Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

[Fatatforty]

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years.

We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

He's probably had a horrendous divorce and had to give loads of money to his ex, so definitely does not want to get married again. You need to decide if you are 100% happy to not get married, and then when people pry, show your support for him.

@Nicole1111 he has even said to me if I want a man who says I love you, buys flowers etc then he’s not the right man for me. He’s just so matter of fact about it.

When I first met him, well about 6 months in he used to say I love you all the time, and said he is surprising himself as he doesn’t usually say that to people, and that his last long term partner said he was emotionally unavailable. He said he used to say to her what is love anyway! But now he’s saying that to me!! It’s like he has just changed! I guess it’s been a gradual thing but it’s getting worse.

Yes it’s horrid, isn’t it? I’m sorry you’re going through it too. I suppose in a way it’s a comfort to know we’re both in this situation?

I struggle with not feeling able to tell anyone IRL - for fear they’ll judge him harshly or judge the relationship, without understanding the nuance. Also - they’re all still married (I was the first to get divorced) so it’s very different for them. I bet you feel like that too? It’s good we’ve both got an ally in this tho now!

OMG! Are you going out with my DP??? I could’ve written this EXACT post, word-for-word 😵‍💫

This is very unpleasant and childish behaviour.

Find someone who properly likes you - your current boyfriend seems to enjoy upsetting you with his crass comments.

go to the next wedding without him (or let him go alone if they're his friends) and work on managing him out of your life.

I would also change your user name to something more complementary befitting your appearance rather than just merely parroting his view of you.

re your comment
"He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I’m too sensitive".

Ah the old, "I am being honest" sthick. He is rude and ungracious; what on earth are you doing with him. At three years in the mask has really come off. This man has no intention whatsoever of marrying you. What do your children think of him; although they like seeing you happy they probably cannot abide him either and for good reason. Raise your bar and you can start this process by binning this oaf.

@MuckyPlucky i feel that maybe at the beginning he was in lust but now that honeymoon period has gone I keep thinking he doesn’t feel the same about me. But he is always talking about our future in terms of travelling etc. It’s really confusing.

Its hard isn’t it when you just want someone to give you a hug and tell you how much they love you.

I think you have your honest answer. He doesn’t love you and doesn’t wish to marry you. Only you can decide if that’s enough for you.

if I’m completely honest I have a male friend who was with a woman for 2 years. He didn’t love her, or want to marry her, he said it was the abundant sex, and he didn’t mind her company, something to do of a weekend basically. I felt Really bad for her, as it was clear she thought it was a proper relationship and we all knew he didn’t. She was proper in love.

Although he was very caring when with her. But He was just stringing her along. We all got on his case about it. So he then suddenly dumped her. Said he knew he should. met someone else very quickly after and is now happy.

I think it’s a cautionary tale. If he’s told you, then listen. Don’t wait till he ends it.

@MuckyPlucky oh wow that is spooky hopefully it’s not the same person 😂😂

Well this relationship appears to have run its course. He managed to stay nice for a couple of years with the 'I love you's etc. but now you're getting the real him and he does not sound very appealing.

Personally I'd dump him - better alone than badly accompanied.

"I struggle with not feeling able to tell anyone IRL - for fear they’ll judge him harshly or judge the relationship, without understanding the nuance".

What nuance?. This man is coming off badly here however you slice it.

You do not go around doing this to him and there is no justification for his words. He does not care what you think or feel.

I also think you have not told anyone about him perhaps out of sheer embarrassment that you've (again) chosen such a man really poorly. Such thrives on secrecy though. time to bust this wide open.

@Cosywintertime that’s the odd thing. He used to tell friends it was fate we met and I was the woman he had been waiting for (he had been single a few years and refused to commit to anyone in that time). I don’t know where it all went wrong. Maybe he’s just realised I’m not the one for him. Maybe living together has done that, the love goggles have come off.

He's also future faking you with all this talk about travelling. He likely has no intention of doing that with you either.

If it were at my wedding he was mouthing off like this I would be pretty peed off. Mannerless moron.

@AttilaTheMeerkat we have done two shorter trips this year as practise and he’s already booked a month long trip for us next year. As I’m not ready to go off for a year yet as my children are teenagers, so I said not yet so he’s trying to build it up in stages. We had an amazing time while away. But since we got back, only a week actually, he made the not loving me comment. He said he’s feelings haven’t changed and he asked me what I thought love was, and I said to care deeply for someone, so he said in that case he does love me with my definition of love but he doesn’t agree with that word. I find that upsetting after 3 years of being told I’m loved. He also still says love you when he hangs the phone up because he said it’s what I want to hear, but again he started that not me, I actually find it annoying having to say that every time I go off the phone, especially as I know he doesn’t mean it now.

@youngones1 OP wrote the man has never been married.

No bloke on earth is worth this sadness and utter humiliation. Shouting at three different weddings ‘hell no!’ has me cringing for you. Just dump him with the same amount of intellect and care he shows you.

I think if your relationship has devolved to the point where you are both deliberately embarrassing and humiliating each other, it's already over.

What’s good about this relationship, OP?

Time to weigh up the good v bad.

It's unbelievably childish and selfish for a grown man to say (paraphrase) "If you want love and romance I'm not the man for you".

It's lazy and disrespectful too.
He's saying he isn't bothered.

In the words of Madonna (🤣 I kno I know..) "Love is a doing word".
You show affection and show love through things like gifts or compliments. You say "I love you" as an act of commitment, affection and respect, to let the person know you care about them.

You don't just go "Naaah, not doing that, sod
that".
I wouldn't put up with that myself.

I just feel like bursting into tears. I feel so sad 😞

@Wishihadanalgorithm OP said the boyfriends good aspects are ‘he tries to make sure I get enough sleep, eat healthy’ ….
No need to be sad, OP. Believe his shouts. Penis is abundant and of low value. He’s zero loss.

He says quite a few things that I find upsetting to be honest. He said he just speaks his mind and that I’m too sensitive
he is always talking about our future in terms of travelling etc. It’s really confusing
his last long term partner said he was emotionally unavailable. ... it’s been a gradual thing but it’s getting worse.

He thinks he has you hooked and now he has started to manage your expectations. At the same time he is throwing you crumbs about an imagined future to try and keep you on board. You probably have a lot of practical use for him - sex, companionship, housework...

His previous partner had his number. Now it's getting worse - and it won't get any better. Are you prepared to go on like this?

It's sad, but he is not worth your anguish. I bet you'll feel better about yourself once you give him his marching orders.

Such men always behave better on holiday because the pressure of daily life is off them.

I certainly would not go away for a month with him next year. You and he need to be over before then. He is indeed saying he is not bothered and I would also think your children have picked up on those vibes from him as well.

Read the article Mr Emotionally Unavailable and the FallBack Girl.

Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

This is horrible OP. You deserve someone who loves you, not just respects, cares and feels lust for you! I have friends I feel like that about, but I would not want to be with them romantically.

By the way, I'm someone who kinda believes the "there is no such thing as love" line - what I mean by that is, as I understand it, the concept of romantic love that we have in our society is imperfect. It doesn't include all the ways mutual affection evolves and paints an unrealistic picture of what a long term partnership looks like. But there is no way that I would ever tell someone that I only said I love them because that's what they wanted to hear!! The feeling isn't a word or a concept, it's a real feeling that many of us have experienced. If he hasn't experienced it at all then he hasn't experienced it with you, and you need to chuck him back.