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Original poster

Extreme Reaction when asked about marriage

130 replies

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 11:40

Hi, I am having some problems with my partner. Both 40 plus, both have children with our previous partners. Been together 3 years.

We have attended quite a few weddings lately and a few people have joked oh it will be you two next. I just give a polite smile but my partners reaction is upsetting me. He shouts “hell no!” This has happened 3 times now. I’m not upset that he doesn’t want to get married, to be honest I have my hesitations because I have children and the financial implications in the future with inheritance etc. but it’s his reaction to the question that’s upsetting me. I find it embarrassing. I’ve told him this but he said he’s just being honest. I think he sounds like he hates me when he responds like that and the other people look shocked. Can anyone help me think of a witty reply for next time it happens. I’ve thought of saying don’t worry I’m not interested either, but wondered if there is anything better I could say if anyone else asks this and he gives the hell no reaction to them. It’s actually quite upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 21:29

@BackAgainstWall thats where I’m confused because I think he does think that, but in reality I’m now questioning everything and there’s a horrible tension between us. It’s even affecting how I feel during intimacy it’s just not the same.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 21:41

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 21:29

@BackAgainstWall thats where I’m confused because I think he does think that, but in reality I’m now questioning everything and there’s a horrible tension between us. It’s even affecting how I feel during intimacy it’s just not the same.

I'm surprised you can be intimate.

My view on marriage is "hell no" but if asked in front of a partner, you don't say that, it's rude.

The love thing would annoy me too. He should have told you that was his view as well.

I do understand the Charles "whatever love means" thing but again, you don't say it in public. Or national TV.

But he should have told you that view. He knew you'd run a mile if he explained that view, you're presumably not up for dating Lilith Crane or Leonard's mum in the Big Bang Theory.

We've all got different views of what love is, but dang, he lied and is rude to you. Sorry but that would be it for me.

Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 21:50

@EmmaEmerald yes that’s the thing he lied to me and put on an act. And now it feels like I’m with a stranger, he has changed so much. He’s not the person I fell in love with.

OP posts:
Harvestfestivalknickers · 08/12/2023 21:53

I'd start to pull away from him and see how he responds, does he enjoy having the upper hand? Before he starts with his 'hell no' next time someone comments you'll be next to get married, get in first with 'oh no, I haven't met the right man yet'

MuckyPlucky · 08/12/2023 22:02

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 21:50

@EmmaEmerald yes that’s the thing he lied to me and put on an act. And now it feels like I’m with a stranger, he has changed so much. He’s not the person I fell in love with.

Really could’ve written this too. Our situations are unbelievably parallel. Feels like I’m with a stranger compared to how he was in the first few months. It’s very unnerving isn’t it?!

Original poster
Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 22:15

@Harvestfestivalknickers to be honest I’ve felt myself pulling away the last few days, I guess it’s self protection. @MuckyPlucky its crazy how similar the circumstances are it sounds like the same man.

OP posts:
Popcorn23 · 08/12/2023 23:02

He sounds really unkind. He seems to think he can say what he wants and you will just accept it. If this is a recent change in him, do you know what might be causing it? For example, has he made any new friends who are disrespectful towards their partners? Or has been listening to any 'alpha male' nonsense online?

Either way, you are not being sensitive, he just sounds unpleasant.

RantyAnty · 09/12/2023 00:31

He does sound very insincere and mean.
He's admitted several times lying to you saying what he thought you want to hear.

He just sounds like a garden variety user. I guess he enjoys the wife type benefits he gets from you and isn't turning any of them down?

RandomForest · 09/12/2023 01:02

Tell him you don't believe in sex and you were only doing it with him to shut him up.

What a cruel shit he is, totally intentional, fed you what you 'wanted' to hear just so he could get the benefits.

He's a horrible person.
Believe that.

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 13:51

He sounds really awful.

Unkind and a bit nasty.

Abusive people tell victims they are "too sensitive".

I think you are seeing the ugly truth of him.

This is not someone to want to marry.

You are feeling sad and tearful because your gut is warning you that this is not a good man.

Detaching and making plans to extract yourself.

Do not waste your future on an insecure nasty little man.

Certainly stop having sex with him.

He sounds odious.

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 13:55

Also OP, your boundaries sound very weak.

He repeatedly said Hell no and you accept such rudeness and being public humiliated?

Why?

People were shocked and probably correctly think he is a nasty prick and wonder at you tolerating it?

Why would you continue to have sex with such a nasty mean liar?

Why would you have him near your children?

perfectcolourfound · 09/12/2023 15:04

He is deliberatly hurting you, putting you in your place.
He is messing with your head. He knows what he's saying will be upsetting but he keeps saying it.
He deliberately embasrreses you at weddings. He could just smile or say 'it isn't for us' but he shouts Hell No, knowing it bothers you (very reasonably).
He tells you that you're being 'over-sensitive' when you are just responding perfectly understanably to his crass, immature, uncaring behaviour.

He will get worse, not better. You've had the best of him. This is him showing you who he is.

I don't know how you can still be intimate with him. I don't know how you can feel obliged to say 'love you' after phone calls. (Think what he's doing there - he's making sure to remind you, after every phone call that he DOESN'T love you. He's told you he doesn't mean it and he's saying it just to please you. Anyone with an OUNCE of care and intelligence wouldn't say it at all, but he's making sure to say it, knowing you know he doesn't mean it, and - worse- that you'll feel obliged to say it back. KNowing you mean it. It gives him a power over you every single time.

Seriously, I'd leave him, and quickly. He isn't right for you, but worse than that, he's enjoying hurting you.

BrimfulOfMash · 09/12/2023 15:14

Plenty of people feel ‘he’ll no’ about marriage per se, especially when you already have children with a previous partner and are not planning more. I would feel ‘he’ll no’ and it wouldn’t be anything about my partner, not at all.

But he should be sensitive to your feelings.

Meanwhile, NO ONE should ever make this stupid ‘joke’ to people. About marriage or having kids. Intrusive, insensitive and moronic. IMO.

OkayScooby · 09/12/2023 16:39

I do understand the Charles "whatever love means" thing but again, you don't say it in public.

Point is, he said that when asked about someone he didn't love.

Clues are there, but men will try to put up just for an easier life. At least until they get a better option.

Original poster
Fatatforty · 09/12/2023 16:47

I think he did think I was the better option when we met, he fought so hard for us to be together. I was happy with friends with benefits. But after a while he’s become less loving. I’ve spoken to him about it this morning and he just said that’s how he is and he has this issue in every relationship as women have high expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatatforty · 09/12/2023 16:47

He said he’s not an emotional guy and he says what he thinks and maybe that’s not right for me.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 09/12/2023 16:58

he just said that’s how he is and he has this issue in every relationship as women have high expectations.
.... maybe that’s not right for (you)?

No maybe about it. What's stopping you from asserting your boundaries? He is a misogynistic prick and I am puzzled why you are still with him...

category12 · 09/12/2023 17:41

Fatatforty · 09/12/2023 16:47

I think he did think I was the better option when we met, he fought so hard for us to be together. I was happy with friends with benefits. But after a while he’s become less loving. I’ve spoken to him about it this morning and he just said that’s how he is and he has this issue in every relationship as women have high expectations.

Huh. Sounds like he wants the power dynamic to be you the beggar and him the king. He didn't like when it was FWB because you weren't that fussed, so he went all out to win you over.

Now he's gone cold.

he has this issue in every relationship
I bet he bloody does. It's not women in general or you that's the problem. It's him.

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 18:53

Thats right: he has that issue in every relationship because he treats each woman like an interchangeable tool. And they don’t like that because they want to be in an actual relationship with someone who cares for them personally, not as some kind of a commodity like a pork belly or oil.

LadyBird1973 · 09/12/2023 19:19

He doesn't care that his behaviour upsets you. And he's basically said 'tough luck, not changing it on your account'.
That's no good in a relationship.
And if this has happened in every relationship he's had, it's clear the problem is with him and not with you!
You deserve the chance to meet a kinder man.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 21:13

Fatatforty · 09/12/2023 16:47

He said he’s not an emotional guy and he says what he thinks and maybe that’s not right for me.

Well he's right there, isn't he? You want more than he'll ever be willing to give you. Plus sounds to me as if he's a 'one foot out the door' fella. That kind can never totally commit and when things go tits up they say "I told you how I am, why are you surprised now?".

You deserve someone who wants to be 'all in' with you. That doesn't mean marriage if that's not what you want. It means someone who is 100% committed to your relationship and doesn't care who knows it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/12/2023 12:45

Fatatforty · 09/12/2023 16:47

I think he did think I was the better option when we met, he fought so hard for us to be together. I was happy with friends with benefits. But after a while he’s become less loving. I’ve spoken to him about it this morning and he just said that’s how he is and he has this issue in every relationship as women have high expectations.

So, having had "this issue in every relationship" - has he considered that the only common denominator in all those relationships is himself, and that maybe - the problem is him?

I'm with @ChateauDuMont - he's a thicko. Can't see that what he did was humiliating, can't see his behaviour is pushing you away, can't see he's fucked up every past relationship too - thick as shit in the neck of a bottle (as my grandfather used to say).

And as I said before - he is a user, and he is using you. The relationship is over, isn't it? There's no coming back from this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/12/2023 15:45

It would be pure self destruction for you to stay with this cruel and nasty man @Fatatforty

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 16:04

Fatatforty · 08/12/2023 20:40

@Sorchamarie i did ask him if he loved his children and he said of course he did and that’s an unconditional love which is different. I do get that as I love my children in a totally different way to a relationship partner. Even when I was with their dad. Nothing comes close to the love of children. So he said that’s what love is, not a relationship. He said he feels bonded to me and cares about me.

He might say he feels bonded to you and cares about you, but that isn't borne out by his actions. In what way does he think he cares about you? Because it seems to me he doesn't care about your feelings at all. He says what he thinks and doesn't care that his words hurt you.

Elefant1 · 10/12/2023 21:13

It sounds like you are just incompatible. I am probably the female version of your partner, if someone asks if me and my DP of 10 years are going to move in together my response is "No way, we would kill each other!". I am no good at emotional support it's just not how I am, however if someone needs practical help I am there. I am lucky enough to have a DP who is very similar in this respect so it works for us.
You two seem to have very different ideas on how a relationship should be so possibly you are not right for eachother.