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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put us on Pornhub🙈

276 replies

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 17:25

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 19:45

Hellenabe · 07/12/2023 19:44

this sounds dubious - the op sounds a bit boastful whereas id be mortified

You may not be aware but humans are not all exactly like you.

Minimising is a known response to abuse, trauma and assault.

SecretVictoria · 07/12/2023 19:46

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 07/12/2023 19:00

can we please not do this. can we please not judge women in the heat of the moment for any way in which they choose to deal
with huge consent violations? everyone processes shock in different ways and just because someone is acting bright and breezy it doesn’t mean they haven’t been seriously impacted. Nobody owes you any sort of performance of your idea of victimhood.

Show quote history

After reading this and thinking, you’re right and I apologise. I do have my doubts if this is real and that’s what I was referring to. I will ask MN to delete my comment though.

SpideyVerse · 07/12/2023 19:46

@Xelaharas

Over40Overdating · 07/12/2023 19:48

@Diamonde the emoji and tone of the OPs post has only derailed the thread for people who want to judge the OP for her response to something shocking and deeply traumatising that’s changed the course of what she thought her life would be, because there was a sexual element.

If you think you’d be perfect if your private life was exposed in this way by someone you trusted, bully for you.

@SutWytTi has said it much better than I can.

mumda · 07/12/2023 19:50

he's "took the page down"?

Doesn't mean they're not still out there. Which is why it's such a serious issue.

LePanthere · 07/12/2023 19:50

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 17:34

You say you didn't agree but did you actually refuse and tell him no when he talked about it? If you did then dump him and yes I would contact police however if you just laughed it off then possibly its a judgement error?

Absolutely not.
consent should always be assumed no until it’s a clear and enthusiastic yes.
narratives like yours blame the victim.

OP, this is sexual abuse and a crime. As it’s your partner that has committed this crime, you may be experiencing domestic violence.

i would speak to a domestic violence support service to explore your safety in talking to police.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 19:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 07/12/2023 19:55

Happened to my daughter ..she kicked him out.. he got arrested .. it's been a year.. it's going to court.. he will probably get two years .. it's exactly the same as Celebrity Big Brother winner Stephen Bear who got jailed for two years on 'revenge porn' charges against TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
Leave him now.

Original poster
Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 19:55

We don't live together so he said "this is for when I'm not there" But I honestly don't know why he chose to tell me today. He said he told me before but I was probably tipsy, so don't remember.
He thought it was funny and I'm assuming he was trying to make a joke
I told him to take it down immediately which he did. But now I feel like I our whole relationship has just been a joke.
For all those saying this isn't true, I really wish it wasn't.

OP posts:
UncomfortableSofa · 07/12/2023 19:57

There is no coming back from this huge breach of boundaries, trust and respect.

LePanthere · 07/12/2023 19:57

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 18:41

No I'm really not. Putting yourself in such a vulnerable position really does leave you open to this happening, again whether by the phone being lost or the video being released accidentally to it being deliberately distributed. Maybe best not to film yourself having sex really?

Show quote history

Jesus Christ now we’re back to women shouldn’t wear skirts and walk alone at night.

are you fucking serious?

Esgaroth · 07/12/2023 19:57

Bullshit he told you before. You'd have to be a lot more than tipsy to forget something like that.

Diamonde · 07/12/2023 20:00

Over40Overdating · 07/12/2023 19:48

@Diamonde the emoji and tone of the OPs post has only derailed the thread for people who want to judge the OP for her response to something shocking and deeply traumatising that’s changed the course of what she thought her life would be, because there was a sexual element.

If you think you’d be perfect if your private life was exposed in this way by someone you trusted, bully for you.

@SutWytTi has said it much better than I can.

You don't need to get upset with me. I have dealt with similar and at a much younger age than op who is a grown up. to an extent I get it.

Don't expect people not to mention about it.

Denimdenimdenim · 07/12/2023 20:01

Oh God. That's a truly wicked thing to do to someone you love.

Diamonde · 07/12/2023 20:03

People questioning the tone and use of emojis are within their rights. Shame that poster got deleted, they said nothing wrong.

It's the people implying that op didn't refuse in advance that I find problematic. Still, I don't judge them for that. I just assume they've been lucky enough to not have had their trust exploited

Nobody's doubled down that it's OP's fault from what I read, so likely the case that they're ignorant etc etc

AcrossthePond55 · 07/12/2023 20:06

@Xelaharas

I agree with others telling you to call the police and report him.

The thing is, your image is now 'out there'. Yes, he's taken the videos down but you have no way of knowing how many other pervs have copied one/all of the videos for their own 'collection' and/or then shared with others.

For your own protection you need to have some sort of paper trail showing that you did NOT consent to them being put online in the off chance they surface again someday in a way that is detrimental to your reputation.

I know of a young woman who posed for a 'nothing left to the imagination' picture for a men's magazine. It was posted on the magazine's website. Some years later that picture was 'found' online and shown around her workplace by a male coworker. The coworker lost his job, sure, but her reputation in that workplace was 'damaged' and she ended up leaving. Unfair, yes, but life is unfair.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 07/12/2023 20:06

You are a bit scared of him, @Xelaharas?

And that is a reason to NOT go to the police? Can you help me understand why that is, because it sounds a bit counterproductive.

LePanthere · 07/12/2023 20:07

DriftingDora · 07/12/2023 19:18

It's not the person you are quoting who is out of touch here. It's you. And I think you are doing a grave disservice to women generally by your phrase 'Many women think much more grave and degrading things are perfectly normal.'

What 'things' - and where is your evidence for this?

Show quote history

I worked healthy relationships education in secondary schools eight years ago.

we did an activity where the kids had to put themselves on a scale of more acceptable, less acceptable.

overwhelmingly teenage girls thought it was less acceptable for a woman to expect a man to pay on the first date and more acceptable for a partner to put their hands round your throat during sex.

not a empirical study but was certainly an eye opener for me in terms of how the patriarchy has managed to hijack feminism.

UneFoisAuChalet · 07/12/2023 20:08

‘I think I look fucking hot’

You lost me at that point OP. I wouldn’t be thinking about how I look, I’d be thinking about how someone I loved and was intimate with could do that to me.

It’s a pretty low bar when you think it’s a good thing your partner would rather watch you on pornhub than others. And 2k plus viewers is really not something that needs mentioning.

rainbowlou · 07/12/2023 20:09

This is awful, an ex boyfriend videoed us without my knowledge or consent.
20 years later I still have absolute panic attacks over what he did with those videos and where they are or who saw them.
I really hope you consider reporting him for this, it’s disgusting

Cas112 · 07/12/2023 20:10

You need to report him to the police

MindHowYouGoes · 07/12/2023 20:11

It’s pretty much guaranteed he made the videos to go online - if you were making home videos to enjoy together later with no intention to ever go anywhere else it would have your face in it. By deliberately not filming your face it’s clear he had the intention of sharing it.

as it is he can watch himself having sex with you and you could be anyone. It’s not a compliment.

Letsnowalready · 07/12/2023 20:14

PieAndLattes · 07/12/2023 17:29

Police. That’s an offence and people have been jailed for it. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s a gross violation of your privacy.

https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/information-and-advice/need-help-and-advice/voyeurism-and-upskirting/

Yea I'm thinking of the most recent one being Stephen Bear for uploading cctv footage of him and his ex having sex to sex sites

Sugargliderwombat · 07/12/2023 20:14

There's a reason this is a criminal offence. Its absolutely disgusting that someone would do this, and to say you're overreacting !

BoredofBlonde · 07/12/2023 20:17

Play stupid games OP, get stupid prizes.

Dump the idiot. He has shown you what he is at heart.