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Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
Howmuchtohireahitman · 07/12/2023 07:13

FeetupTvon · 07/12/2023 07:10

Going against the grain here.
I was 23 when I met my 34 year old partner.
I had a son, he had 2 children.
We went on to have a child together.
25 years later and we are happy, secure and living our best lives.

This is a completely different situation. In your case you both had children so we're both in the same place in your life. OP has the opportunity to do whatever she wants without the burden of children. She can choose where she wants to live (not relative to someone else's ex or kids school), she can jet off on holiday on a whim.

mumedu · 07/12/2023 07:14

Avoid this situation. You are too young to be dealing with his baggage. He might not want any more children in the future.

Rewis · 07/12/2023 07:14

I wouldn't get involved with a freshly divorced single dad. Let alone one that insignificant older. Some type of fuckbuddy maybe if he was hot. But actual relationship where I'd be a step-mum at 24 and having to deal with all that comes with it and an ex-wife? Nope.

Vettrianofan · 07/12/2023 07:15

Run for those hills and don't look back! There's a reason he's divorced.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 07:18

Should I be avoiding this ?

Yes.

Why do you think he's not looking for a woman his age with her own kids?

These men are vampires. They see your youth and your life before you and they want to suck it out for themselves, with you as live-in nanny, domestic appliance and sex machine rather than have you live it.

You have no idea how young you are. Run. What's his attraction anyway?

PatientlyIWait · 07/12/2023 07:19

Hi! I see alot of people mentioning the age gap is wrong which I don't really agree with. I was 23 when I started my relationship with my now husband who was 36. We're now married and expecting our first child. I have always been mature for my age and he didn't have children, so we had a 6 years of going out dating, dancing, holidays etc before we decided to start a family. If he had of had kids already and an ex he would be extricably tied to it would of been a different story to be honest!!

It's not so much the age but the life experiences you have had and the life experiences you will have the opportunity of experiencing going forward. Like other posters have said, are you ready to be a step parent?

Good luck x

Epidote · 07/12/2023 07:20

Agree with PP I wouldn't. You are too young.

Starseeking · 07/12/2023 07:22

At 24, you would be insane to involve yourself in this sort of situation; there's absolutely no reason or need for you to do so.

Move on and find a single man with no DC around your own age to have fun with, and build a life together with.

Buddhabobby · 07/12/2023 07:22

The thing is, posters have mentioned feelings and it's easy to get swept up in those. I suspect you already are.

But in the cold light of day, feelings simply aren't enough in a situation like this.

You may think you're in love with him and it will work out, but that's a one dimensional view when going into a step parent situation. He may have feelings for you, but he will also (hopefully) love his children more. So in the emotional pecking order you're already No 4, which is as it should be. But at your age why should you be? It's an entirely different situation if you have kids and you're coming into this on an equal footing of understanding the setup, but you're not.

Every decision made going forward that will effect your life will be shaped by the emotional pecking order and if it isn't, then he's not a good dad.

You also realistically don't know what his ex is like or how she will react. She could make your life an utter misery by controlling your relationship through the kids if he's not strong enough to stand up to her. Just go and read the step parent board.

I've been a step parent for nearly 20 years and it's a hard path. Find someone to build a new path with, don't compromise your life.

Also, I'm guessing if you met him at work, he's senior to you? think about that power dynamic carefully.

jemenfous37 · 07/12/2023 07:23

OP has only responded to 1 post, and that was asking how a PPs experience worked out.
I would bet that this relationship will go ahead despite the warnings here.
Watch out for the 'woe is me, I've wasted my life...' post in a few years

Iizzyb · 07/12/2023 07:25

To add to other pp's just think about how old he will be when you're 50 - you won't see it as much at the moment but it will be huge then x

GreyCarpet · 07/12/2023 07:26

My son is 25, single ad child free.

I wouldn't want him to take up with a divorcee with 3 children.

I had him when I was 24 and I still wouldn't have taken up with a man 14 years older with 3 children. Too old and too many restrictions on your life.

Bertiesmum3 · 07/12/2023 07:30

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2023 21:51

No, no, no, no op. Please no. There is no DECENT 38 yr old on earth who would have anything to do with a 24 yr old.

You do not want to be a step mum to 3 - closer to the eldest as age than his? That child would not like you. No, no, no, no op. Run.

yep!
no decent 38 year old, that sounds like my ex Sil, the people he is now trying to have relationships with are getting younger, all early 20’s, no children, no commitments, obviously he’s picking and choosing when he sees his children because he’s too busy clubbing trying to impress young women!!

Benibidibici · 07/12/2023 07:35

Jesus you are 24 you can 100% do better

Dwrcegin · 07/12/2023 07:38

OP save yourself. Live child free and travel the world. Do not waste the best years of your life dealing with the fall out/baggage of his divorce, his ex, his possible expectation of you babysitting his kids all the time. As a PP said, he is divorced for a reason.

Do all your 'firsts' with someone with less baggage.

billy1966 · 07/12/2023 07:38

A newly divorced meets a young single woman🙄

Where have I read that before?

Skivvy aupair is what you are most likely being recruited for.

You will bitterly regret waating your precious 20's looking after someone else's children.

Your poor parents having to watch you mess your life up and realise the bitter regret you will feel when you mature and cop on a bit.

The work involved with looking after 3 children is eye-watering.

Every decision going forward in this relationship will be made with the children as a priority.

What a complete waste of your life.

Good luck if you insist on learning this the hard way.

ladycardamom · 07/12/2023 07:38

I had a relationship with the exact same age gap and family situation many years ago. I loved the boyfriend. We were together for a few years. In the end, it didn't work, I didn't want a step family. Looking back, it was too much for me at that age, and I would advise my younger self to avoid, avoid, avoid. It's probably my big regret that i got involved. Sorry, it's hard.

Goodas91 · 07/12/2023 07:38

My mum was 21 when she met my dad who was 30 and divorced with 2 kids. Her parents weren’t happy as there was also a race issue to contend with. They’ve now been together for almost 50 years and had 2 kids so it can work

Hattie89 · 07/12/2023 07:40

A cousin’s friend had a similar age gap when she was in her twenties. No kids though and they never went on to have any together actually! It was initially like she was living out a bit of a fantasy, if that’s your thing: dating this older guy who has experience so knew what he was doing and could afford to take her out to nice places. It was refreshing after dating lots of immature early twenty somethings. But they got married and it wasn’t just a fling. Now, she’s mid forties and they have an open marriage as he has erectile dysfunction and isn’t interested that much in sex anymore. Worth considering that you could very well be in different chapters of your life as you get older too - if you feel like he’s your soulmate or something and that things are perfect now, despite three kids in tow.

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 07:41

I’m absolutely in the RUN camp. You do not need to take this shit on. No man is worth it.

FFF3 · 07/12/2023 07:42

I get the feeling OP isn’t going to listen to a word…. Please take on board every one of the comments here that say run run run. They have the life experience you don’t. This will be a total disaster. You do not want to take on three kids at 24…. You will indeed be the new nanny.

FFF3 · 07/12/2023 07:43

Also you don’t realise how precious your 20’s are until they’re gone!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/12/2023 07:50

Oh op, don’t, just don’t. Sooooo many red flags - you are young, and you just do not need the aggro and grief. Listen to the wise MNetters who have been through it - find a man without this level of baggage.

Buddhabobby · 07/12/2023 07:51

Goodas91 · 07/12/2023 07:38

My mum was 21 when she met my dad who was 30 and divorced with 2 kids. Her parents weren’t happy as there was also a race issue to contend with. They’ve now been together for almost 50 years and had 2 kids so it can work

These stories are great, but they are very much in the minority. As a mother, I wonder if deep down your mum would have wanted the same for you. Maybe, maybe not. But I'm guessing her life came with a whole lot of compromise and stress that you didn't know. Kids have one view of their parents marriage that isn't necessarily the whole picture.

Not saying she has regretted her choices but wanting the same for your daughter, that's a different thing.

CountryShepherd · 07/12/2023 07:54

My brother and his wife have a similar age gap, although she was mid thirties when they met. He was recently divorced, 3 boys and a very bitter ex-wife (she had an affair whilst pregnant with the youngest).

She has been a wonderful sensitive stepmum to his DS's, they adore her and they now have their own baby DD and but my elderly DP's often comment to me that she's off shopping again, buying expensive skin care, seeing her single friends, staying away for work, whilst he's cooking for his DS's etc and putting the washing on.

He is a great committed dad and he is very appreciative of her. I always tell my DP's that she took on a very complex situation and he's bloody lucky and to cut her some slack but reading all these responses has really made me understand how much she has done, against the odds.