Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

[Familarspirit12]

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

Love this 😀 ❤️ Thanks for the advice 🙏

It really is typical for abusers to start teaching their victims to tolerate bad behaviour by acting up right at a time where there is a compelling reason for the victim to try to “make it work” (like a pending holiday, a mortgage application, pregnancy) so as not to sacrifice the good parts of the relationship.

from then on, the bad behaviour is experienced as more normal and tolerable, and the odds that you will put up with it again in the hope of a “reward” afterwards are increased.

He's shown you he can't communicate and that he views you as someone he can take his moods out on. I wouldn't be keen

@Familarspirit12 please could you bookmark this thread?

Youre going away on hols on a week. I don’t think any of us are going to convince you otherwise.

But please read it again when you are back.
Read about love bombing too.
May even come back and let us know how he is behaving.

I fear you’ll have bad news. And it will be hard to accept.

The thing is op - I know how you feel. The responses you are getting on here aren't what you hoped - I'm guessing you thought it would be easier if there were some supporting him?

I used to hate posting on here and getting so many responses all blaming him. It only makes things worse and more confusing for you. I would have rather everyone blamed me and said I was in the wrong.

It's easy for us to say as outsiders. We don't know him and we're not living your life. We can only go from what you've put.

But it really doesn't sound good. It sounds quick. It sounds like he's love bombing you - creating a trauma bond. He's giving you the highs and then out of nowhere...the lows come. He's following every trick in the book.

This holiday isn't helping things. Me now wouldn't go. Me in the past - 100% I would have been there. It wouldn't have mattered how he treated me. He was so affectionate and loving . He made me feel on top of the world. I had to save him. I had to be there for him. O had to try harder to help him control his moods.

8 years later I'm out and barely surviving. I'm not the woman I once was.

It sounds like he lovebombed you (eg: 'if it's not you then I don't want anyone ejse' ect...). Google it.

And now he's blowing cold.

I'm so sorry op but it seems like it's the start of abuse.

Once you're really happy, they whip the carpet out from under you. Leaving you wondering 'have I done something wrong?'. It's deliberate controlling behaviour.

I'd end it. Take the holiday with a friend.

Be prepared for him to uturn when you call it a day. Or give you some shit about how you're 'overreacting' or too sensitive. You're not. His behaviour is textbook manipulation.

It's why his last partner split.

He lovebomed you to hook you in. Now he's blowing cold to make you feel worried you'll lose him and start making you walk on eggshells.

He has love bombed you throughout and took full advantage of your own poor boundaries, such men are really master manipulators. His behaviour towards you now is also why his last relationship failed.

Take his name off the booking if you’ve planned to go on holiday with him.

I personally would not go if you cannot remove his name from the booking for whatever reason.

Alcoholics need to quit drinking for themselves.

Not for a new partner.

Saying he's quiting 'for you' is a big red flag.

In future he'll drink and say 'I never wanted to stop. I just did it because you were nagging me. This is who I am, like it or lump it'. But by then you'll be over invested.

If you must go on holiday with him, use it to gage his behaviour. Does he drink 'because I'm on holiday' for example. Does he take moods when you don't want to do things he does. Does he make you feel stressed, sad or uncomfortable. Things to look out for.

Addicts don't give their addiction up for other people. If it was as simple as loving someone enough, then no parent would be an addict.

It's ok for people to have their own feelings the 2 things that bother me most are that you feel confused. And that he is saying that you were doing what he was doing. He was being moody, off with you and acting funny and he said that you were doing all these things. This is DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse victim order. You are the victim of his moody behaviour here and instead you are looking for what you have done wrong - only because he said it was you. This is very confusing when you don't know it's happening. Try to keep an eye on when he does something and says it's your behaviour. Just labelling in your own mind might help. I imagine you will have lots of highs and lows ahead of you. During one of the difficult times try to read bits of Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. You can download free pdf by Googling if you don't feel comfortable having the book in your home/are lower income.

Google love bombing.

https://www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/teach-me/what-is-love-bombing-and-how-to-recognize-the-signs#:~:text=of%20a%20narcissist%3F-,Dr.,gifts%20they've%20given%20you.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them”?

This guy is telling you who he is loud and clear: unpredictably moody then eventually apologetic, addicted to alcohol, taking out other stresses on you.

Are you going to believe that who he is now is who he really is, or are you going to believe his big promises of being a better version of himself at some undefined time in the future?

Seriously? Three months? Leave and don't look back take a friend on holiday instead. The way you describe him doesn't sound like anyone I would want to keep but you seem like you just want to keep making excuses for him

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I could have wrote this about an ex...

It was the three month mark for us too.

Took me years, and counselling, to realise he had an avoidant attachment disorder (due to his abusive mother).

I wish I'd left him after the first time he we t cold on me. I didn't and ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship with him that lasted far too long and left me a broken person. For years. It's been 9 years and I'm only just ready to be vulnerable with a man again. The hot cold never knowing where you stand is a mind fuck.

Please don't make my mistake. It's most likely cost me the chance of having kids as it wasted years of my life. Leave him now before he wrecks your self esteem.

Oh OP.

He's reeling you back in. He'll be wonderful for a few days, then on holiday, you'll argue. It will of course be your fault, maybe a man was looking at you and you smiled.

He'll storm off, get very drunk, all your fault.

Come back and we'll let's say it probably won't be the holiday of your dreams.

Sadly with age comes wisdom and you'll probably ignore everybody on here and go ahead with the holiday.

You know what he's really like, you know he can change for you.

As a wise PP said, please bookmark this thread and come and come back and read it after your holiday.

Oh well, as long as he’s apologised and blamed something I’m surrrre this won’t ever happen again…

It was the three month mark for us too.

@All2Well a very standard timeline for abusive tendencies to start appearing, unfortunately:-(

Hes now texting me telling me to enjoy my bath & what he's eaten for his tea? 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♂️ he said he's just stressed from caring for his dad?

I looked up borderline personality disorder & he strongly fits the criteria which is worrying

He is making excuses. But not apologising. He’s just getting you used to accepting being treated this way. Sod that. Walk away. At three months it should be butterflies in the stomach dates and fun. Not this rubbish.

It doesn't matter if he's stressed from caring for his dad, or if he thinks he's got another valid reason, the end result is the same, and it's not healthy.

He's testing you. He's trying to work out what you will and won't put up with, how far he can push it, and what he can get away with while simultaneously buying you in with his "I'm giving up drinking for you" bullshit, to try and make you feel you should be grateful. He feels you're pinned down by the holiday so this is a great time to start, as he feels you can't get away. Multiply this by x 10,000 if/when you move in together/get pregnant/become sick or vulnerable and reliant on him in any other way.

You are three months in, you're already doubting your own mind, imagine what you'll feel like after three years of this? Exactly. Pull the plug and do some reading on how abusive relationships start.

Oft.

Sack being in a relationship like this 3 months in and over analysing everything single thing he does. Break it off.

This is what they do. As soon as they are 'back to normal' and it's all forgotten about, it's expected you do the same....except deep down they know you will be an absolute mess inside your head.

I used to have it with exh and his gambling all the time. He would gamble behind my back, I'd find out, he would fall out with me, id then end up begging him to make amends with me and then it would all go back to 'normal' . In his world, he was fine - back to his bubbly self and I'd pretend to be the same. Except I wasn't. Far from it. Weeks would go by and I was still an absolute mess.

I'd then start sending him really long texts saying I wasn't ok. My mental health wasn't ok and I was sorry. I'd apologise to him for not being ok for the damage he had caused. When I look back now....wtf was i doing. Zero boundaries, zero self respect, zero anything.

This is just the start op. I'd put money on it....if I were a gambler

Abuse comes in so many forms but in my experience one characteristic that all abusers share is unpredictability. You really never know what version of them you’re going to get. Sometimes they’re lovely, sometimes they’re horrible. Sometimes they’re distant, others they are smothering. Sometimes they’re moody out of the blue, then they suddenly snap out of it like nothing ever happened. They scream at you then apologise and cry and say you did nothing wrong and it’s all their fault. Sometimes they take offense at the slightest thing, other times they take the piss out of themselves.

You’re left with your head spinning and no idea how to take them, or how they might react to anything.

Two scenarios - a) he's intentionally messing with you as an abuse tactic. b) his own personal struggles mean this pulling away is not done on purpose to hurt you, he just doesn't have the insight/good mental health to rise above it.

Sadly neither are a recipe for a good healthy future, especially when it's happening this early on.

I've had lettuces last longer than 3 months. Life is too short OP!