He put us on Pornhub🙈

[Xelaharas]

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

Definitely not victim blaming.

Victim blaming would be saying ‘why did you let him film you?’

I’m just saying that telling MN you look hot in your home porn video is strange. Perhaps it’s a reaction of minimising the situation but dealing with victims of sexual exploitation and FGM in my job, I can’t recall any of them ever saying they looked ‘hot’ whilst being abused.

But I’m more than happy with MN teaching me otherwise.

You wrote " I certainly don't think that by using 🙈 in your title you are taking it as serious as you should be."

I think criticising a victim for not behaving how you think they ought to isn't a particularly kind thing to do.

We may well have differing views on what kindness entails.

@UneFoisAuChalet

'I’m just saying that telling MN you look hot in your home porn video is strange. Perhaps it’s a reaction of minimising the situation but dealing with victims of sexual exploitation and FGM in my job, I can’t recall any of them ever saying they looked ‘hot’ whilst being abused.'

I agree.

I'm confident about how I look but I would be devastated at a private video being shared on a porn site.

I would probably feel paranoid about going out, thinking that I could be recognised even if my face was not shown in the video.

It would be a terrible shock and I wouldn't be focusing on how good or bad I looked, I would just be horrified and feel completely violated and panicky.

and that’s completely fine! But you’re not the OP, and I think it’s really quite unfair that she’s being judged on the ‘strangeness’ of her reaction to an actual experience she had* because it doesn’t match the way you imagine you would respond ~if~ it happened to you.

*and yes, i always prefer to give the benefit of the doubt in these kinds of cases, cos I sincerely believe that the potential damage to other victims who may read some of the disbelieving comments here and be negatively impacted in terms of seeking support or reporting through fear of shame or judgement huuuugely outweighs the 10 minutes i would have lost posting on a troll post :)

You’re not victim blaming, but you are perpetuating a myth that victims act in a certain way and if they don’t then they can’t really be victims.

@SutWytTi is right - it is a known phenomenon that some victims minimise or try to rationalise what has happened to them and can do so by blaming themselves or trying to make light of things. Everyone processes things differently.

So what if you work with victims of sexual exploitation it doesn’t make you an expert on every aspect. I also work with survivors and so do lots of women on MN. In reality, by the time they reach you (and me) for help, they probably have processed it and wouldn’t say something like this to you. But it doesn’t mean they didn’t stay or think it in the early stages of dealing with it.

I have read many contemporaneous diaries, blogs, texts messages from victims sent directly after abuse and this sort of making light and trying to find a positive is absolutely normal. The myth that victims act in a particular way is why prosecutions against abusers get discontinued when these documents come to light and there are literally hundreds of academics, lawyers and campaigners doing work on why this shouldn’t be the case.

I didn't say you were blaming her for what happened, I said Don't blame a victim for having a different, but not uncommon, emotional response to a traumatic incident - your comment of You lost me at that point OP. I wouldn’t be thinking about how I look IMO blames the OP for their response rather than focusing on the CRIME which has been perpetrated against her.

If you have all this experience, you will understand that people have a wide range of responses and minimising is common when things like this happen in relationships.

I have read many contemporaneous diaries, blogs, texts messages from victims sent directly after abuse and this sort of making light and trying to find a positive is absolutely normal. This from @IdealisticCynic is very important. Often the texts sent immediately after an event can paint a very different picture. It is a form of self-preservation.

Not everyone responds the same way.

It can be really helpful to read and learn about how other people respond - because minimising does happen. Assuming everyone is exactly like us is so unhelpful. Trying to put yourself in someone else's place and understand why they did what they did is much more helpful than simply thinking 'what would I do?' - especially because until it happens we have no idea how we would react anyway.

@Xelaharas

As @Pinkbonbon said...
"Please be honest with your friends and family about why. It might be embarrassing but they need to know what sort of person be really is. So that he can't manipulate them to get to you."

Honestly if he thinks you are inclined to keep this hush-hush from people IRL out of misplaced embarrassment/shame, then he will exploit that TO GET AWAY WITH HIS HEINOUS ACTIONS, and weaponise it as leverage over you in future.

But it isn't about you, or what you would do. You'd be too traumatised to hold up your head, and follow all the social discourses that tell us how 'proper' females should behave. This is the well-worn madonna vs. whore complex. And yet - the shame does not belong to OP. Culpability rests solely with the perverted pig who violated her in this way.

This disparaging of women who don't seem to behave as a victim 'should' behave really has to stop, IMO. Anyone with any doubts as to the level of harm this can do should look no further than Lindy Chamberlain and Joanne Lees.

It works the other way, too. Of course, commentary is all over the internet as to how the massive archive of evidence on Lucy Letby can't possibly point to her guilt because she's vanilla, boring, and tolerably pretty.

So the OP is sexy, red-blooded and confident about her body (which is, I suspect, the real reason for those posters' discomfort with her posts): she can be those things AND be a victim.

What she has been through is a major violation - I use that term euphemestically - and people can react to trauma in numerous ways. They minimise what's happened to them, because it's easier than facing it. Their mind goes into denial. The effects can come out, with peculiar symptoms, years - even decades - later. These are well-documented symptoms of a strange conditon known as PTSD - and victims of sexual offences are amonst those most likely to suffer from it.

OP, I'm sorry for the tone of the responses you've experienced. By 2023 you'd think people would be more enlightened and less eager to buy into the patriarchal lie we've been sold.

It seems not.

OP I am so sorry this bastard has done this to you, and I'd be tempted to involve the police to make sure his tech was searched to ensure there are no more deletions required elsewhere. But clearly that is entirely your decision. I think I'd advise you to at least read up a bit about the pros and cons though.

I am sorry you are frightened of him, it makes this even more disturbing. More importantly I think some counselling for you would be a really good idea if there is any chance you can access it.

As an aside, it just shows what a disgusting operation p*rnhub is. Sadly yours were far from the only videos on there, where the women (and, horrifyingly, often children) were absolutely not consenting to the upload - and sadly in some cases, not to the sexual activity itself, either.

So in my opinion, anyone who goes anywhere near p*rnhub is scum anyway.

Once again, I am so very sorry this has happened to you.

OP please ignore any victim blaming or shaming on here. And people trying to police the nuance of your wording is victim blaming. You are absolutely within your rights to consent to intimate videos, and enjoy it. It is not wrong to remember enjoying the sex at the time, when you see the videos in a different context, either.

And it is fine to hope not to be judged for it - though sadly it turns out that even some of Mumsnet might judge you for it after all.

So: consenting to intimate videos as part of your sex life - not wrong, but as it turns out, unwise.

Uploading intimate videos to the internet without explicit consent - obviously wrong and a crime, you did not consent to that.

i'm sure we are all with you in saying well done, sending big hugs OP. I feel worried when I hear that you are scared of him. Is there is any way you can get some extra support IRL, counselling or something? from your post it sounds like there is a lot of other stuff in your life history ,you may well be in shock at the moment but when you come out of the shock stage you might need someone to listen and help you process this.

Thanks for all your comments. I will think about involving the police, if it comes to that. He didn't do it for revenge and he has apologised. He doesn't realise how serious it actually is.
No, I'm not back with him. We clearly don't know eachother like I thought we did and all trust has been broken. I have reported it and all videos that I found have been removed.

Please don’t get bogged down by terminology you may have read in the press. It doesn’t have to be for revenge to be illegal. He has committed a serious crime against you. Even if you don’t feel able or want to report him to the police, would you consider telling someone like your GP what has happened, so there is a formal record in case things get worse? And at the very least, download and back up all messages etc in which he has admitted doing it. If you later want or need to report him, you need to preserve that evidence.

Well done for leaving him, OP. I hope for your sake you never, ever take him back.

This is really good advice OP.

Why were you planning on marrying a man you are scared of?

All your posts scream to me that you are quite vulnerable and I hope you are able to reflect on what has happened and get some support to build your confidence.

Please take care of yourself and practice compassion for yourself, OP. As previous posters have noted this man really abused you, psychologically, and the fact that you were engaged to him while also being scared of him is a massive sign of the damage he was doing to you. Try to find a support group or therapy to help you get stronger and mire self confident.

You lost me at 'life is boring as fuck if you dont take risks' when justifying
this...

Obviously you need to dump this awful man and get him out of your life.

What baffles me is why did he sent you links to these videos? I struggle to believe he was genuinely so misguided and utterly lacking in judgment that he thought you'd be turned-on /thrilled at the prospect that he's made you a porn-star for the past year without your knowledge? Wtf did he expect?!

@Xelaharas

This jumped out at me: And in a different situation it might not of bothered me so much (e.g. I was young and not engaged).

I can't imagine what the circumstances might ever be for me not be bothered about something like this! Are you saying that if a guy did this when you were younger and not in a committed relationship that you'd be "meh - I'm not particularly fussed that I've been posted engaged in sex acts on Pornhub"...because if that's the case, I'm seriously concerned about your self-worth and judgment!

@Xelaharas it doesn’t have to be revenge porn for the helpline to help you. If it was that popular on pornhub it might be elsewhere. Please contact them. They can use photo recognition to find where else it could be.

Hope you're alright lass @Xelaharas not had a second to pee let alone read any updates etc I will later, but thinking of you pal x