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Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
SauronsArsehole · 07/12/2023 05:00

Noicant · 07/12/2023 04:29

If a 24yr old bloke at the start of his life was talking about a 38yr old woman with 3 kids I’d say the same.

Show quote history

Quite! And let’s be honest though. The scenarios are often different. A 38yo woman with kids often has all the shit together in terms of looking after then and is looking for escape rather than a step parent ime.

as I’m in my late 30s the idea of a younger man without kids is appealing. I don’t want a man with kids, mine is almost out the nest and I’m looking forward to that.

I wouldn’t want him to do any child related stuff and would keep them entirely separate.

the men in their 30s with kids I’ve dated were all too pushy to try to get me to meet their kids. I bailed. Too soon. And I’m not going to play step mum to your kids.

I want adult relationship, some decent sex, convo be company. No kids need be involved in that for quite some time.

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/12/2023 05:00

If you take age difference and kids out of the equation, do you think that him being newly divorced and wanting to get straight into finding/starting a new relationship is a bit of a red flag?

Some people jump from relationship to relationship quickly and they’re usually not great dating material. Because they are either viewing people as easily replaceable or they are just using someone as a rebound relationship until they find someone that they really want to commit to.

Sugargliderwombat · 07/12/2023 05:06

You are in totally different seasons of your life. I wouldn't go down this path.

user1477391263 · 07/12/2023 05:06

I really wouldn’t. Unless you are very committed to having a short term fling that does NOT turn into anything else, AND he is 100% okay with this too.

The fact that he is mentioning this to you again and again and asking if you are OK with this suggests to me that he is also uncomfortable with this situation and is gently trying to ward you off - consciously or subconsciously. If he is looking for a long-term relationship, I also think you should not risk wasting his time with a relationship that is unlikely to go anywhere, and has a high risk of breaking up if you do try and turn it into something long-term.

People will say “Oooh, men can have children at any age!!” But in my experience, they mostly don’t, actually (don’t usually have children past their early 40s, that is). I know a couple of couples where the man was significantly older than the woman, about 10 years in these cases, and in both cases the man’s age became a hard time-limiter on being able to have children. You know, “Part of me would love to have another child especially since I’d love a daughter, and I’m only 36 so I do have time, but my husband is 46 and he says he’s just past the age when he wants to have kids as he does not want a teenager when he is 60 years old.” If you go for this relationship, your partner will be at this point before you know it.

And don’t even get me started on the step mum thing with THREE children. As PP say, go on the step parents’ board and ask the same question!

Olika · 07/12/2023 05:08

I think you should enjoy your twenties and live your life experiencing the world. Don't waste those years away.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 07/12/2023 05:08

I'd think very, very carefully about this.
At 24 you are young, and could be living a relatively care free life.
Being nailed down to a man just about to hit his 40s with 3 kids ...is a lot of work, and hassle. I say this is a wife of a 38 year old with 3 kids. I'd be concerned about how much responsibility you will be roped into when he has his kids, and if he's already got health issues creeping in. I'm not being mean here, but my DH is starting to fall apart already!
Where does this leave you, if you want kids? I know from DHs perspective, if we divorced tomorrow, no more children are on the horizon for him. He said 2 felt like enough, 3 is his hard limit.

I'm just thinking, you're going into a situation with 3 kids, if you want babies of your own, then there's more to unpack with him, and then he's going to hit old age 14 years before you, so by mid 50s you may end up caring for him. MIL is 14 years younger than FIL, and has been dealing with a lot of care for him since she was in her 50s. Now early 60s -FIL is 76 and he is dealing with cancer, heart failure, alzheimers and he can barely hear a word. All of her friends with husband in closer age are in much better health.

Unless this man is the absolute love of your life, and you cannot live without him, I wouldn't recommend it.

hattie43 · 07/12/2023 05:10

titchy · 06/12/2023 21:47

Oh god you're way too young for this sort of baggage. Find someone else nearer your own age.

This .

user1477391263 · 07/12/2023 05:12

Posted too soon, but it would be in this guy’s best interests, if he really wants to date right now, to form a low pressure relationship with a woman who has her own children already meaning that there is no pressure for the relationship to “advance” in any way, and just enjoy companionship occasionally while maintaining separate households until their respective children are older.

My friend who is divorced essentially does this - dates a guy (who is also divorced with kids) but keeps him separate from her household and children while enjoying a nice dinner/drinks/film with the guy sometimes. I think this is much wiser than trying to mix households - that kind of thing can always be considered as an option when the kids are much older.

With a 24yo young lady with no children, he’s going to feel the pressure on to turn this in to a proper “Relationship!!!” with moving-in and engagement and long-term plans so that he does not feel like he is wasting your time either. It could be unsettling and stressful for his children and create a very difficult situation for them as well as for you.

I suspect he senses this too and feels a bit guilty and anxious, which is why he is constantly asking you if you are really OK with this.

HomeEducatingMama · 07/12/2023 05:15

Run.
No decent man would want someone that much younger than him.
I say this as a 29 year old with a man 14 years older than me that I’ve been with since 18 and I’m totally financially stuck.
It’s either leave, struggle, totally impact children’s lives, routines etc. Or stay and keep my children’s lives stable. Which is what I’m doing. Hoping to leave when the baby is a teenager.
Dont waste time on this old man. Or like me, you may end up an old woman yourself before you can leave.

madamovaries · 07/12/2023 05:16

I had a similar relationship when I was 24 - he was even older (42) but with only one child. So this is said with both understanding and hopefully a smidge of wisdom - don’t settle for this. It’s complicated, messy and you are likely to regret it (I regret wasting time on him).

Am now happily married to a wonderful man who came with no such complications! So so much better

lauribec · 07/12/2023 05:22

I’m 30 with 3 kids and wouldn’t look twice at a 24 year old. Just sounds like a whole lot of baggage when you should be out there living your life! I can’t imagine his ex wife would be best impressed either, possibly making your life harder. Break away before things get too complicated.

LargeSquareRock · 07/12/2023 05:24

He needs a free live in nanny.

wiseoldcat · 07/12/2023 05:30

I am with someone a decade older than me, but he didn't have kids, and I was closer to 30 when we got together.

In your situation, I would not get involved, even if you really like him, the downsides of 3 kids and just divorced are too much.

You can have so much more at your age - don't waste it.

wiseoldcat · 07/12/2023 05:32

You also need to think about why he wants to be with you. He has so much more life experience than you - why doesn't he want someone closer to him in age and experience?

It could be innocent but chances are that he likes the power dynamic with you being much younger. Is that something you really want? He could also be rebounding from his marriage and just looking for someone younger/ more attractive. Will you really be his equal in this relationship?

notmorezoom · 07/12/2023 05:36

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

That should be a hint as to why it's a bad idea - if the people who love you would disagree. Run away from this one.

Bananalanacake · 07/12/2023 05:36

What's wrong with dating him, she doesn't have to meet his DC if she doesn't want to. When I was 25 I dated an older man with 2 teens, I had no intention of ever meeting them or living with him.

wiseoldcat · 07/12/2023 05:40

Bananalanacake · 07/12/2023 05:36

What's wrong with dating him, she doesn't have to meet his DC if she doesn't want to. When I was 25 I dated an older man with 2 teens, I had no intention of ever meeting them or living with him.

There's nothing 'wrong' with it per se, but I guess the advice is that OP might not be as happy in the long term as she would with someone less complicated.

Young people looking for a serious relationship in their 20's usually want high commitment and ideally not having to be a nanny/ housekeeper.

I don't think either of those things are likely in this relationship.

It's not that she can't date him - of course she can and it might be great. THey might have a wonderful connection.

But long term, practically, it's hard to see this as a fulfilling option rather than someone her own age without kids.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/12/2023 05:49

Avoid. Too much baggage for you at your age.

notacooldad · 07/12/2023 06:03

The age gap isn't a big deal for me. It's being divorced and having three kids thats the problem.
Way too much to be getting involved with.

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 06:08

No way. Run fast. Nothing to do with the age, if he had no kids it would be perfect but with 3 kids who will likely be young, no way would I entertain that.

Celticdawn5 · 07/12/2023 06:18

I lived and am living that situation. Honestly. DO NOT get involved.
if I had my time again it would be definitely a ‘NO’

ApintofwhatFarageishaving · 07/12/2023 06:25

When you are 38 he will be 52

He's looking for childcare...

Scottishgirl85 · 07/12/2023 06:31

I'm 38 with 3 kids. There is no way I'd have anything in common with a 24 year old. Run.

Buddhabobby · 07/12/2023 06:33

This moment is a fork in the path of your life. One way lies a life of choice, independence and personal autonomy. The other, a life of stress, drudgery, subservience and unending compromise. Choose wisely.

Think of Mumsnet as the ghost of Christmas yet to come. You have been warned!

autienotnaughty · 07/12/2023 06:36

Why would you? There's just a lot of baggage there that's not yours.