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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 07/12/2023 08:26

You are going to meet masses of men in your life - don't saddle yourself with unnecessary obstacles.

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 08:29

NoraBattysCurlers · 07/12/2023 08:20

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a 38, divorced man with three children, is in great need of a free childminder and housekeeper with benefits.

If you can also move in full-time and pay the rent, than all the better. If you have children of your own, you will have to support and care for them on your own as he is already maxed out with three children.

Indeed.

There is a good reason people are horrified at the thought.

Then there’s the having your life dictated in all sorts of ways by the choices and preferences of the exW - even more so if he’s one of those divorced men who would rather upset his current partner than his ex.

That’s not even without the exW being in any way malicious, btw. It’s just that the contact schedule will start to dictate everything. Do you want your Christmas dictated by this every year, for example? And her parenting choices will manifest in your house in various ways. There’s no way around it.

If she’s angry and resentful… multiply the effect of living your whole life in the ongoing shadow of their (failed) marriage.

PiddleOfPuppies · 07/12/2023 08:29

It's telling that most of the positive stories are about people the poster knows, rather than from a personal perspective - you never know what really happens behind closed doors and I'd never presume that anyone was in a happy relationship from the snapshot I saw.

Stepchildren aside, the age gap would ring alarm bells alone. I'm 49 and am really enjoying my career, travelling and the freedom to come and go now the children are older. Being married to a man in his 60s holds no appeal - he'd be winding down to retire while I've got another 20 years to work. He'd be in his 80s when I retire. The age gap won't improve over time and you'll need to consider how it might impact your own lifestyle in the future.

Aikko · 07/12/2023 08:31

EmmyLemmyHemmy · 07/12/2023 08:25

Yuck- agree with previous posters, surely no self respecting 38 year old can be interested in a 24 year old……..I’d be questioning why he can’t sustain a relationship with someone his own age, an equal…….

I think it's pretty obvious why he's interested..., but OP should throw this one back. She can do so much better.

Kaltenzahn · 07/12/2023 08:33

No no no no no no no

OP this was my exact situation 3 years ago. Don't go there. Worst two years of my life.

millymog11 · 07/12/2023 08:34

Not read the whole thread but I have read the OP.
There might be others on Mumsnet who are very much in favour of large age gap relationships who disagree with me but I would say from what I have observed that in large age gap relationships where the woman is younger, and irrespective of the mitigating circumstances (eg the man in question has a lot of money - does this 38 year old have a lot of money OP? or is he able to pull strings for you professionally etc?) - that even taking those other factors into account it is always the younger woman who pays the higher price for these relationships and the older men always do far better out of them.
Run.

Channellingsophistication · 07/12/2023 08:38

My friend dated a guy who had his DCs every wknd. One time (after driving 3 hours to get to his house) he went out with his friends and left her babysitting! Needless to say relationship didnt last.

Halfacnut · 07/12/2023 08:40

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

And this is the only thing you're wondering, despite acres of posts advising you to run a mile?

Here's another piece of advice: run a mile.

dottiedodah · 07/12/2023 08:41

I think he is too old for you.14 years and 3 kids ,hes at a different life stage .Even the most friendly divorces can be difficult to negotiate. 20 somethings are (rightly so) wanting a close RL with a partner,so EOW and holidays with his DC will be on the cards.If you have another baby thats a whole new world to navigate .You have to "share" him .I would not get involved in this situation

Howmuchtohireahitman · 07/12/2023 08:46

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 08:29

Indeed.

There is a good reason people are horrified at the thought.

Then there’s the having your life dictated in all sorts of ways by the choices and preferences of the exW - even more so if he’s one of those divorced men who would rather upset his current partner than his ex.

That’s not even without the exW being in any way malicious, btw. It’s just that the contact schedule will start to dictate everything. Do you want your Christmas dictated by this every year, for example? And her parenting choices will manifest in your house in various ways. There’s no way around it.

If she’s angry and resentful… multiply the effect of living your whole life in the ongoing shadow of their (failed) marriage.

Show quote history

And the exH shacking up with someone so much younger always goes down well with the exW. 🙄

Viviennemary · 07/12/2023 08:46

It sounds selfish but I think it depends on how much involvement he has with his children. If it's a lot I wouldn't get involved but if it isn't I might. But there is no reason to think this is a life-time relationship at this stage.

MrsTwatInAHat · 07/12/2023 08:47

This has happened with one of my dc friends’ dads. 2 kids, divorce, soon shacks up with a younger woman. She’s lovely, and I really feel for her. She’s left looking after his kids (and dog) all the time. The kids love her, so now she’s tied in and it will be harder for her if she does want to leave. They got married in very minimal, low key wedding - of course maybe that’s what she wanted, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was more his idea as he’s been through it all already and he’s not bothered. Meanwhile he’s a heavy drinker and ageing much faster than her. I don’t know if she wants kids but she could easily end up as ex wife no 2 if she has kids and then it happens again.

I know you said you like him OP but you don’t want to end up like this in your 20s. So many men in this situation find a new woman immediately because they can’t cope without a housekeeper. And it’s not great for the kids of a recent divorce to have a new woman involved so soon. If I were you I’d either just leave it, or just shag him on a no-strings basis.

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 08:50

Run like the damn wind.

Christ almighty, his extensive baggage will ruin your life.

Ohnanawhatsyourname · 07/12/2023 08:50

Have you got comfy trainers? Grab those, put them on and run.

It’s not that he’s got kids BUT sounds recently broken up, massive age gap and is asking about everyone being ok with this… sounds like he quickly wants to substitute you into his life to replace the ex and carry on as before. Like..any normal relationship, get to know each other more first? This is heavy and low quality stuff.

theDudesmummy · 07/12/2023 08:52

The kids may or may not be an issue. The age certainly is. A big age gap like that might be OK later in life but not at 24, you are too young for this to be a good idea.

Thegoldenlion · 07/12/2023 08:58

Someone on another thread talked about a newly divorced man with kids looking for “a nanny with a fanny”.

At 24 you’re far too young to waste the best years of your life spending a good deal of your spare time being a step mum.

trunkler · 07/12/2023 08:58

I am not a step parent but I have friends who are. You are 24, you do not need this kind of baggage, you want to be able to just go away for a weekend/holiday without checking if it is the weekend he has the children, have lovely lie ins without children needing their Dad to get up and look after them.

Just read the step parenting board on this site to open your eyes to what you are letting yourself in for. If you want children it will not be his first he has been there and done that 3 times over. You would have a new born and then another 3 children in the house.

Find someone else, anyone else. Yes he might be lovely although I would question why he would want someone so much younger than him and no doubt part of it is where you will do lots of things to make him happy like taking over the role of a parent in the house. Seriously, step parenting board to see what your life potentially becomes. Find someone else.

MsRosley · 07/12/2023 09:01

The sad thing is OP is unlikely to take a blind bit of notice of any of the warnings here.

Whiskeypowers · 07/12/2023 09:02

You are as naive and dim as he hopes you are if you get involved with this man.

thebabessavedme · 07/12/2023 09:02

Run! Apart from anything else this man is risking his childrens happiness and sense of stability. He is old enough to know that you are too young to take on 3 step children but he is still happy to consider it. This is where you have to grow up OP, as he won't, please put his children first, do not enter their lives, become close and then realise he is not for you.

Fimofriend · 07/12/2023 09:02

I have heard about too many young women who quickly found out he was mainly dating them to avoid having to parent his kids. He is dating someone your age because someone his age knows it is a major red flag if he wants to introduce you to his kids before you have been dating for at least half a year.

AInightingale · 07/12/2023 09:02

Why is he divorced? Have you got the real story about why the marriage failed? What issues are lurking in the background? Do you have any mutual acquaintances who can fill you in on this? Do not take his version of events without challenge. My ex is an addict and a deadbeat father who has hooked up with a woman 20 years younger, I really don't envy her.

Mirabai · 07/12/2023 09:03

Hello rebound.

He’s looking for a free housekeeper and nanny. Is that what you want to do with your life? If it is I would suggest you at least get paid.

Paddington98 · 07/12/2023 09:05

My close friend was in exactly this situation and wasted 7 years of her life trying to make it work. She’s now mid thirties desperately trying to find someone to settle with and have a baby before it’s too late. Don’t do it.

WitchyWitcherson · 07/12/2023 09:05

Don't do it! My step mum moved in when she was 24 and my dad was 40. She was very quickly relegated to, as a PP put it, a "nanny with a fanny" which I took exception to (since she moved in so quickly after my parents split and I didn't want a replacement mum, I would have liked my dad to step in more but he had lots of very busy "man stuff" to be getting on with).

She did NOT have the maturity or experience (or instinct) to deal with a child that wasn't her own and I believe it severely affected her already poor mental health. The arguments were constant and she made my life miserable (although I do believe she was pretty miserable herself, so I don't hold resentment ). To top it off, when I was a teenager she started having affairs and then one weekend moved out whilst he was at a festival. It was a miserable marriage and I think she wasted 20 years of her life - we were all miserable.