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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put us on Pornhub🙈

276 replies

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 17:25

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 07/12/2023 18:10

You shouldn’t of told him to keep hold of the videos because it’s the last he’ll see of you (I know that was probably said in anger) you should of told him to delete every single one of them! What an absolute creep! It’s one thing to make personal videos for yourself, you both agreed to that so that’s ok but the fact he shared them online is disgusting, not to mention a criminal offence. He also lied to you for a year…. A whole year! You could never trust him again so keep that engagement ring off

isthatmyage · 07/12/2023 18:10

OP I rarely post on here but OMG this is absolutely shocking, and agree with others, this is definitely a police matter. Good luck xx

WhamBamThankU · 07/12/2023 18:12

I had a similar scenario with my ex who pretended to be me online to other men too. I bitterly, bitterly regret not reporting at the time as it may have stopped his behaviour years down the line. Please consider it as part of the type of person he is and what he is willing/capable of.

Duckingella · 07/12/2023 18:15

You need to report this to the police immediately;he may have taken it down however it will still remain in the public dim and may have been downloaded and shared to other sites or peoples personal collections.

Needless to say you shouldn't remain with him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 18:17

Like fuck as he lost the phone and like fuck has he deleted them from everywhere

Bambooshoot · 07/12/2023 18:17

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 18:03

Wow. I'll be honest, I tried to put the humor in because I actually can't believe it myself. I shit you not, It's 100% true. I didn't know about the recent thing in the news, I can't stand watching it.
I am absolutely fuming about the whole thing and like I said, I've taken off my engagement ring. I genuinely didn't know it's as serious of an offence as you've all stated and now I feel even worse for writing it the way I did.
I would never be able to make sure he deleted all the videos and he lost the phone that most of them were on, a few months ago.

So what now?

Please don’t disappear! I’m hoping for a post saying you ditched him and reported him to the police. He has no boundaries for consent from women. God knowns what he will move on to next (and they generally do move on).

SamW98 · 07/12/2023 18:18

Stephen Bear got 21 months in prison for uploading 1 video without the woman’s consent so the police will take it very seriously.

trevthecat · 07/12/2023 18:18

My first ever ltb. I would also report. Those videos are out there now. Could be on any number of sites, shared from the original through WhatsApp or other messaging app. You know he can't be trusted to delete them and it doesn't even matter, the damage is done.

spuddel · 07/12/2023 18:18

What @HesAWankerOp said. This is unbelievably horrific!

Squirre · 07/12/2023 18:18

Omg that's awful OP! If he'd made you a page does that mean he'd monetised the videos? Not sure how these things work but bloody hell that is horrendous and such a betrayal! To make the page without your consent is awful enough but to have spent a year with it up... presumably he was reading all those comments and getting off on that too. I'd be worried what else he had done/what else he will do when he's treated your body like his property.

takemehomecountryroads · 07/12/2023 18:18

Police. Then ditch his sorry arse.

falanka · 07/12/2023 18:18

It's a crime. He's a danger to women.

If you can, report it. Ask a friend to go with you. It's really scary and difficult, but ultimately a service to society. If you can find the strength to do this service, we thank you.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 18:19

OK to clarify my post, I never at any point said it was OK, I asked for clarification on her refusal based on her smokin hot comment and the fact she hadn't insisted on him deleting them from his phone (either his current phone or the one he lost). Neither did I offer advice other than if she had refused to dump him and go to the police. I was unaware she had to give explicit permission. The risk with doing these movies or sending pics is that you have absolutely no control over them, especially if the device they're held on is lost! OP can I assume you've now gone to the police and dumped him?

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:19

Jesus. You need to run away as fast as you can.

He has not lost the phone. He’ll be using it for the purposes of keeping you in line with his demands. Men like this will gaslight you into thinking his behaviour is normal these days. It is not.

He won’t stop at putting videos on line - it’ll be demands for a public show/dogging next time. Shudder.

Men like this play the long game. He will alienate you from friends and family and he undoubtedly will be monitoring you.

Out of interest, why did he decide to send you the link today? Have you had a row?

Whatever happens, Do not marry this man or have kids with him.

AnneValentine · 07/12/2023 18:19

madeinmanc · 07/12/2023 17:45

The thing is if she leaves him, what will he do with the clips then? Because he can't be trusted to delete them off everything, he'll have kept a backup for sure.

Edited

Excellent point. She should definitely marry him and have kids to be safe.

seriously?!

Notahammersfan · 07/12/2023 18:20

And 100% involve the Police.

DriftingDora · 07/12/2023 18:20

Mothmansknickers · 07/12/2023 17:47

@rockymimosa It's a weirdly written post, isn't it?

I'd be fking furious about this violation and abuse of trust. I'd not be thinking, wow, I look hot.

You could say that. So she's upset, but pleased she 'looks hot'. Er...what?

Princessandthepea0 · 07/12/2023 18:21

Police.

Mothmansknickers · 07/12/2023 18:22

@DriftingDora I think it was misplaced humour as she didn't realise just how serious this is. If he's done it to her, how many others has he done it with?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/12/2023 18:23

What do you want to do now?

ToniTTtopaz · 07/12/2023 18:24

Google Stephen Bear. He's currently in prison for doing this to his then girlfriend.

That's how serious it is.

whengodwasarabbit1 · 07/12/2023 18:24

Oh sweet, this is horrific. There's nothing wrong with this if you clearly consent to it being online, but he hasn't asked your express permission and he's violated you and taken advantage of you. This doesn't bode well for how he sees you,or women in general. It's proper Andrew Tate misogynistic bullshit. Your body is not a commodity.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/12/2023 18:25

Quite a few people have said it OP. It’s a criminal offence and you could report him to the police. Whether you do that is up to you, but he needs to know he’s committed a crime. i would give him the ring back - how could you trust him ever again after that ?

Mouthouch · 07/12/2023 18:25

Wow that is bad!

VeronicaSawyer89 · 07/12/2023 18:26

madeinmanc · 07/12/2023 17:45

The thing is if she leaves him, what will he do with the clips then? Because he can't be trusted to delete them off everything, he'll have kept a backup for sure.

Edited

So she should stay with him to make sure he doesn't do revenge porn?