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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

130 replies

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:40

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years.

We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

OP posts:
youngones1 · 11/12/2023 07:35

Elefant1 · 10/12/2023 21:13

It sounds like you are just incompatible. I am probably the female version of your partner, if someone asks if me and my DP of 10 years are going to move in together my response is "No way, we would kill each other!". I am no good at emotional support it's just not how I am, however if someone needs practical help I am there. I am lucky enough to have a DP who is very similar in this respect so it works for us.
You two seem to have very different ideas on how a relationship should be so possibly you are not right for eachother.

This is the best arrangement for most couples post children, if you can afford it.

Codlingmoths · 11/12/2023 07:49

He’s pretty busy saying it’s not me it’s you and all other women too isn’t he? I’d pull out of the next party, say a few hours beforehand I have been clear that I really felt humiliated and totally unloved when you shouted hell no when people asked us about getting married. You are clear that you think it’s fine, which is the same as saying you don’t care how it makes me feel. All I can do is make sure I’m not in that scenario again, so I won’t be going to the party tonight. I might go out on my own or with friends. Anyway, I’m not coming out wiht you.

DateXY · 11/12/2023 09:35

@Fatatforty Stop being intimate with him - why on earth be intimate when he's being so horrible to you and clearly doesnt see you as someone he wants to commit to, yet he's happy to use you as a psuedo wife and still have all the benefits of marriage!

You're incompatible, end things. You'll find someone else will value you the way you deserve.

justagirl13 · 12/12/2023 12:11

@Fatatforty I see that this situation was good. Often, we are with someone and don't realise their true intentions. Him saying that serves as a warning for what you want from your relationship, what you want for yourself.

I'm in a similar situation. I got engaged last year and we started living together to see how it would be. Our relationship was amazing. I intended not to marry due to finance situations (assets, pension, tax). However, in a recent meeting at my son's school, when asked if he was the father of my child (who has a great father, thank God), my 'fiancé' replied that he was not the father and that we were not married, just living together.

Despite being comfortable with the situation and having already ruled out marriage, this situation made me feel really bad. We talked, and he said he just wanted to clarify that he wasn't the legal guardian of my child. Ok, I am not wearing my engagement ring anymore.

Well, now he's blackmailing me, saying that if I don't resolve some issues, he won't take the next step, which is marriage. He wants my dog to no longer sleep inside but in the backyard, and he doesn't want my mother to live with us or stay for more than a month.

When I told him that I'll address the issue by leaving. He said we can continue as it is, but we won't get married. As if I were desperate to get married.

I tell you, it was great that he spoke openly about it. He helped me decide to leave him and seek what I truly deserve.

I shared this because even when we are comfortable with a situation, like dating, for example, if the person we're with expresses opposition, we can feel unappreciated and undervalued.

Moreover, when someone asks us when we're getting married, I say we're still in the testing phase, and I don't know if he'll progress to the next stage.

Desertislandparadise · 27/06/2024 15:09

It sounds quite straight forward to me. You don't feel safe and loved in your relationship anymore. You have talked to him and made requests, and he point blank refuses to make even small changes (not saying "hell no" is a tiny request!). This shows your are not compatible and there is no hope for change in the future.

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