Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

Fatatforty · 2023-12-08T11:40:03+00:00

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years. We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

SirChenjins · 08/12/2023 11:47

Does he know this upsets you? If it was me I’d want to establish why he’s doing it - does he think he’s being funny? Either way, I don’t see it as being your job to think of something to say, I see it as his job to stop saying it as soon as he knows it’s upsetting for you. If he doesn’t stop it once you’ve explained your feelings then that’s a whole different conversation.

Kendodd · 08/12/2023 11:50

You need to get in first with the 'hell no!'

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:50

I’ve said he makes it sound like he doesn’t even like me! He said we know the truth that he does like me so that’s all that matters.

Maybe I’m just being too sensitive? But I find it akward and embarrassing. And the other party looks a bit shocked and changes the subject!

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 08/12/2023 11:51

Kendodd · 08/12/2023 11:50

You need to get in first with the 'hell no!'

You beat me to it!!

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:51

Yes maybe I should get in there first next time with a no way on earth comment or something similar.

OP posts:

TeaAndStrumpets · 08/12/2023 11:54

"I'm still keeping my options open...can you blame me?"

With a beaming smile.

LadyBird1973 · 08/12/2023 11:54

You're not bro g too sensitive - his response is really rude and embarrassing. And tbh, the fact that you've told him it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't care enough to apologise and stop doing it, doesn't bode well.
You deserve better. I'd find a new boyfriend

wfcats · 08/12/2023 11:55

If you're only worried about other people's reactions and you feel the same then when he died that I would just laugh and say something like 'been there, done that' so that the other party know you're fine with it. However if it is upsetting you for any other reason then I agree with PPs, you need to talk to him about it and he needs to stop doing it.

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:59

Neither of us have been married before but both been in long term 10 year plus relationships with children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:02

Maybe I would like someone who likes me enough to marry me. Maybe that’s part of the issue too. Like I’m not good enough somehow. Even if I don’t actually want marriage he doesn’t know that, it’s not something we’ve spoken about. But from his reaction I guess he doesn’t want it which is fine by me but the hell no comment is just too much! It’s the loudness and force at which he says it too. I’m not even sure if I would have a chance to get in there first.

OP posts:

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 12:03

You find something upsetting and awkward and have asked him to stop doing it. He has refused. Ask him why. Why is it so hard for him to just respond normally to this question? A ‘it’s not for us’ and move on? What’s his actual issue with this?

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 12:04

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:02

Maybe I would like someone who likes me enough to marry me. Maybe that’s part of the issue too. Like I’m not good enough somehow. Even if I don’t actually want marriage he doesn’t know that, it’s not something we’ve spoken about. But from his reaction I guess he doesn’t want it which is fine by me but the hell no comment is just too much! It’s the loudness and force at which he says it too. I’m not even sure if I would have a chance to get in there first.

This doesn’t sound like a great relationship. I’m sorry.

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:10

He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I’m too sensitive.

We we’re watching a tv show where the male character said he didn’t believe in love it’s just a made up thing for marketing purposes with all the hearts and flowers or something like that, and my partner said here here! I said what you don’t believe in love and he said no. So I replied so you don’t love me and he said no and you don’t love me either. Loves a made up word. I care for you, respect you, lust you etc. but what even is love? I was so upset for the whole weekend, I still am to be honest. I asked him why he told me he loved me then when we were first together and he said because that’s what I wanted to hear. Which wasn’t true as I didn’t love him at the stage (a few months in) and had never said if to him.

I just feel sad at the moment. He said I’m being childish and to grow up and this is real life and I live in fairy tale land.

OP posts:

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 12:12

Yeah, you need to end this. Sorry, again.

prettygreenteacup · 08/12/2023 12:14

OP he is gaslighting you big time, clearly doesn't love you and has no respect for you. You say you want someone to like you enough to marry you. You marry when you're in love, not just liking someone. Leave this loser and find someone who adores you and isn't afraid to show it!

readymealeater · 08/12/2023 12:15

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:10

He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I’m too sensitive.

We we’re watching a tv show where the male character said he didn’t believe in love it’s just a made up thing for marketing purposes with all the hearts and flowers or something like that, and my partner said here here! I said what you don’t believe in love and he said no. So I replied so you don’t love me and he said no and you don’t love me either. Loves a made up word. I care for you, respect you, lust you etc. but what even is love? I was so upset for the whole weekend, I still am to be honest. I asked him why he told me he loved me then when we were first together and he said because that’s what I wanted to hear. Which wasn’t true as I didn’t love him at the stage (a few months in) and had never said if to him.

I just feel sad at the moment. He said I’m being childish and to grow up and this is real life and I live in fairy tale land.

Could he be ND?

"A ND is going to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly, and will do it without malice, without sly intentions.
They’ll just tell you what they think. Like it, or not. So, one good reason to love a Neurodivergent is that if they tell you something when you ask them, they mean it.
And sometimes ND’s don’t understand that NT’s like to hear some truths over and over like “I love you.” Just tell them. Say “I want you to tell me you love me at least three times every day. It makes me happy to hear it.” Okay. No sweat. Your ND will probably have no idea why it is necessary, but if it makes you happy, fine. He or she will work it into their daily routine."

Neurodivergents and Love: Five Good Reasons to Embrace Neurodiversity (couplestherapyinc.com)

Neurodivergents and Love: Five Good Reasons to Embrace Neurodiversity

Neurodivergents and love? Here are 5 good reasons to embrace Neurodiversity. In an AS/NT love relationship, you can take comfort in these 5 ideas.

https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/aspergers-and-love/

Isitisit · 08/12/2023 12:16

All words are made up words! Humans see or feel something and come up with a word for it, that’s how language works. He’s being a dick on purpose.

Isitisit · 08/12/2023 12:18

And there is no reason to think he is neurodivergent! He is being purposefully hurtful not just honest.

Autism/ADHD does not equal arsehole!

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:19

Yeah I think he’s being an idiot on purpose. Maybe he just put on a good act for the first 3 years and now he’s letting his true colours show.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:23

He does show he cares for me in other ways, he tries to make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy as he said he doesn’t want me to get sick or die early, he plans a future with us together travelling etc. he shows me affection etc at the beginning I felt really loved but now I just feel hurt and confused! It’s really bothering me at the minute and is now affecting how I feel in the relationship. I feel really tearful as I don’t feel loved after all of his comments.

OP posts:

MuckyPlucky · 08/12/2023 12:24

Similar issue here too OP. Talked of love & marriage for the first 3 months, and from then on if I ever mention hypothetically the idea of marriage there’s an exaggerated shudder/eye roll.

Crushed me every time. I don’t even know if I’d want to get married (certainly not any time soon) but I don’t want to make someone actively snort with derision at the merest suggestion of marrying me, because that feels offensive and hurtful.

Totally get where you’re coming from OP. It’s eroded my self-worth and brings me great sorrow. Sorry no advice, just hugs 💐 x

tattygrl · 08/12/2023 12:25

readymealeater · 08/12/2023 12:15

Could he be ND?

"A ND is going to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly, and will do it without malice, without sly intentions.
They’ll just tell you what they think. Like it, or not. So, one good reason to love a Neurodivergent is that if they tell you something when you ask them, they mean it.
And sometimes ND’s don’t understand that NT’s like to hear some truths over and over like “I love you.” Just tell them. Say “I want you to tell me you love me at least three times every day. It makes me happy to hear it.” Okay. No sweat. Your ND will probably have no idea why it is necessary, but if it makes you happy, fine. He or she will work it into their daily routine."

Neurodivergents and Love: Five Good Reasons to Embrace Neurodiversity (couplestherapyinc.com)

Show quote history

I'm autistic and ADHD, and so is my long term partner, and we tell each other we love each other all the time, with lots of enthusiasm and affection.

That article may well be true for some ND people, but I take issue with the blanket statements it makes. Love is a feeling many of us ND people fully feel and understand, and wish to make sure our loved ones feel from us.

""A ND is going to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly, and will do it without malice, without sly intentions.
They’ll just tell you what they think. Like it, or not."

This couldn't be further from the truth for me! Not that I'm a liar (I struggle to lie), but I am always extremely careful about how I phrase and express things. My partner also is very emotionally intelligent and careful with how he treats people.

All of this to say, yes, perhaps OPs partner is ND, but these blanket statements are categorically not true for all ND people and it's not helpful to have neurodiversity offered as a possibility every time someone behaves poorly. Poor behaviour is as much the domain of NT people as ND people.

Nicole1111 · 08/12/2023 12:26

The question you really need to be asking is can this man meet my emotional needs and make me feel secure? If you’ve communicated what those needs are and he’s ignoring it that might answer your question.

Original poster

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:28

@MuckyPlucky im sorry to hear you are feeling similar 🤗 it’s not a good feeling is it.

OP posts:

SirChenjins · 08/12/2023 12:30

Oh gosh - your update puts a whole different perspective on things ☹️. If it’s not right for you - and I don’t blame you, these things he’s said are really harsh - then please don’t settle.