Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 07/12/2023 07:57

My advice= 🏃‍♀️

Picklemeyellow · 07/12/2023 07:58

If my dd (or ds) come to me in their early 20’s to say they have entered a relationship with someone older who has dc I would weep and weep.

When my dsis met my BIL he came with 5 dc. My dsis has no dc of her own and her life has been such such hard work with 5 step children, all with issues and now they are adults those issues are amplified and the ex-wife from hell hasn’t helped the situation at all.

And on a side note, as someone who is now 50 I can tell you that many men become grumpy and set in their ways in their 40’s and 50’s, do you really want to be a young woman in her mid 30’s with a middle aged man and 3 SC (and maybe dc of your own by then)?

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 07:59

I hope the OP doesn’t listen to the small number of positive stories on here.

Instead she should recognise that she’s worried about telling her family because she knows it’s a terrible idea.

She’ll probably be along on the stepparenting board in a bit totally overwhelmed and gaslighted into thinking that she’s a bad person for resenting being stuck as nanny/housekeeper (but still having to pay half the bills - or more, because he’s got all that maintenance to pay, poor lamb) for a middle aged man who disney dad’s his children and undermines and scapegoats her if she attempts to set any boundaries.

Even the fact he keeps asking her if she’s ok with it is a red flag. How can she possibly know what it’ll actually be like? Then when she realises, he’ll tell her she knew what she was getting in to. He did ask repeatedly.

Tiredofthiss · 07/12/2023 08:00

Just don't. Feelings come and go. Think back to ex's you had. There are some you will be like why on earth did I give them the time of day. This will be one of those..

Have you met his 3 kids? If it's just been you and him it's easy to have rose tinted glasses on but give it time and it will be a situation of always working around his kids. The drama of that, seeing him get emotional over his ex and you constantly feeling second best. You are a rebound to a man who probably right now has a bruised ego. The age gap is gross I'm going to say it.

I don't care what people will say to that. You are practically just out of your teens really and he is nearly 40. You are just at that stage where you feel like an adult doing adult living ect whether you want to hear it or not there is a power balance.

He is asking what your family and friends will think as it's easy for people outside to see through all this.

Sure some people go on to live together forever but really at 24 in your prime you are going to settle for a man much older with this much baggage being second best to the life he has already created.

Yeah no just don't girl. I'm 30 now and my 20s went so quickly it's such a crucial time for finding a life partner and starting a family and career.

LemonLimeDivine · 07/12/2023 08:03

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

My family and friends loved my (now) DH but weren’t keen on his situation and kept asking whether I was sure.
When the stress kicked in from his ex and issues with the kids behaviour (didn’t take long), they were then all honest with me and admitted they didn’t think it was a good idea but didn’t want to say anything. If a friend or relative of mine now said they were going to take on someone else’s kids, I’d have a serious chat with them.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 07/12/2023 08:05

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 21:46

How recently divorced are we talking?

He sounds insecure. If I was 24 I don't know if I'd bother with someone 14 yrs older than me, freshly divorced with two kids.

exactly - and this chap has 3 kids!

AVOID! like the plague, you have a whole life to live without getting into the nitty gritty of children yet.

Go out, have fun and dont get bogged down in the 'stepmom' role

Tiredofthiss · 07/12/2023 08:06

Ah god just seen she posted how did people's parents take it. I just hope they don't get defensive and just stay calm and wait for it to fizzle out.

Look you know it's wrong if you are scared to tell your parents. You should be proud of your partner and want to show them off. But I'm guessing you have been a secret with work relationship and his recent divorce.

Men just can't deal with emotions so they rebound onto someone straight away.
Put it this way he loved a woman so much they had three kids together a life and within months he is over her and interested in a younger woman.

I guarantee he will repeat this cycle and you'll get to 30 and find he's talking to someone at work..

Inastatus · 07/12/2023 08:10

‘Should I be avoiding this?’ YES you should!

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 07/12/2023 08:10

He's newly divorced (why did he divorce?) and on the rebound. His DC will be struggling with all the changes. How much of an age gap is there between you and his kids?
I think it's too soon. Stick with fwb for now if you want to, and he can hire a nanny -because you shouldn't become his default childcare when they're with him.

NonSequentialRhubarb · 07/12/2023 08:10

I'm 33 with a child of my own, and would say he's at the top end of my age preferences and three kids would put me right off. And that's considering I'm already living a kid-friendly lifestyle so would be sacrificing far less than you.

No way on Earth I'd be taking on that many burdens in my early twenties when I had a lifestyle of total freedom and plenty of opportunity to find better.

Aikko · 07/12/2023 08:12

My opinion, don't get yourself involved with this man.
He's 14 years older and has 3 children? It will be a LOT of hard work for you, and only end it tears. I suspect his eyes will wander as you get older as well.

Life it too short for all that shit. Find yourself a nice single man closer to your own age, and without all the baggage.

DonnaYouAreAStar · 07/12/2023 08:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LE987 · 07/12/2023 08:16

I was in the same exact situation, 11 years age gap, not going to lie it’s been hard, we’ve been together 7 years though and generally very happy and have a child together now.

Thing is I think I am the exception and certainly not the rule, please don’t waste your 20s, the ex makes our lives absolutely hell at times as she is unfortunately still bitter even though she was the one who cheated and decided to end the relationship, she uses the children to control my DH all the time and I know it makes him and the children miserable. There are so many downsides.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 07/12/2023 08:17

I married a man 3 years older than me with no children. We had a beautiful wedding, bought a house, had weekend lie-ins and brunches and tropical holidays and a lovely life. We were both so excited about our first baby because it was a first baby for both of us. This man has already done all these things and had 3 children to boot. Why on earth would you take this on when you have your whole life ahead of you and enough time to find somebody you can make firsts with instead of putting up with sometimes resentful stepchildren and an ex-wife in the background and a rapidly aging spouse. You might not think it matters now, the age difference, but it will matter in the future.

Cwtshcwtsh · 07/12/2023 08:17

Run. Fly. Skate. Paddleboard. Anything. You can do so much better than all that baggage. I married a man 14 years older with two SDCs. Suffice to say it didn’t work out. Start with as little baggage as you can. Life gets complicated enough by itself.

Buddhabobby · 07/12/2023 08:18

Reading this thread has really got me thinking what would I do in this situation if this were my daughter?

My DD is currently sat next door eating her porridge and watching Harry Potter, and thinking about this happening to her breaks my heart. All those dreams, aspirations and life she is full of would just fade away to be replaced by the needs, wants and demands of a man, his ex and their children. For what? so everyone can say what a nice person she is to be so supportive of everyone else. Screw that! I want her to be the leading lady in her own life!

So if this happens and she asks me what I think, I will honestly and gently tell her I think it's a really bad idea because she's compromising herself on all levels. I will not fall out with her over it but I would make my feelings clear because too often in life we're afraid to speak up when someone asks us what we think and I love her too much to risk not being honest with her.

I'm a step mum so I can speak from experience how hard it is and the realities people don't talk about.

WelshDaffodil · 07/12/2023 08:19

You may like him OP, but you can get to like someone else. Throw this one back, it's not worth it.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 08:20

I'll get flak for this but I know a few of these long term couples with large age gaps and both insisting it's amazing. Ok, that's what they say, but I wouldn't like to be in a single one of them myself. I'm 40 and this seems to be about where the older men start to REALLY get older and the age gap is REALLY showing...just being "mature" won't cut it, and the childcare burden is insane because these men don't have the energy to do what little they were doing before, with any of them.

Nobody admits this because they know what people think and so they have to make it look like it's a perfect love story and nobody else understands, whatever. I don't want to be unkind so I won't go into details but honestly, let's just say I'm glad my husband is basically my age with my energy, fitness and youth levels. Yes I know someone's going to claim their older man runs marathons and climbs mountains and lasts all night. Whatever.

Don't do it, OP. Pursue rich or established men if you must but dear God don't waste your amazing 20s on a middle aged dude with three kids. I KNOW that's not the best you can do by simple virtue of the fact you're in your 20s.

NoraBattysCurlers · 07/12/2023 08:20

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a 38, divorced man with three children, is in great need of a free childminder and housekeeper with benefits.

If you can also move in full-time and pay the rent, than all the better. If you have children of your own, you will have to support and care for them on your own as he is already maxed out with three children.

LemonLimeDivine · 07/12/2023 08:23

“Think of Mumsnet as the ghost of Christmas yet to come. You have been warned!”

Love this @Buddhabobby 👏

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 08:23

As a small aside, I don't think getting with a significantly older man is a sign of maturity. Quite the opposite...

EmmyLemmyHemmy · 07/12/2023 08:25

Yuck- agree with previous posters, surely no self respecting 38 year old can be interested in a 24 year old……..I’d be questioning why he can’t sustain a relationship with someone his own age, an equal…….

ElAmerico · 07/12/2023 08:25

Absolutely don't, this creep is using you.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 07/12/2023 08:26

Run for the hills. The fact you are even contemplating this means you have no idea of the problems and issues that could arise for you.

Tiredofthiss · 07/12/2023 08:26

She's going to have blinkers on. At that age emotions just govern us. Aw man I really hope she doesn't waste her 20s on this guy. I really don't see him as having great morals.

Can you imagine ladies having three kids with a guy then ending the relationship and getting with a young guy in his early 20s a few months later at work for a serious relationship. 🥴

He does not make good life decisions and he will mess you up more likely than make your life great that's a fact.

Him being older and experienced probably sounds a bit sexy to you now but that will fade so.quickly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread