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Original poster

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

134 replies

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:03

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

OP posts:
Odiebay · 06/12/2023 20:07

category12 · 06/12/2023 19:42

You're not selling him to me as a good bet as a boyfriend.

Show quote history

This.

You know this about him. The drinking should have been enough for you that he wasn't even a candidate for you to consider dating. Work on raising your bar x

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 20:17

Oh dear

Quickredfox · 06/12/2023 20:21

Your post made me think of the dread game (strategy losers talk about online to manipulate their girlfriends x.com/ask_aubry/status/1730210743608307947?s=20)

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 20:28

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

He isnt. He really isnt. And doing it for you wouldnt work anyway.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 20:29

Prettyinred · 06/12/2023 20:06

I went on holiday with my husband after a few weeks!

Was he also a moody alcoholic blaming childhood trauma for his poor behaviour? Otherwise im
not sure how that is at all relevant.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:30

Patronising comments aside people, please.

I'm not thick. I'm just confused as anybody would be at this behaviour.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/12/2023 20:43

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

Oh sorry, OP, this is another red flag. This is not a positive thing, nor something you should be flattered by.

It's a big heady gesture, but that's all it is. And it puts a big responsibility on your shoulders, even if it's sold as a sacrifice on his part. It's a manipulative thing of putting his issue onto you/your relationship.

Riverstep · 06/12/2023 21:01

Get rid. He’s giving up drinking for you = he’ll find reasons to cause arguments, use this as an excuse to drink and then blame you for the whole thing. You’ll feel guilty, like you’re the only functioning adult in the relationship and round and round you’ll go. He’s acting distant and it’s only been three months, he clearly can’t communicate properly either. Life with this kind of person will be horrendous, spare yourself.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:04

I've asked him tonight what's wrong with him finally he sent I'm sorry several times in different messages, said he's stressed as he looks after his dad who has mental health issues & then in a separate msg said he's not trying to do anything... he's just stressed

OP posts:
EVHead · 06/12/2023 21:07

Can you take a friend on the holiday instead?

As a previous poster said, do you want a project? Trying to fix him, believing that he will change just for you - you’re on a hiding to nothing there.

Another saying I read a lot on here: women are not men’s support humans.

Three months in - do yourself a massive favour and end it.

Wolfiefan · 06/12/2023 21:10

Do not go on the holiday. It won’t go well. This man isn’t in a place where he is able to be in a relationship.
And next time choose a bloke who isn’t a drunk rather than hoping he will quit for you. (That doesn’t work BTW!)

imnotthenarc · 06/12/2023 21:11

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

No no no. Someone with an addiction NEVER should quiet for anyone but themselves. That's the only way to do it. Doing it for you....what a load of absolute bollocks.

He is well and truly full of red flags op. He's love bombing you. He knows exactly what he's doing. Showing you a glimpse of who is is before your holiday.

I'm just about to divorce a man like him but with a gambling addiction. It doesn't get better. Don't be like me. I should of left the minute he fell out with me over something stupid.

But I didn't. I spent 8 years walking on eggshells instead.

imnotthenarc · 06/12/2023 21:13

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:04

I've asked him tonight what's wrong with him finally he sent I'm sorry several times in different messages, said he's stressed as he looks after his dad who has mental health issues & then in a separate msg said he's not trying to do anything... he's just stressed

Edited

Literally exactly like my exh. It's all mind games op. It's gas lighting. He's blaming everything but himself. He won't ever change. This is the real him.

Please trust me on this.

whatsappdoc · 06/12/2023 21:16

Tell him it's not working and don't try to get to the bottom of his problem with you. He'll just say what you want to hear.

He's got too much going on. Let him sort himself out and when he's got a clear head then think about reconnecting (if you haven't found someone better).

The holiday will be a disaster as every good moment will be followed by you being anxious about his 'moods', So say goodbye now.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:18

Well he said sorry, tonight, I'm going on the holiday it's too late to change anything for that. I'm going to see how it goes if it's a disaster I'll break it off

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 06/12/2023 21:19

You're in the getting to know you stage, not making vows or long term plans. He's going in too much too soon and hasn't had a chance to work on himself since his last relationship. He's clearly not ready to be in a relationship right now. It's not you it's him.

imnotthenarc · 06/12/2023 21:22

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:18

Well he said sorry, tonight, I'm going on the holiday it's too late to change anything for that. I'm going to see how it goes if it's a disaster I'll break it off

Just remember it's a cycle op.

An abuser has good days. Good weeks or even good months. You might have a great holiday but the real him will come back eventually. And then it will go and life will be good. But then he will turn again somewhere down the line. Before you know it, your life, your happiness and your own mental health will depend on his mood. If he's happy, you're happy.

Koalatreats · 06/12/2023 21:23

When you go on holiday just do your own thing if Mr Sulky is sulking. Enjoy yourself and take a couple of really good books. Don’t let him get you down.

If he’s really bad then play grumpyarse bingo. Sticks bottom lip out 5 points. Stomps off 10 points. Folds arms and stares into space etc.

He doesn’t sound like a catch. Guessing his ex got fed up of him.
Stopping drinking for you isn’t great - he should stop for him. If he does it for you and you argue it’s easy for him to drink and absolve himself of responsibility.

SparklingSparkle · 06/12/2023 21:24

You won’t do this because women don’t - but back off a bit. In fact back off quite a lot and give him space. Men love indifference.

Wolfiefan · 06/12/2023 21:27

He can go. You shouldn’t. He’s already behaved really badly. So break it off now. Don’t wait for worse and waste your time.

Bobsyouraunty · 06/12/2023 21:27

It’s been 3 months cut your losses and bounce. This is typical behaviour from a love bomber. I suspect his feelings for you have now waned. Which is why he’s gone from hot to cold. If you stay, it’ll just get worse from my experience. He won’t end it as he doesn’t want to be the bad guy but he’ll treat you so badly that eventually you’ll end it

MelsMoneyTree · 06/12/2023 21:28

You're seeing it as a sad coincidence that his behaviour deteriorated before the holiday but it's probably the cause tbh. A holiday is a commitment. He's seeing how reeled in you are and what he can get away with. If he treats you badly but can get you to apologise and try to fix it. He's trying to set patterns here OP and they're very unhealthy. Don't get pulled back in. If you must go on the holiday, try to avoid his dramas and detach when you come back.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:30

Hes profusely apologising via text atm, saying its all him?

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 21:37

Any relationship that begins like this doesn't end well. Save your energy and raise your standards. You'd be better off with a week at home than a holiday with this scenario.