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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put us on Pornhub🙈

276 replies

Xelaharas · 07/12/2023 17:25

Fiancé and I have been together 5 years. We have our ups and down but the bedroom department is always 20/10. He went through a phase of videoing our intimate moments and I didn't have a problem with that. He mentioned to me before about making us a page but I thought he was messing around and at no point did I agree. He sent me a link today, to MY OWN PAGE on Pornhub and it's been active for over a year.
I feel absolutely violated and completely disrespected. You can't see me face in any of the video's and he uploaded at least 5. Personally, I think I look fu**ing hot in them but that's not the point. They were for us, they were private. I screamed at him over the phone and he has now taken them off, but I can't see how I can one day marry a man who basically sees me as a porn star. In one way it's flattering to know that he would rather watch me than regular porn but one of them had over 2k views and people had made (obviously) explicit comments about me. A lot of people have seen my derriere that I don't know and I really don't like that. I've told him that he better hold on to those videos because that's all he is ever going to see of me again and he's saying I'm overreacting! I've taken off my engagement ring, I'm so angry.
This isn't a conversation I can have with an actual person, without embarrassing myself.
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING??

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 07/12/2023 18:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Megifer · 07/12/2023 18:44

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 18:38

Interestingly it would appear that the law states "The person sharing the image or video must have meant to cause fear, alarm or distress, or was reckless as to whether it would cause this. Recklessness means that it was a foreseeable result of their actions". As such perhaps there is such a thing as needing to explicitly refuse?

It reads very clear to me that the person must consent to it being shared.

It's a long read admittedly.

Esgaroth · 07/12/2023 18:46

He's a sex offender and you should report him to the police.

On a side note, this is a great example of why it is never ethical to watch pornography - you never have full knowledge of the circumstances of the people appearing in these videos and in which ways they are being exploited.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 18:48

Megifer · 07/12/2023 18:44

It reads very clear to me that the person must consent to it being shared.

It's a long read admittedly.

Show quote history

Just a thought for anyone else who may send images / take part in videos that what they assume might not be the case, particularly assuming there might not be shared at some point. Anyway don't think OP will be back so hey ho, need to start dinner...

cerisepanther73 · 07/12/2023 18:48

Your reaction is totally valid, @Xelaharas

It's one thing to be OK about videoing yourself only to see in the intimacy of your own bedroom relantship, but it's something totally else,

to whithout your permission to invite the General public to secretly view yourself in that kind of situation,

it's totally dodgy off and Disrespectful,

there's laws about this intimacy abuse = revenge porn ect...

cerisepanther73 · 07/12/2023 18:49

Typo mistake too *

CatOnTheLap · 07/12/2023 18:50

HesAWankerOp · 07/12/2023 17:27

It’s a conversation you need to have with the police op.

Your username is very appropriate for this thread.

therealcookiemonster · 07/12/2023 18:51

utter twat. he has 0 respect for you. LTB immediately. and report to police.

millymog11 · 07/12/2023 18:53

"Why are women today unable to know wrong from right when it comes to porn? What are we teaching our daughters exactly?"

Whoever wrote this is, how can I put it? a little out of touch. Do you live in the dark ages?

I don't think you appreciate how much (mainly younger but in general) women are coerced into willingly joyfully and happily participating in porn which is all pervasive and ubiquitous throughout society.

Even something as innocuous as your boyfriend/husband saying "of course I watch porn every day so does every man on the planet don't be such a prude" is totally and completely normal for millions if not billions of young women to hear. And that is just accepting that your male partner is an active participant in/paying customer of porn on a day to day basis. Many women think much more grave and degrading things are perfectly normal and it is not because those women "don't know the difference between right and wrong".

Halfacnut · 07/12/2023 18:55

So your fiancé putting you on Pornhub merits a "monkey covering its laughing face" emoji.

Righto.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/12/2023 18:55

If this thread is for real then if you only do one thing Op, leave him. How could you ever trust him again?

Motnight · 07/12/2023 18:56

Interesting use of language,Op. You're hot! Have a 20/10 sex life! Concerned people have seen your derrière.

Hmm.

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 07/12/2023 18:56

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/12/2023 17:34

You say you didn't agree but did you actually refuse and tell him no when he talked about it? If you did then dump him and yes I would contact police however if you just laughed it off then possibly its a judgement error?

this is not how consent works.
OP, only the first five words of this are relevant. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experienced this. You sound remarkably upbeat at the moment, and more power to you for it. But you’ve experienced a massive violation, so if you need to crash, or be vulnerable at any point, please allow yourself to. If you are struggling to speak to anyone IRL, you can message me at any time.

batfink39 · 07/12/2023 18:58

HesAWankerOp · 07/12/2023 17:27

It’s a conversation you need to have with the police op.

Exactly this!

SparklingSparkle · 07/12/2023 18:59

Gosh he seems nice and this seems completely normal behaviour.
Personally I wouldn’t have posted on here I would have called the police even if I looked f*ing hot.

CaravaggiosCat · 07/12/2023 18:59

Leave the pig!

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 07/12/2023 19:00

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

can we please not do this. can we please not judge women in the heat of the moment for any way in which they choose to deal
with huge consent violations? everyone processes shock in different ways and just because someone is acting bright and breezy it doesn’t mean they haven’t been seriously impacted. Nobody owes you any sort of performance of your idea of victimhood.

IdealisticCynic · 07/12/2023 19:00

Can everyone lay off the OP for the way she wrote this? She’s in shock and she is processing something horrifying and new. She is the victim of a serious crime and you may think you know how you’d react in the same position, but you don’t really know. It is not at all unusual for victims of sexual crimes to blame themselves, make light of what happened, try to make jokes etc, while processing it all.

OP, I hope you read this. You have done nothing wrong with how you wrote it. You just need a bit of time. But if you feel able, you really must report him. Ask the police to consider seizing all his devices and see what is holding on them. I guarantee they’re not just on the lost mobile.

He may even have been making money off you on other sites too. He might have sent you this link to test the waters of whether he can get you to accept what he had done and push you into doing more, or even to do cam girl work etc. Basically to pimp you. It’s potentially a form of grooming.

For the love of god - actually, the love of yourself - leave him and never ever think that this is ok. No decent man who genuinely loved their fiancée and is worth marrying would behave like this.

Good luck OP.

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 07/12/2023 19:01

IdealisticCynic · 07/12/2023 19:00

Can everyone lay off the OP for the way she wrote this? She’s in shock and she is processing something horrifying and new. She is the victim of a serious crime and you may think you know how you’d react in the same position, but you don’t really know. It is not at all unusual for victims of sexual crimes to blame themselves, make light of what happened, try to make jokes etc, while processing it all.

OP, I hope you read this. You have done nothing wrong with how you wrote it. You just need a bit of time. But if you feel able, you really must report him. Ask the police to consider seizing all his devices and see what is holding on them. I guarantee they’re not just on the lost mobile.

He may even have been making money off you on other sites too. He might have sent you this link to test the waters of whether he can get you to accept what he had done and push you into doing more, or even to do cam girl work etc. Basically to pimp you. It’s potentially a form of grooming.

For the love of god - actually, the love of yourself - leave him and never ever think that this is ok. No decent man who genuinely loved their fiancée and is worth marrying would behave like this.

Good luck OP.

posted simultaneously but you said it 100 x better, thank you.

wudubelieveit · 07/12/2023 19:02

This has such serious consequences for you I don’t know here to start. I’m seriously hoping you’re not in a job where this could have implications for you.

DriftingDora · 07/12/2023 19:02

Lwrenagain · 07/12/2023 18:42

I hope no journos pick this up @Xelaharas.

Firstly, how are you? Shock/anger/sadness?

This will be a massively divisive thread soon and it'll probably explode and cause mayhem and be full of all cunty comments. I hope whatever you take away from this is that no matter how good the videos are, youre actually a victim of a sex crime.

I'd never speak to him again and go the police etc but you may not feel that is the right path for you.

What I will say is to anyone saying useful shit such as "embarrassing", op isn't the first or last victim in this kind crime. Be helpful or fuck off.

Number 1: jog on with your 'be helpful or..' comment - when did you become the thread police? People say what they wish within reason, especially if something has holes in it like a Swiss cheese. You don't get to run a dictatorship.

Number 2: OP has side-stepped every comment about going to the police. I wonder why, when she's using block caps to demonstrate how upset she is?

Decimbir · 07/12/2023 19:03

If he has any videos or photos with your face I think you have to go to the police to protect yourself. He’s shown that he has no regard for your boundaries, so whatever he has he is likely to upload somewhere at some point. If he doesn’t he could still associate your personal details with the videos without your face showing. So I’d really go to the police if I were you. Sorry he’s done this to you.

AngelAurora · 07/12/2023 19:07

Newgolddream70 · 07/12/2023 17:48

Another made up thread which will no doubt be zapped ....

Exactly, brings the traffic in thou. So obvious.

tachycardigan · 07/12/2023 19:07

Yeah right, so angry that your using the twee monkey covering eyes emoji? Pfff.

1/10.

YNK · 07/12/2023 19:08

This is a very serious offence!

I left my first DH for threatening to share intimate photos.

Some years later he was jailed (6y) for sex offenses against a child.
I wish I'd gone to the police - it might have avoided harm to others.