Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

130 replies

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:40

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years.

We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 08/12/2023 13:00

This isn't someone who is in it for the long haul, whether you call that long haul marriage or not.

This man is telling you who he is with every breath. You know what can also tell you to get enough sleep and eat healthy? Apps on your phone. He can literally be replaced by an app.

Also - why are you with someone YOU didn't love a few months in? That's not a recipe for success either.

tuvamoodyson · 08/12/2023 13:02

youngones1 · 08/12/2023 12:31

He's probably had a horrendous divorce and had to give loads of money to his ex, so definitely does not want to get married again. You need to decide if you are 100% happy to not get married, and then when people pry, show your support for him.

Show quote history

He’s never been married…

NannyGythaOgg · 08/12/2023 13:03

Don't try to beat him to it. Wait until he says it and respond with 'I've turned him down 4 times, I think he's finally got the message'.

He won't like it, he'll look (even more of) a dick if he denies it. I suspect it won't happen more than once - twice at the most.

Pashazade · 08/12/2023 13:03

Problem is he's refused to adjust his behaviours and etc the fact that he's upsetting you. Throw him back!

Random30 · 08/12/2023 13:05

prettygreenteacup · 08/12/2023 12:14

OP he is gaslighting you big time, clearly doesn't love you and has no respect for you. You say you want someone to like you enough to marry you. You marry when you're in love, not just liking someone. Leave this loser and find someone who adores you and isn't afraid to show it!

Yes this, he is causing upset, deliberately at this stage, and shoving the blame to you.

I would take the view it isn’t you being over sensitive it is him riding roughshod over you and your feelings. He doesn’t really care about you, because he is too absorbed with himself.

WimpoleHat · 08/12/2023 13:09

Say “God - no. I’m still hoping to meet someone hot and rich. Definitely keeping my options open.” And see how he likes that.

Seriously, though - as others have said - this does not sound great at all and I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2023 13:13

Oh op, I was going to say that I have had a similar reaction when marriage is mentioned to me and my dp of 4.5 years because I had a heartbreaking divorce from my dc's father and I am too terrified to ever entangle my life that much with anyone else again. My dp would marry me tomorrow.

Your updates are even worse though. I may not want to get married again but I tell my dp that I love him all the time (and do love him) and hug, do nice things, etc. He also moved in recently so I hope he knows I am serious about us, despite the marriage thing.

Your partner sounds cold and uncaring and I would question why he even wants to be in a relationship with you and vice versa. If he is that bitter about life and love then he is better off alone in his own misery instead of dragging you down with him. You deserve to be loved and feel loved op.

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2023 13:13

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 12:23

He does show he cares for me in other ways, he tries to make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy as he said he doesn’t want me to get sick or die early, he plans a future with us together travelling etc. he shows me affection etc at the beginning I felt really loved but now I just feel hurt and confused! It’s really bothering me at the minute and is now affecting how I feel in the relationship. I feel really tearful as I don’t feel loved after all of his comments.

You ate mistaking care for his girlfriend appliance for actual care. He is directly telling you that he will constrain you now (eating, sleeping, etc…) to keep you in good trim so he doesn’t have to delay travel and holidays because you are sick or old/decrepit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2023 13:27

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2023 13:13

You ate mistaking care for his girlfriend appliance for actual care. He is directly telling you that he will constrain you now (eating, sleeping, etc…) to keep you in good trim so he doesn’t have to delay travel and holidays because you are sick or old/decrepit.

Show quote history

Sadly this struck me in exactly the same way - that caring for the OP is for his own convenience, not for her wellbeing. He's not planning "a future with us together", he's planning a future for himself which involves OP as a travelling companion because hey, travelling alone sucks and OP will doSad.

Sorry to be so brutal @Fatatforty. But I think brutality is called for here, rather than holding out false hope. After 3 years, his mask is well and truly off. He's said outright that he doesn't love you, I don't really see any sign that he likes you (otherwise he would have stopped saying hurtful things when you pointed out you were hurt by his words), so that only leaves that he tolerates you because of what you bring to the table - sex, money, domestic labour, future travelling companion, etc.

This is not a healthy relationship. He is a user, and he is using you. I personally would be extricating myself ASAP.

MrsJellybee · 08/12/2023 13:43

He said he used to say to her what is love anyway…

Is that you, Your Majesty?

Seriously, though, men who throw this so-called philosophical question around are walking red flags. It’s as if they think they are smarter than those other schmucks who have fallen for some Hallmark narrative and been trapped into marriage by ‘Er Indoors’. I actually think it’s a form of control and bullying. They set it up as philosophy, but really it’s a thinly-veiled attempt at keeping you in your place. ‘Love’ to them is sissiness and vulnerability. And these men will not be seen as vulnerable, nosiree! To love you is to be weak. And they are not this. Except, in fact, they are. Very weak.

Walk away.

MuckyPlucky · 08/12/2023 13:54

I also think you have not told anyone about him perhaps out of sheer embarrassment that you've (again) chosen such a man really poorly. Such thrives on secrecy though. time to bust this wide open.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - what do you mean by I’ve (again) chosen a man really poorly???!!! What on earth do you know about my choice of first marriage?! If you’d like to know: my first DH became disabled and we struggled to stay together. He’s a good man & we’re still close. I don’t have a record of “choosing poorly” - how dare you?!

Victim-blaming at its best.

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 13:58

DidiAskYouThough · 08/12/2023 12:52

@Wishihadanalgorithm OP said the boyfriends good aspects are ‘he tries to make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy’ ….
No need to be sad, OP. Believe his shouts. Penis is abundant and of low value. He’s zero loss.

Please don’t write that, mumsnet was deleting it, I know people think irs cool, but if the genders were reversed there would be an outcry, she is with him for more than his penis, and if you can’t grasp that, you prob shouldn’t be commenting.

StopStartStop · 08/12/2023 14:02

Of course you feel like crying. It's a horrible situation.
But...
You've spotted it and you know what to do.

He is abusing you. Belittling you in front of other people. Saying he doesn't love you. He said we know the truth that he does like me so that’s all that matters. No, it isn't. What matters is that he should treat you with respect at all times, and be on your side. He doesn't. He isn't.

Time to let this one go. You know it. Don't listen to his excuses. He's shown you who he is - believe him.

PickleSmith · 08/12/2023 14:04

Oh come on now woman! Pick yourself up and just tell him to fuck off

If he says you're being too sensitive, agree that yes you are now there's the door fuckwit

You won't win here and all you're doing right now is yourself a disservice

PickleSmith · 08/12/2023 14:05

Man behaves like shit to his partner and woman fall I've themselves to excuse his behaviour as being neuro diverse

You couldn't make it up

wudubelieveit · 08/12/2023 14:09

OP@Fatatforty are you in love with him still? I feel really sad that you may be settling for someone who doesn’t love you, you might be together for the next 50 yrs so if you want to love and be loved by someone maybe it’s time to move on?

tara66 · 08/12/2023 14:11

And who said romance was dead? What a charmer!

AllGoneToPott · 08/12/2023 14:19

He sounds very emotionally unavailable. It's really hard to be around people like this because all they ever do is disappoint you. You need to have zero expectations not to get hurt. It's no way to live. Their attitude is always take me or leave me, never willing to change.
There are some decent romantic men out there, who would appreciate you so much more. I would rather be on my own than keep knocking on a closed door.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/12/2023 14:21

Did you find that once you wrote it all down it was clear what you had to do?

What is your home situation like? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Who moved in with whom?

LadyBird1973 · 08/12/2023 14:24

When someone tells you that you are over sensitive, what that translates as, is you are the right amount of sensitive and they are being a dick!

It's totally normal to have your reaction to what he's saying and doing - there's nothing wrong with your reaction or feelings at all.

liverpoolgal82 · 08/12/2023 14:38

For some people when they meet someone they fall fast and hard and get limerance - they adore you and think it’s fate etc… some can love bomb and want to move fast. Limerance wears after 3 years however and a relationship will either end as they then feel the opposite or by then a love and commitment has developed and it continues with the same niceness and loveliness. I’m always weary of love bombers and fast fallers as it could be limerance which will wear off. More healthy to fall in love steady and slow for the long run and then it’s consistent with the actions and declarations.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2023 14:46

@Fatatforty

You know, we had a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship. His wife 'took very good care of him', too. Healthy food, exercise, worried over his health. At one point when I mentioned it to her she let slip "Well of course, he needs to stay healthy so he can take care of me in my old age". Selfish to the bone.

This man doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved. At most you're a convenience, someone who fills his needs. You deserve more.

isittimetoflounceyet · 08/12/2023 15:07

He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I'm too sensitive....

I bet he doesn't speak his mind at work and tell his boss what he really thinks of him.

He said I'm being childish and to grow up and this is real life and I live in fairy tale land.

You are not being childish at all, all you want is for him to be pleasant rather than say hurtful things to you. Real life is not telling it like it is no matter how much you might offend or upset other people.

Perhaps you need to start speaking your mind too. Next time he says "Hell no", you can respond with "Thank Christ for that!".

DidiAskYouThough · 08/12/2023 16:24

@Cosywintertime I cannot fathom what she is with him for. She can raise her standards and stop allowing this crap man to make her miserable. There are literally billions of other males available. Is obviously what my comment meant.

DidiAskYouThough · 08/12/2023 16:26

@MuckyPlucky

Swipe left for the next trending thread