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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put us on Pornhub🙈

276 replies

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 17:25

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 20:20

UneFoisAuChalet · 07/12/2023 20:08

‘I think I look fucking hot’

You lost me at that point OP. I wouldn’t be thinking about how I look, I’d be thinking about how someone I loved and was intimate with could do that to me.

It’s a pretty low bar when you think it’s a good thing your partner would rather watch you on pornhub than others. And 2k plus viewers is really not something that needs mentioning.

It is actually a known reaction to minimise an episode like this - it is quite hard to say 'I feel devastated' as it makes us feel our pain and weakness.

Don't blame a victim for having a different, but not uncommon, emotional response to a traumatic incident.

StrawberryWater · 07/12/2023 20:20

If you must film that kind of stuff never, ever, agree to film something on someone else's phone! Always put it on yours and never share it (they can watch it on your phone with you) so you can have complete control over who gets access to it.

Not only has he now shared these videos with thousands he's probably shared it around his mates, who've no doubt shared it with there's, who've shared it with there's and so on and so on.

Get rid of him and contact the police. What he's done is illegal.

LimePi · 07/12/2023 20:21

You are not exaggerating
he is an idiot

SoupDragon · 07/12/2023 20:23

If you must film that kind of stuff never, ever, agree to film something on someone else's phone! Always put it on yours and never share it (they can watch it on your phone with you) so you can have complete control over who gets access to it.

How does that work when there are two people?

Dunnoburt · 07/12/2023 20:26

I certainly don't think that by using 🙈 in your title you are taking it as serious as you should be.

Orangeandgold · 07/12/2023 20:28

That is not ok at all. If you report him he will be in trouble. For me it’s the trust that is broken!!

Squirre · 07/12/2023 20:33

OP I completely understand you being scared of him and cautious about the police. Could you maybe contact a domestic abuse charity for advice? I don't know how it would work with the police but I wonder if it's possible to log it so there's a record but not have the police speak to him. Then if he escalates you have a record of this already on the system. I'm not sure if that's possible but I think there needs to be a log of this somewhere for you. What's happened to you is awful and you've done the right thing to leave him. It won't be easy but you deserve much better than this no matter what!

Luxell934 · 07/12/2023 20:35

In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn

Err he's putting you on the internet for everyone to see, he's not keeping it for himself now is he. 100% he watches stuff on Pornhub if he's uploading his own..

Lwrenagain · 07/12/2023 20:36

A woman in shock finds out she's the victim of a sex crime committed by a long term partner and some people choose a pile on over a fucking emoji.
Get a grip.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 20:42

You can never trust I’m after this. That was an awful thing to do without your consent. It needs to be over. There is no healthy way to continue a relationship after that.

sorry op - he should not have done that.

Gillypie23 · 07/12/2023 20:44

This is revenge porn. Go yo the police

Ardith · 07/12/2023 20:44

OP what he has done is a criminal offence. Report it to the police to protect future women.

End the relationship. He has zero respect for you and that is not good husband/father material.

He knew it was wrong. He chose to do it anyway. He could have asked your consent, he chose not to.

He’s been arranging for other men to watch you having sex without you consenting to that. What a fucking creep.

Dunnoburt · 07/12/2023 20:46

Lwrenagain · 07/12/2023 20:36

A woman in shock finds out she's the victim of a sex crime committed by a long term partner and some people choose a pile on over a fucking emoji.
Get a grip.

Rather be cynical than gullible.....and I'm not piling on.....

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2023 20:47

I'll be totally honest that im hesitant about involving police because I am slightly scared of him.

Once you're rid of him, have a really good think about why you were going to marry a man you are scared of.

Lwrenagain · 07/12/2023 20:49

@Dunnoburt I'd rather believe a potential victim than start a campaign of dull troll hunting. Guess we're not the same.

Dunnoburt · 07/12/2023 20:49

Lwrenagain · 07/12/2023 20:49

@Dunnoburt I'd rather believe a potential victim than start a campaign of dull troll hunting. Guess we're not the same.

Who's troll hunting?

Chelsea543 · 07/12/2023 20:50

Even if you don’t contact the police I think you should contact pornhub and tell them that account name X was uploaded with videos of you without your consent. Pornhub take this very seriously. I’d also ask if the videos were monetised as I imagine he has been making some money off them over the year. Also if pornhub are aware they can stop him uploading the account again - or making a new one with the same videos.

tachycardigan · 07/12/2023 21:11

My life is a roller coaster (not including this) and I could tell you some shit that would mess with your head.

No one is shocked anymore by anyone. Too many sordid stories out there.

snowfootsteps · 07/12/2023 21:20

Dunnoburt · 07/12/2023 20:46

Rather be cynical than gullible.....and I'm not piling on.....

Edited
Show quote history

I'd rather be kind.

Each to their own.

Dunnoburt · 07/12/2023 21:24

snowfootsteps · 07/12/2023 21:20

I'd rather be kind.

Each to their own.

Show quote history

How was I not kind?

kαλοκαλοκαιρι · 07/12/2023 21:34

SecretVictoria · 07/12/2023 19:46

After reading this and thinking, you’re right and I apologise. I do have my doubts if this is real and that’s what I was referring to. I will ask MN to delete my comment though.

Show quote history

Thank you for this.

Flatbellyfella · 07/12/2023 21:39

The Videos will have been viewed & recorded by perverts all around the world ,they will never disappear ,probably shared on lots of porn sites.

FMSucks · 07/12/2023 21:43

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. You need to look after yourself and be gentle to yourself. You have been violated by the person your should have trusted most in this world. He is abhorrent.

ChateauDuMont · 07/12/2023 21:51

Slightly scared of him?

Having sex with someone renders you at your most vulnerable so I would avoid being intimate with him if you are planning to wait a bit before dumping him.

Hellenabe · 07/12/2023 22:01

But you said you think you look fucking hot? I know not everyone reacts the same but that's weird. Why would you add that in to your post. If it's real, it sounds like you are proud of it, then read the room and quickly added that you're scared of him. This all sounds very dubious