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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put us on Pornhub🙈

276 replies

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 17:25

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

OP posts:
Motnight · 07/12/2023 19:27

weirdoboelady · 07/12/2023 19:24

I'm going to report this thread, and not because I think the OP is making it up. I am worried that some over-enthusiastic gutter journalist might pick this up and find the videos, after some digging. I don't think that would be helpful to the OP or anyone. OP, sorry and I hope you see this post if the thread IS deleted.

I am sure that this thread is going to be reported by a number of people.

Andthereyougo · 07/12/2023 19:28

He might now be angry that you’ve dumped him and upload the videos again. He may well be making money from them.
If you are scared of him ( for any reason , ever) then that is enough reason never to be in a relationship with him.
You can call 101 for advice , you don’t have to give your name and you can block your number.

mimiku · 07/12/2023 19:28

This is a criminal offence. Absolutely disgusting!! Report to the police, put him in the bin and start a bin fire.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 19:29

You aren’t losing your mind OP, at least not the way you think.
Well done for ending things with him. Please don’t feel guilty - you’ve done nothing wrong here.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 19:29

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snowfootsteps · 07/12/2023 19:29

Hi Op - do look after yourself. He did something terribly wrong to you and ending things is not an overreaction.

It is quite normal for the OP make light of/minimise things (including joking) as a defensive mechanism. Some posters on here appear to lack empathy.

As a PP said, it might hit you quite hard later on. Try and get some support in real life. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

Izzy54321 · 07/12/2023 19:29

OP I’m so sorry but sites like the one he uploaded you onto share with other sites so I would imagine after a year your videos are online a lot. Please call the police 🙏

Over40Overdating · 07/12/2023 19:29

Presuming the OP is sincere, this is a beautiful lesson in how women need to be ‘perfect’ victims to warrant empathy from others when it comes to being abused or violated by men.

Whatever emojis OP used or ill advised humour, the fact is her ex has committed a criminal sexual offence.
That’s the issue here, not what Ms Perfect from Poface would or wouldn’t have done to avoid being in the same situation. The men don’t come and give you a medal for redirecting the blame.

@Xelaharas The fact you are afraid of him is all the more reason to go to the police. He didn’t just post a video, you had a whole page of videos up for over a year and he said nothing. He may not have made money from it but he was still exploiting you for his own gain.

THISISNOTCOOLLDN · 07/12/2023 19:30

My shock is the fact that you aren't suggesting leaving this person or calling he police. Simple as that.

This is a crime and irreversible action ,2000 views ,imagine how many have saved these and uploaded elsewhere ? Clearly you didn't think of that now did you

Lovemusic82 · 07/12/2023 19:30

Please do go to the police, they will take this seriously. If you don’t go to the police then you will live in fear that he still has these videos and could use them against you at any time?

Lookingforward01 · 07/12/2023 19:33

This is the worst thing I have ever read on mumsnet.

Go directly to the police. Go now.

Keep all evidence of calls etc.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

SpideyVerse · 07/12/2023 19:34

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 18:38

Interestingly it would appear that the law states "The person sharing the image or video must have meant to cause fear, alarm or distress, or was reckless as to whether it would cause this. Recklessness means that it was a foreseeable result of their actions". As such perhaps there is such a thing as needing to explicitly refuse?

In Scotland, for instance, there is no such amibuity in the law... it is criminal FULL STOP. Other countries are, and will continue following suit in making the legislation more plain-spoken. Tide has changed, thankfully.
(Pity we're in a toxic era where such laws even need to be created.)

Regr · 07/12/2023 19:37

Leave him, go to the police and contact pornhub about the fact they have videos on the website of you, that you did not consent to, they have a page where you can flag none consensual images/videos of yourself.

snowfootsteps · 07/12/2023 19:37

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 07/12/2023 19:00

can we please not do this. can we please not judge women in the heat of the moment for any way in which they choose to deal
with huge consent violations? everyone processes shock in different ways and just because someone is acting bright and breezy it doesn’t mean they haven’t been seriously impacted. Nobody owes you any sort of performance of your idea of victimhood.

Show quote history

Exactly. The victim blaming/judging on this thread is pretty vile.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2023 19:38

How awful. I think if you can't be sure he's deleted things then you should go to the police. They're the only ones that can. Or at least that can scare him enough not to re-share the videos in future.

To me it smacks of his contempt for you (probably all women tbf) that he could share it. Let alone leave it up for a whole year.
This whole year you've thought he was your partner when actually he was exploiting you at your most vulnerable for 'likes'.

He's actually a monster and belongs in jail.

Good on you for turfing him out!

Please be honest with your friends and family about why. It might be embarrassing but they need to know what sort of person be really is. So that he can't manipulate them to get to you.

Diamonde · 07/12/2023 19:38

Over40Overdating · 07/12/2023 19:29

Presuming the OP is sincere, this is a beautiful lesson in how women need to be ‘perfect’ victims to warrant empathy from others when it comes to being abused or violated by men.

Whatever emojis OP used or ill advised humour, the fact is her ex has committed a criminal sexual offence.
That’s the issue here, not what Ms Perfect from Poface would or wouldn’t have done to avoid being in the same situation. The men don’t come and give you a medal for redirecting the blame.

@Xelaharas The fact you are afraid of him is all the more reason to go to the police. He didn’t just post a video, you had a whole page of videos up for over a year and he said nothing. He may not have made money from it but he was still exploiting you for his own gain.

Commenting on OP's unusual behaviour and her DH commuting sexual crimes are not mutually exclusive.

As much as this is a shock, she is still an adult. Most people would be furious if their partner posted pornographic videos online and worried that people might see, not flattered that they looked good. And cheeky emojis as if it's your hubby proposing on the sofa instead of taking you out. It's just a bit ?? Of course that's going to derail the thread.

But you are right that his behaviour should be the focus. Whoever said go to the police is spot on. If you did not consent to this, you go to them asap

SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 19:41

Diamonde · 07/12/2023 19:38

Commenting on OP's unusual behaviour and her DH commuting sexual crimes are not mutually exclusive.

As much as this is a shock, she is still an adult. Most people would be furious if their partner posted pornographic videos online and worried that people might see, not flattered that they looked good. And cheeky emojis as if it's your hubby proposing on the sofa instead of taking you out. It's just a bit ?? Of course that's going to derail the thread.

But you are right that his behaviour should be the focus. Whoever said go to the police is spot on. If you did not consent to this, you go to them asap

Show quote history

Repeating my post from above: It only happened today. Making light of things is a well-known and not unusual response to shock, abuse or trauma.

Female victims are often subject to unfair and unrealistic scrutiny over how they react to the way they have been treated.

SpideyVerse · 07/12/2023 19:42

@Xelaharas Did he mean to send you the link, or was it a mis-send that was intended for another person?

Why did he claim to choose to illuminate you out of the blue, after this page (that you know of) has been out there for public consumption over a year?

flowerchild2000 · 07/12/2023 19:42

I'm not sure what this is called in legal terms but it's akin to sexual assault. You're not overreacting. I hope you get everything permanently erased and seek justice. You should go ahead and start therapy, the sooner the better. This is something that could affect you for a long time mentally and emotionally so be sure to take care of yourself now.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 19:43

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AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 19:44

Obviously this is very serious and potentially criminal and you have every reason to be fuming, dump him, police, etc etc.

Saying that, if no-one but him and you know it's you, then in theory - and if you wanted it to - then maybe the relationship could survive.

Only you said "This all happened this afternoon BTW and I've told him it's over. I'll be totally honest that im hesitant about involving police because I am slightly scared of him." The scared of him thing is as bad if not worse than the pornhub thing and you are well rid.

Hellenabe · 07/12/2023 19:44

this sounds dubious - the op sounds a bit boastful whereas id be mortified

DavesRaves · 07/12/2023 19:44

This is why you should never allow yourself to be filmed or photographed naked or having sex.
That way, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 19:44

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CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 07/12/2023 19:45

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