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Original poster

Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

130 replies

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:40

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years.

We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 08/12/2023 16:26

I don't blame him for not wanting to get married again in his 40s and with kids. I wouldn't ever marry again or even live with someone again having been through a terrible divorce which fucked me financially and the horrors of blended families, no matter how much I loved a bloke.

I agree it's insensitive of him to answer like that but it's an awkward situation. How would you want him to respond?

DidiAskYouThough · 08/12/2023 16:28

@Cupcakekiller he has never been married

Cupcakekiller · 08/12/2023 16:30

Just read the updates (should've read them first) and he sounds like an arse. I retract my previous post.

Bales23 · 08/12/2023 16:31

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:10

He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I’m too sensitive.

We we’re watching a tv show where the male character said he didn’t believe in love it’s just a made up thing for marketing purposes with all the hearts and flowers or something like that, and my partner said here here! I said what you don’t believe in love and he said no. So I replied so you don’t love me and he said no and you don’t love me either. Loves a made up word. I care for you, respect you, lust you etc. but what even is love? I was so upset for the whole weekend, I still am to be honest. I asked him why he told me he loved me then when we were first together and he said because that’s what I wanted to hear. Which wasn’t true as I didn’t love him at the stage (a few months in) and had never said if to him.

I just feel sad at the moment. He said I’m being childish and to grow up and this is real life and I live in fairy tale land.

Reminds me of the famous "whatever love means" line by our SO ..NOT..noble king. But I doubt he'd say that about Camilla now, as he loves that one.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2023 16:41

He’s hurting you, deliberately.

Dump him. He doesn’t love you and he’s shoving your face in it. What a hateful prick.

category12 · 08/12/2023 16:48

I think the early love yous etc were to hook you in. Now he feels he's "got" you, the disrespect and negativity is coming into the open. He's dropping the mask.

He seems like a mean guy.

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 16:50

What I would do when he made the “hell no” comment would be look at the shocked person we were talking to and say: “this is awkward, isn’t it? Embarrassing? He’s just told you how horrified he is at the idea of marrying me.”

Given that the person had poked their nose into your business to begin with (quite an intrusive question to ask strangers, I think, “any plans to get married?”), you could make use of them and drag them all the way in, see how they react to the cold hard facts of this uncomfortable situation, so your partner can see how it strikes an objective observer.

Could be an easy way to end the relationship!

MuckyPlucky · 08/12/2023 16:57

Minglingpringle · 08/12/2023 16:50

What I would do when he made the “hell no” comment would be look at the shocked person we were talking to and say: “this is awkward, isn’t it? Embarrassing? He’s just told you how horrified he is at the idea of marrying me.”

Given that the person had poked their nose into your business to begin with (quite an intrusive question to ask strangers, I think, “any plans to get married?”), you could make use of them and drag them all the way in, see how they react to the cold hard facts of this uncomfortable situation, so your partner can see how it strikes an objective observer.

Could be an easy way to end the relationship!

Actually, this is amazing advice! I’d definitely do this if faced with the golden opportunity such as an outsider forcing the issue. Unfortunately no one ever asks me & (avoidant) DP this question which means I don’t get to use this!

Maray1967 · 08/12/2023 17:15

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:23

He does show he cares for me in other ways, he tries to make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy as he said he doesn’t want me to get sick or die early, he plans a future with us together travelling etc. he shows me affection etc at the beginning I felt really loved but now I just feel hurt and confused! It’s really bothering me at the minute and is now affecting how I feel in the relationship. I feel really tearful as I don’t feel loved after all of his comments.

I care for my Dad like that - he’s not my partner though.

I’d make sure you have a drink in your hand next time and if he says that again I’d chuck it in his face and it would be over.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 08/12/2023 17:57

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2023 16:41

He’s hurting you, deliberately.

Dump him. He doesn’t love you and he’s shoving your face in it. What a hateful prick.

This.

If it were me, I would go with:

"Now you have revealed every time you said you love me, you meant nothing of the sort and thought it was just a phrase I needed to hear, I feel not only patronised, but lied too. I hear your views on the concept of love, but they do not reflect mine, and until recently you have deliberately mislead me on that. My views will not change. You've made yours very clear. I'm ending this relationship."

jsku · 08/12/2023 18:28

@Fatatforty

I am female and divorced. My divorce was traumatic and most difficult thing i’ve gone through. And i am with him on ‘hell no’.
It had nothing to do with how i feel about my partner. I have kids and assets to protect.
And - at my age - i don’t need to be married to prove anything to anyone or myself.
It does not mean that i don’t feel or don’t think myself as committed.
It means that for me - marriage is not some romantic notion - but a contract that deals with assets. As I know that marriage is not a guarantee feelings or happiness.

Many of my divorced friends feel the same. It is somewhat surprising reading your comments as you have also been there.

I also share some of his sentiment about ‘love’. Don’t really use the word and people tend to put different meanings to it.
I am a little less blunt than him and usually don’t get into brutal honesty like he did.
I think - the way he was initially is understandable. Early in the relationships we often try to mould ourselves to what our partners want us to be.
My parter, like you - is more romantic. Likes words of affirmation and (superficial in my mind) things like cards.
I probably did more of it at the beginning, but eventually people tend to revert back to what they are.
To me - superficial words don’t matter.
Words are easy and take no effort.
To me care and thinking about the other person on an ongoing basis makes me feel loved and cared for.

And this is also how I express how I feel about someone.

You sound down and unhappy. It may be that you two have different ‘love languages’ .
It is also possible your life experiences have shaped you both.
But - if you really need a more romantic type of partner - you need to leave. He can’t be that.

and FWIW - i do think he loves you in the ay he can love

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 19:41

If he believes in the things he is saying then he must be a thicko to believe that a woman is going to be impressed and want to stay with him.

Why doesn't he have the brains to keep his trap shut and enjoy with you what seems a good arrangement between the pair of you.

He has now planted the seeds of doubt in your mind.

He's an ignoramus and that alone would put me right off him.

Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:08

@ChateauDuMont oh wow I was just thinking this! That how can he think any woman would be happy with this? I even said when he mentioned the love comment that if they were his beliefs it would have been better keeping that to himself as now it’s massively affected me. I even cried for 24 hours and couldn’t sleep after that comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:12

@jsku thats really interesting thank you. That’s probably the way he would explain it. And my friend who I convinced him said she thinks he loves me from the way he acts towards me but just doesn’t like to be vulnerable. He is also the same with cards he has never sent me one so that’s interesting. Thank you, your words have given me some comfort. I do wish he would have kept his thoughts to himself though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:13

*friend who I confided in, that should say

OP posts:
Cas112 · 08/12/2023 20:22

Yes I'd go with a laugh and a rather keep my options open

Bet he won't like that

Sorchamarie · 08/12/2023 20:22

Does he also say he doesn't love his children???? Sorry OP. I think staying with this extremely emotionally stunted (and really rather cruel since he clearly doesn't care how much he's hurting you) man is going to be really really bad for your mental health. I honestly think you should end things. Best of luck.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 08/12/2023 20:38

Does he love his children?

Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:40

@Sorchamarie i did ask him if he loved his children and he said of course he did and that’s an unconditional love which is different. I do get that as I love my children in a totally different way to a relationship partner. Even when I was with their dad. Nothing comes close to the love of children. So he said that’s what love is, not a relationship. He said he feels bonded to me and cares about me.

OP posts:
SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 08/12/2023 20:43

Have you told him bonded and care isn’t enough

Ardith · 08/12/2023 20:45

The first time he did it is forgiveable as a tasteless joke, but once you’ve told him that it upsets you, he should apologise ans stop doing it. There are many other things he can say like “we’re very happy with our current life” or just say nothing.

If he keeps doing something that he knows upsets you then he is a real dick you probably shouldn’t depend on.

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 20:46

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:08

@ChateauDuMont oh wow I was just thinking this! That how can he think any woman would be happy with this? I even said when he mentioned the love comment that if they were his beliefs it would have been better keeping that to himself as now it’s massively affected me. I even cried for 24 hours and couldn’t sleep after that comment.

You didn’t break up with him, though. He doesn’t seem particularly fussed about you being happy, but is confident you won’t leave him. And, thus far, he’s been right.

Rocksonabeach · 08/12/2023 20:47

Oh my god so he lied and lead you down the garden path acting and it was totally lies was it?

he sounds like a poor excuse for a human being

i would want to be loved and cherished and to be honest he just said it to get laid and fuck you didn’t he. You are a big girl - why is he controlling what you eat or how healthy you are? You can do that yourself.

if after 6 months a partner doesn’t know if they love you - they don’t

if I got involved with someone later on later that commitment is needed

you like your co workers
you lust after someone for sed

your love ❤️ is just that love connected, bonded and emotionally tied

he isn’t

I’m so sorry he is class one wedge hole and my first ltb on here

Noicant · 08/12/2023 20:48

None of this is behaving in a loving way tbh OP.

BackAgainstWall · 08/12/2023 20:53

That comment is a complete relationship stopper.

How tactless of him and how utterly humiliating for you.

You can’t erase that from your mind and you’ll never feel loved and secure with this man now.

He’s got you exactly where he wants you now.

Did you move in with him or did he move in with you?