with a young, male version of my sister, but with a large pinch of both his grandfathers’ strategic mindsets, sportiness and lack of willingness to to put up with shit that can be made into high grade compost with a few quiet, practical tweaks to the environment the shit is currently residing in.

Thank god we only had one kid. The next one could have been all the worst not recessive genes DH & I hold between us 😅

He is well worth every single one of the SIX FECKING YEARS it took to get him to sleep through the night.

I’m sorry, OP. I don’t know what people do when a loved one has fallen into conspiracism. I walked away from someone who was caught up in conspiracism, a person who presents herself as highly spiritual. I don’t see anything spiritual about giving credence to hatemongers like Alex Jones or David Icke and I don’t think there’s any conspiracy theory that doesn’t include a good dollop of ugly anti-Semitism.

Although this is besides the point - the Christian Church folded the birth of Jesus into pagan winter festivals (there's a word for this taking over of Old Religion festivals but I can't remember it). And I literally just had a chat with my DC about how if I was the Roman Emperor ordering a census I wouldn't plan it mid winter, late spring/ early summer makes more sense logistically. So Jesus almost certainly wasn't born at what we now celebrate as Christmas, it's common knowledge at this stage.

He shouldn't be abusive though

Reminds me of that classic MN thread ' Dolphins are only pretending to be nice'.

Apparently the little sods are rotten to other animals when we're not looking.

Make sure he keeps it to himself at work. We have a flat earther in our office and everyone’s a bit wary of him now. Same bloke has some mental health issues and they do seem to go hand in hand.

I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who was into conspiracies. It would be like being permanently gaslit. I try and be open minded though and accept that people don’t value science and logic and have a need to feel in control whether it’s being a prepper or just one of the religions.

Tom Hanks? TOM HANKS? What's that all about?

Perhaps dolphins are controlled by the World Economic Forum. Sorry....

Tbf, dolphins pin their young to the sea bed until they nearly drown as a punishment for misbehaving, so can imagine them being a bit hard core in general

Tom Hanks conspiracy theory:

QAnon activists subscribe to a belief that Hanks has been replaced by a body double because the real actor was arrested for child abuse and sent to Guantanamo Bay, or “possibly executed by the military”.