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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

134 replies

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:03

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 13:46

Your taking your two year old daughter on holiday with someone who makes you feel shit, anxious and confused?

Who you've known for ten years but have only been dating for 12 weeks?

Who is a problem drinker?

Who you say is a rebound after you recently split up with someone (presumably her dad) after years?

Who you're expecting will upset you on the holiday and give you an excuse (even though you don't need one) to break up?

Sorry but that's so irresponsible and unfair on your daughter that I'm very surprised you're choosing to do it.

GoldDuster · 07/12/2023 18:30

I know you didn't ask for parenting advice and I'm not here to give you any but you can't deny that as you are exposing your daughter to him, and also your own mental and emotional wellbeing is being compromised due to the relationship, your parenting and your relationship are unfortunately very closely linked. Your daughter is going to feel the ramifications of your relationship with him, whether you like it or not.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 07/12/2023 21:52

You need the parenting advice OP because at the moment, you're not being a good one.

How long has it been since you split with your ex/her dad?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/12/2023 21:55

Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:51

I'm cutting him out, don't worry. Thanks for the advice. I'm not crazy I have a degree in psychology & am planning on doing a masters.

I myself was a victim of child abuse & i suffer from complex ptsd. I have just gotten out of a long term narcissistic relationship. I have made a mistake picking up one again.

Edited

And yet you are still going on holiday with him

You're being ridiculous. You have a 2yo who is being exposed to this toxicity.

But hey I guess you need him so 🤷‍♀️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:24

category12 · 06/12/2023 19:16

At three months, it's very early for him to saying stuff like he wants a future with you and no-one else = red flag.

And now he's gone cold on you = likely the beginning of hot & cold treatment.

The woeful break-up story is also a red flag imo as it's setting you up for tolerating bullshit about his past relationship, him comparing you with his ex, being his should to cry on about his ex, being awkward about normal relationship milestones because it reminds him of his previous relationship. Ugh. If he's not over his past relationship, he shouldn't be dating - it's often just a handy excuse to get the new girlfriend to put up with nonsense.

Don't ask yourself what you've done, when you know you've done nothing wrong. Ask yourself what he gets out of being a dick.

I agree with this. I had a terrible breakup, while pregnant, last year. There is no way while I'm dating again I'll be using this as an excuse in any way for poor behaviour or to pile pressure onto a new man - if anything id avoid talking about it too much so I don't come across as bitter or jaded. Big red flag.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:25

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:32

Hes had an abusive childhood etc... he's also trying to stop drinking xxxx

Two more huge red flags

Knackeredhamster · 08/12/2023 08:15

Don't think I'd want to spend another £ being around him.

If you know this isn't a good match why bother putting yourself through a holiday where you are building an even closer attachment.

Especially if it's somewhere you can't easily get home from?

You're going to end up even more hurt than you are now op.

Really hope you cut your losses

Also I'm a single parent who has been where you are. It bloody destroyed me when I let another man in who did this sort of stuff.
If I'd had the strength to end it sooner I wouldn't have had to pick up so many pieces.

Peace is topmost.

DianaTiana · 08/12/2023 20:10

Put your daughter first. All else will fall into place if you do this.

TonyaD1986 · 09/02/2024 20:21

Hey. Just touching base. Got caught reading your thread. I’ve been in a similar position myself a few years back so I feel like I can resonate. Is there an update? X

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