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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost my husband to conspiracy theories

137 replies

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 11:31

I 30 f married my 40 m husband two years ago.
beginning on the pandemic he started to get into Qanon and other conspiracy theories ie like the earth is flat, Tom hanks is evil and the mainstream media lie to us all the time.

it's got to the point where he's now questioning about our children's school and also buying gold and silver so we have something to trade when the banks collapse.

now he's very aggressive towards me and shows me no respect when I don't listen to his videos or when I tell him to stop when he's telling our young pre school children the earth is flat or Jesus birthday is in April.

I know my husband is still in there as it comes out sometimes and I can have a proper conversation with him.
I'm just lost and don't know what's best as the more time goes on I can the old him fade away.
am I alone? Or is there others out there like me who's got to the point of no return?

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 21:04

FatFatMary · 09/12/2023 20:37

I really can’t get the flat earth one. Why would they lie ?

It is one of the silliest ones as I don’t get who benefits from it. If anything I’d be more afraid of travelling if I thought I could just fall off the edge into space 😂

PeskyPotato · 09/12/2023 21:08

My sister left her husband as the same thing happened. He was disabled and at home watching videos all day.

My nephews have a few weird beliefs now. They're teenagers so able to shrug off a lot of their dads beliefs but will come out with some stupid stuff occasionally that me and mum explain is bonkers and just ignore your dad.

He's never been violent though, he will argue till blue in the face but would never lose his temper and that is my biggest concern for you and the kids here. You need to get safe.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 21:12

Yes he thinks our house is bugged and the government are listening to us.
we are your 'normal' family who work have two young children. Nobody important.

OP posts:
Museum10663 · 09/12/2023 21:14

Dymaxion · 09/12/2023 20:05

What has MSM lied about ? People always say this but never seem to come up with actual examples of the lying ?

its debated that : One example is the coverage of the Iraq War in 2003. Many mainstream media outlets, relying on official sources and intelligence reports, reported on the presence of weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) in Iraq.

FatFatMary · 09/12/2023 21:17

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 21:12

Yes he thinks our house is bugged and the government are listening to us.
we are your 'normal' family who work have two young children. Nobody important.

So he’s psychotic. I’m not sure what you can do if he doesn’t realise he’s unwell. You need to get advice from a doctor

Museum10663 · 09/12/2023 21:21

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 21:12

Yes he thinks our house is bugged and the government are listening to us.
we are your 'normal' family who work have two young children. Nobody important.

techinally all it takes is hello alexia, or hello x mobile especially with the wizards at gchq etc

Kellunar · 09/12/2023 21:26

My partner was like this then had a psychotic episode as he had underlying mental health issues so maybe he needs some professional help instead dismissing him question why he feels like that and encourage him to see a doctor.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 09/12/2023 21:44

He would probably say the doctors are in on it, big pharma, control, etc. If he is so convinced, every argument for getting help will be part of it. Poor OP, no easy answer.

pineapple19 · 09/12/2023 21:49

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 11:31

I 30 f married my 40 m husband two years ago.
beginning on the pandemic he started to get into Qanon and other conspiracy theories ie like the earth is flat, Tom hanks is evil and the mainstream media lie to us all the time.

it's got to the point where he's now questioning about our children's school and also buying gold and silver so we have something to trade when the banks collapse.

now he's very aggressive towards me and shows me no respect when I don't listen to his videos or when I tell him to stop when he's telling our young pre school children the earth is flat or Jesus birthday is in April.

I know my husband is still in there as it comes out sometimes and I can have a proper conversation with him.
I'm just lost and don't know what's best as the more time goes on I can the old him fade away.
am I alone? Or is there others out there like me who's got to the point of no return?

My ex was like this. It was mild at the start and gradually got worse. I know people have different views and interests but it's like a cult.

I ended the relationship, but we had other issues too. I will say that I near enough lost my mind due to shit like this though.

I really empathise with you and hope you reach a solution best for you xxx

Kellunar · 09/12/2023 21:49

Yes your right my partner was convinced everyone was out to get him including me it was a horrible time in our lives he got sectioned for a month, we have two daughters hope you get sorted I know how you feel. 💙

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 21:52

I haven't dismissed him at all since 2020 I've tried to listen and understand. But I can clearly see it's got worse and my husband isn't there anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 21:53

Thank you so much. That's how it's becoming, it was mild at first but recently got a whole lot worse. I hope you're okay.

OP posts:
Kellunar · 09/12/2023 21:58

Sorry I didn't mean it like that as I know how you feel its like torture, hope you can get through this as its the worst thing I ever went through my partner is still on the mend he is on psychotic medication but still has his moments, wish you the best

neilyoungismyhero · 09/12/2023 22:00

To be honest I think I would have to leave to protect my children and myself. I guess the issue is though if he had 50/50 custody they would be more available for his rubbish, without you stepping in. Sounds like he's going to compromise your finances which is a huge worry too.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 22:08

It's ok don't worry I hope your partner is ok and wish you all a better 2024.

OP posts:
uninterestingusernamealert · 09/12/2023 22:08

AlienatedChildGrown · 09/12/2023 12:46

I am a rabbit holer. I can end up trapped down in a warren of all sorts. Because it’s connected to my ADHD the second I get bored it all goes away and doesn’t “stick” as part of my identity, a tribe I belong to or a hill I remain committed to dying on.

DH had no idea how to get me out when I was off on an extended burrowing session, and I had no idea I was on one. Blah, blah long story, got diagnosed. Discovered coping strategies, how to recognise my behaviour patterns and what sort of brakes I could apply.

The best one for me has now been renamed “touching grass”. I need to be off-line A LOT. Out in nature as far as work and commitments allow. With real live “in person” humans who aren’t on screens. Meanwhile Adult DS goes and fucks about with my youtube algorithm so I get lots of baby skunks, funny cat, “how to bullet journal” (not that I ever will), wholesome gardening videos suggested.

I can do the reset for myself now, but it’s been a quite a few years. I’d say it’s a lot on the plate for just one human to help covertly shunt somebody into a reset (any not everybody is easily resettable), so if he has any family or friends willing to help nudge him back to Real Life that would be a real help.

I’m promising nothing, because humans are messy, complicated individuals. No solution is one size fits all. In fact, there are no solutions, only trade-offs, because everything comes with a costs, unintended consequences and benefits ratio of its own. But as a practical attempt at doing something, anything, to get him back from the rabbit warren this one has decent track record for some of the people, some of the time.

And big, fat, massive hug. I’d much rather have to live in me, than with me. It has got to be so much harder for the person who can see very clearly what is happening (while the rabbit-holing spouse is happily blinded to the mess they are in and the hurt that causes to those who love them.)

I can relate to this (another ADHD'er, hello)

I can get burrowed right in a rabbit hole when I find something interesting. I'll have a good old read of conspiracy theories.some are interesting some are bonkers.

I think I'm 'saved' as it were, by the fact that I'm also autistic, and so my logic and attention to detail kicks in. So I can read and read... but then I think 'hmm actually that's fucking nonsense, these people are batshit' and I move on to something more plausible. Rather than envelop me, it becomes more of a 'people believe this bunkum, huh? Aren't people and how their brains work fascinating!' thing - for me.

I also have a friend who has 'lost' her husband to the whole covid anti-vax thing. He's convinced the Rothschilds/Illuminati/the 'Elite'/god knows who else are behind the whole pandemic, that we're all now chipped, vaccines deliberately are killing is to reduce the population and we're all headed for doom as sheeple... it is fucking bizarre. They're getting divorced. He was a normal, nice man before.

Anyway, enough of the me-rail.

OP regardless of his beliefs and how tightly he's got embedded into them (sorry dude, the earth is not effing flat, come on!!) his behaviour is having a significantly negative impact on you and your children.

Plan carefully. Get all your documents and paperwork in order (payslips, passports, birth certs, mortgage paperwork, bank statements, all that jazz) , do it quietly, and get them out of the house somewhere safe he can't get to. If you can without alerting him, start moving some money too, so you've got a safety net. There is a fantastic thread on here somewhere written by a woman who left her cheating arse of a husband and how she planned carefully first, I'll see if I can find it and link it but it should be a 'how to' guide for any woman who needs to get out.

Do not alert him. Careful of your phone and if he's monitoring it, or you. If he's starting to break things he's becoming abusive already and you don't want things to escalate.

Please take care, and get your shit together to get out with your kids.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 22:09

It's the thought of leaving as I slowly get a glimpse back of my husband. That's why it's so hard I suppose. I want to help him but he believes doctors, therapist etc are all evil it's hard to get the actual help for him.

OP posts:
uninterestingusernamealert · 09/12/2023 22:10

gamerchick · 09/12/2023 12:54

Tom hanks is evil?

Apparently the very epitome of it.

He communicates to his underlings via coded Instagram posts of coloured hankies, don't you know!

People are bonkers.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 22:10

@AlienatedChildGrown thank you for your long message of help. That's really help me understand. I wish you nothing but the best

OP posts:
HangingOver · 09/12/2023 22:25

To be very harsh, ten years was also a pretty reasonable age gap in a relationship; as I've gotten, I've become rather suspicious of ppl who choose partners a decade and more younger

Wtf does that have to do with anything?

uninterestingusernamealert · 09/12/2023 22:26

@Helplessbeth Here the thread of the woman who left her husband with some pretty awesome precision planning beforehand. He was a cheater so different situation, but she managed to set herself up well before she gave him the boot.

Good luck: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

SavBlancTonight · 09/12/2023 22:27

Museum10663 · 09/12/2023 21:14

its debated that : One example is the coverage of the Iraq War in 2003. Many mainstream media outlets, relying on official sources and intelligence reports, reported on the presence of weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) in Iraq.

Show quote history

Thuis is a fairly classic example of how a "grain" of truth turns into a conspiracy theory... people not understanding how media and journalism actually work.

Op - agree with other posters that the problem is that he's abusive and controlling and if it wasn't conspiracy theories it would be something else. You need to protect yourself and your dc.

justasking111 · 09/12/2023 23:53

uninterestingusernamealert · 09/12/2023 22:26

@Helplessbeth Here the thread of the woman who left her husband with some pretty awesome precision planning beforehand. He was a cheater so different situation, but she managed to set herself up well before she gave him the boot.

Good luck: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

I read the update last week five years on. What a woman.

CityCommuter · 10/12/2023 01:21

@Helplessbeth this type of behaviour (such as obsessions with conspiracy theories) can be a sign of early onset dementia / Alzheimer's... has he suddenly lost his inhibitions in public like swearing at strangers or started embarrassing you on purpose or does have any unusual recall / memory issues? Him getting angry with you if you don't agree to his latest conspiracy is also very concerning...

stopmefeelingsick · 10/12/2023 07:11

@justasking111 do you have a link to the update? I would love to read it. What an incredible woman!

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