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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

134 replies

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:03

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 06/12/2023 19:05

Because he’s a moody person. Do you want to live like this?

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:08

Yeah it does seem that way doesn't it? It's confusing & immature too...

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 06/12/2023 19:14

It’s only been three months. You can easily cut your losses. Get out while the getting’s good.

category12 · 06/12/2023 19:16

At three months, it's very early for him to saying stuff like he wants a future with you and no-one else = red flag.

And now he's gone cold on you = likely the beginning of hot & cold treatment.

The woeful break-up story is also a red flag imo as it's setting you up for tolerating bullshit about his past relationship, him comparing you with his ex, being his should to cry on about his ex, being awkward about normal relationship milestones because it reminds him of his previous relationship. Ugh. If he's not over his past relationship, he shouldn't be dating - it's often just a handy excuse to get the new girlfriend to put up with nonsense.

Don't ask yourself what you've done, when you know you've done nothing wrong. Ask yourself what he gets out of being a dick.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 06/12/2023 19:18

Read about love bombing and see if it rings any bells. Sounds like he’s very declarative of intense feelings early on. He’s not been single for long and he’s already taking about a future with you..then suddenly he’s gone cold. I’d guess he’s either been triggered by something (that someone said, text that he received) or he’s trying to see how affectionate you are and how far he can push you. Either way it’s 🚩 territory.

CharlotteRose90 · 06/12/2023 19:23

Maybe he’s going through something or feeling down . You never know . Leave it a couple days and see what happens

everybluesock · 06/12/2023 19:25

And just like that, you've found out the likely reason his previous relationship ended. 3 months isn't a big investment. I'd move on if I were you.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:25

We've known each other for 10 years & we used to like each other back then forgot to add that, sorry guys...
We used to see each other, flirting kissing etc back.then..

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:32

Hes had an abusive childhood etc... he's also trying to stop drinking xxxx

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 06/12/2023 19:33

I would say he’s now feeling comfortable enough around you to show you his true colours - which are moody, sulky and unpredictable. Get out while you still can.

If you had a daughter and her boyfriend treated her that way how would you feel and what would you tell her to do? Or a close friend?

lesdeluges · 06/12/2023 19:40

Well you have two choices, stay or go. You will not change him. Your choice, since no one here can explain his behaviour and attitudes, but I think you know yourself. And you didn't do anything wrong, he just wants you to think that. It's a head wreck tactic.

Maybe his head has been turned, maybe he has reconnected with the former partner, maybe he is drinking to excess and can't cope with anything.

After three months of this I'd be gone out the door and wouldn't look back. But that's just me.

category12 · 06/12/2023 19:42

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:32

Hes had an abusive childhood etc... he's also trying to stop drinking xxxx

You're not selling him to me as a good bet as a boyfriend.

Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 19:43

are you making festive bunting from all these red flags?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2023 19:44

You did not know him as well as you thought you did. He showed you a false image of himself, what you’ve seen now is the real him.

Now you know why his previous relationship ended. It also looks like his primary relationship is with drink which is another red flag.

Value yourself more and unlearn any and all damaging crap you’ve learnt about relationships through counselling.

Women are not rehab centres for such badly raised men. End this now before you get ever more invested and or hurt.

SirChenjins · 06/12/2023 19:44

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:32

Hes had an abusive childhood etc... he's also trying to stop drinking xxxx

Do you want a boyfriend or a project?

ChristmasLights23 · 06/12/2023 19:45

He shouldn’t be making you feel
like that.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 19:46

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:32

Hes had an abusive childhood etc... he's also trying to stop drinking xxxx

It is a three month relationship.
He is treating you like garbage and conditioning you to not question his behaviour.
he is an alcoholic with trauma.

you shouldnt be asking yourself why he is treating you like crap, you should be asking yourself why you are accepting it.

end the relationship.

wishing3 · 06/12/2023 19:47

It’s completely understandable that you’re trying to figure it out, but essentially it doesn’t matter why hes starting to be like this- he important thing is that this is how he is behaving and it’s not okay. Easier for strangers off the internet to say as we’re not emotionally invested, but do yourself a favour and move on from this guy.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:55

Got a bloody holiday booked for next week & a date... & he starts acting like this... typical 👍🙄😒

OP posts:
Prettyinred · 06/12/2023 19:56

This will not get better. 3 months in he’s showing you who he is. You’ll be miserable

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:58

Yeah you're right, gonna get the holiday out the way I guess as its booked & paid for.

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 19:59

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:55

Got a bloody holiday booked for next week & a date... & he starts acting like this... typical 👍🙄😒

That’s so fast to book a holiday with someone! It is absolutely crazy fast.

dont do that again.

Prettyinred · 06/12/2023 20:05

I don’t think the holiday is the issue. A holiday is good to get to know someone better and help you weigh up wether you want to be with them or not.

this guy is a head fuck
he’s already made you question things
no man should ever leave you hanging and wondering why he is treating you badly.
hes also managed to build a narrative that his behaviour is the symptom of a shit childhood.
That’s not fair

Prettyinred · 06/12/2023 20:06

I went on holiday with my husband after a few weeks!

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:07

Yeah I thought it'd be a good way to get to know each other

OP posts: