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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost my husband to conspiracy theories

137 replies

Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 11:31

I 30 f married my 40 m husband two years ago.
beginning on the pandemic he started to get into Qanon and other conspiracy theories ie like the earth is flat, Tom hanks is evil and the mainstream media lie to us all the time.

it's got to the point where he's now questioning about our children's school and also buying gold and silver so we have something to trade when the banks collapse.

now he's very aggressive towards me and shows me no respect when I don't listen to his videos or when I tell him to stop when he's telling our young pre school children the earth is flat or Jesus birthday is in April.

I know my husband is still in there as it comes out sometimes and I can have a proper conversation with him.
I'm just lost and don't know what's best as the more time goes on I can the old him fade away.
am I alone? Or is there others out there like me who's got to the point of no return?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/12/2023 14:16

Thankyou.

I think that the people who dream this stuff up got addicted to the attention they got through the pandemic tbh.

I've 3 CT on my Facebook, recycling the same old stuff. I'm going to tell them how disappointed I am they didn't warn me about tom hanks. Might earn me a block or 2..

NamechangeForthisquestion1 · 09/12/2023 14:17

Unfortunately I lost my ex to this and despite mine and his parent's input we could not get him back. So I left. No idea how he's doing now..

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 14:17

I'm guessing he suffers from paranoid personality disorder, probably kicked up a few notches by all the things that happened during the pandemic. It is a sad condition to live with, but it is unlikely to get better so you are probably wise to get some space from him for the children's sake.

Pillboxer · 09/12/2023 14:25

Rrg · 09/12/2023 12:26

When you go down the rabbit hole and start to realise what we thought we knew or were told is/may not be true, then some start to see conspiracy in everything and have a need to share as much as possible, after a while control returns as you find like minds.
Maybe look at the things he is saying and research for yourself, that way you can find actual facts to either disagree or agree.
For example, I watched a comprehensive video on the flat earth theory which had some compelling arguments, but did not convince me.
However, buying gold and silver has its merits as the levels of debt of out fiat currencies is not sustainable and we are long overdue a crash. Research the reality of our financial systems and you will likely be shocked.
As far as the media your husband is spot on. Look at some ‘alternative’ media and also bills being proposed in parliament regarding censorship.
There is no excuse for aggression, but maybe try patience rather than dismissal.
I always look at: Who benefits and where/who is the money behind it

Anyone who thinks that watching some crank’s YouTube channel constitutes ‘research’ really needs a lessons in critical thinking.

Sera1989 · 09/12/2023 14:26

I had an ex boyfriend like this and it was so frustrating to hear him talk about these batshit theories. It caused a lot of arguments because he couldn't talk about anything else.
I have read several CBT books that mention it and I've spoken to an ex-conspiracy theorist, the theory seems to be that people who believe in this stuff usually have a strong desire for control over their lives but a feeling like they have no control. So they believe that "something else" is controlling everything and they look for evidence to support that (which leads them to believe that some randomer on the internet is exposing the truth and not journalists in the field etc.). In my ex's case, he didn't have a clue how the world works and didn't have a "business brain" which I think made the world a bit scary.
Your DP's aggression is a big concern. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it must be very stressful

SkyFullofStars1975 · 09/12/2023 14:30

I would equate this with a mental health crisis. And as you know, that won't go away without medication, counselling and a lot of professional input.

Saving yourself from his madness and your DC is about all you can do here, sorry.

Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2023 14:33

The main issue is he's abusive. Being aggressive and breaking things is intimidation. It's abuse.

Irregardless if he stopped believing these things or not, he's still be a bully.

People commonly male the mistake of thinking there's a good and bad side. That the person they fell for is in there. I'm sorry but that person never existed. It was simply bait to draw you in.

But even if that was not the case, he isn't safe to be around. Women are not rehab for damaged men. You are not his doctor or his therapist.

Get out of there before you become a statistic.

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/12/2023 14:42

Is he able to hold down a job? If he is, presumably he keeps quiet about this crap when he's at work.

Angrycat2768 · 09/12/2023 14:43

Meanwhile Adult DS goes and fucks about with my youtube algorithm so I get lots of baby skunks, funny cat, “how to bullet journal” (not that I ever will), wholesome gardening videos suggested.

Your DS does indeed sound great and also correct about Bullet journalling. It's changed my life!

Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2023 14:47

If it wasn't for the domestic abuse (which there's just no coming back from) I would have said to be like 'So what does Tom hanks being evil or the earth being flat actually matter? It doesn't affect us. And the stuff that 'might' isn't right now. But do you know what is? My husband has become so obsessed with conspiracies that I'm thinking about leaving him. You're so busy worry about random shit that may or may not be or might or might not happen - that you're destroying your own family'.

But unfortunately if they start breaking things and being aggressive, it's just not worth it. And probably even dangerous to tell him you're leaving in ops scenario. So op make sure you have family around when you tell him you're ending it. And 24/7 until he or you leave the home afterwards, ideally.

Original poster
Helplessbeth · 09/12/2023 14:56

He is self employed but I've noticed a dip in wages the past few years due to watching videos at work etc

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/12/2023 14:58

I can see how conspiracy theorists are anxious people as their explanations are usually quite simple and in a way comforting. It’d be a lot easier to manage and control if the world’s problems were just caused by an evil group of dark cloaked people instead of a myriad of factors with no big baddie. Ironically they say those outside can’t handle the truth but I think it’s them who can’t.

I hope you find some help but any reasoning with them will just drive you crazy.

I have a relative who recently retired in his 50s and has a lot of time on his hands now. He started going on about aliens visiting earth which surprised me as he seemed normal. I noticed his wife changed the subject slightly to it being about the probability of other life existing in the universe. I didn’t want to say anything and just stayed quiet. It must be hard to deal with.

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2023 14:59

I bet he breaks your stuff, not his, does he pay to replace them.

Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 15:03

Firstly his behaviour is omg towards you.

Secondly as for the main stream media, technically there has been proven conspaircy theories over the years which does not help when people choose to belive a wide range of them, so unless your eg Fox Mulder then who knows what other theories are true, etc @Helplessbeth

Angrycat2768 · 09/12/2023 15:17

SkyFullofStars1975 · 09/12/2023 14:30

I would equate this with a mental health crisis. And as you know, that won't go away without medication, counselling and a lot of professional input.

Saving yourself from his madness and your DC is about all you can do here, sorry.

My DH started engaging in Left Wing conspiracy theories after a mental health crisis. We manage it now by just not engaging in discussion, but it was very frustrating when he was in the major throes of it. I don't know what to suggest really. My DH still spends time watching videos and I know exactly who because he parrots things I have heard. Im just ignoring it. Just sympathy as it's so difficult when someone just comes up with conspiracy theories and then accuses you of 'being brainwashed by mainstream media' because you have a different opinion or point something out. I agree that the violence and breaking stuff is another level. However, I would be concerned about him having sole access to my children if you split. Especially as they get older.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 15:31

I'm so sorry.

This is a mental health issue, and he needs help.

If he won't accept this - because of his theories - he won't get better.

And now it's got to the point where he's exhibiting abusive, destructive controlling behaviour.

It's a slippery slope to violence.

Absolutely confide in your parents and seek their support.

And are his parents/siblings around and worried? They may be further allies who can help you.

As their father he will want access to them; their rights come first.

A solicitor would be a good idea, too

Maybe a word with your GP? Try to find out what mental health support is available if he can be persuaded to access it.

Abhannmor · 09/12/2023 15:49

gamerchick · 09/12/2023 13:56

Tbf, dolphins pin their young to the sea bed until they nearly drown as a punishment for misbehaving, so can imagine them being a bit hard core in general Grin

Show quote history

Oh no 😭 leave us our cherished illusions.

biscuit2403 · 09/12/2023 16:03

This was the same as my ex. Obsessed with them, was hooked on Andrew Tate & Pride.

Became aggressive when I wouldn’t listen to the misogynistic & homophobic nonsense.

I would have a conversation, a serious one. I couldn’t live with somebody whose view were so crazy & strong.

ChateauDuMont · 09/12/2023 16:09

.

Lost my husband to conspiracy theories
Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 16:28

ChateauDuMont · 09/12/2023 16:09

.

thats the pickle is balancing the possibility of x theories vs what history has shown that was true theories etc

MonZb · 09/12/2023 16:34

My DB has been like this ever since Covid jabs came out, he became an anti vaxxer and it has ruined what what previously a close relationship, not just with me and DH but also his DW (SIL) and kids.

It's like a weird cult.

SIL had to get her Covid jabs done in secret because of DB's anti-vax views.

biscuit2403 · 09/12/2023 16:37

Same thing with Covid jabs! Having to get them done in secret

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 09/12/2023 16:39

Yes, I received a bollocking for getting my elderly mum vaccinated. Then when I had it, told I had put myself at risk of a heart attack/infertility/stroke. So nasty, so toxic and this from a person who believes an angel has given her this information.

AmethystSparkles · 09/12/2023 16:42

It seems that there are the conspiracy theorists and the people who take everything at face value. Both groups are equally deluded.

You can’t seriously think that the mainstream media don’t lie? And that there aren’t people steering public opinion on websites such as this? Why wouldn’t there be if it benefits people financially and it can be done?

I think the group that isn’t deluded is made up of people who can admit that they don’t really know what’s going on. Everything is so complicated, everyone has their own agenda.

SarahShorty · 09/12/2023 16:52

The Qanon stuff is stupid, I agree. The earth is not flat. The mainstream media does indeed lie to us in my very honest opinion. The buying of gold is perfectly reasonable because the system of fiat currency we use is extremely unstable, and the value of gold never falls that much, there are peaks and troughs but it never goes through the floor. We have a collection of gold, mostly sovereigns, and silver Britannia coins. The UK came off the gold standard in the 1970s, and it's been chaos ever since.