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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

134 replies

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:03

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 22:48

Yeah, you're all right, I'm going to get the holiday out the way I have a feeling there will be something he does on this holiday to upset me. So I will use it as an excuse to exit. Its sad because we have good times. I need to have self respect here. Boundaries.

Never mind. I will move on. I've got a little girl to think about & what I am showing her. I've just got out of a long term abusive relationship anyway & now seem to have landed my self in another one.

It seems to be like he suffers with BPD.

Sad so many people are messed up.

Bit of a rebound going on & it's supposed to be fun but it isn't, it's a merry go round already & I don't need it.

OP posts:
imnotthenarc · 06/12/2023 22:55

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 22:48

Yeah, you're all right, I'm going to get the holiday out the way I have a feeling there will be something he does on this holiday to upset me. So I will use it as an excuse to exit. Its sad because we have good times. I need to have self respect here. Boundaries.

Never mind. I will move on. I've got a little girl to think about & what I am showing her. I've just got out of a long term abusive relationship anyway & now seem to have landed my self in another one.

It seems to be like he suffers with BPD.

Sad so many people are messed up.

Bit of a rebound going on & it's supposed to be fun but it isn't, it's a merry go round already & I don't need it.

Edited

Even more so if you have a daughter op - you have to end it. He won't show your dd the right way to treat and respect women. It could cause her massive damage growing up if she thinks he's moods are the norm. If she sees you walking on egg shells around him, she will likely follow in your footsteps.

I have a dd too and she was my driving force for leaving exh. She isn't his daughter. She's a pre teen and I'm hoping I've left him before any real damage is done to her.

You have this thread now full of support. Keep coming back to it when you need too or post again. I won't be surprised if this isn't your last post about him - but I hope it is! It's a very difficult when you are living it. Be kind to yourself but stay strong.

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 22:55

OP, you don't need an "excuse to exit". Ever.

FortofPud · 06/12/2023 22:57

I think you can view this positively and feel encouraged in a way - you've come out of an abusive relationship before but this time you have identified questionable behaviour early on and are ready to uphold healthy boundaries.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2023 22:58

Can you tell us whether you paid for the holiday?

Therealweld · 06/12/2023 23:02

I think you are in denial.

Several of us have said to you this is the beginning of an abusive relationship and you are going to go on holiday.
I will add my voice, OP, he is starting the classic cycle of abuse.
Everytime you go round you get more damaged and it becomes harder to leave.
Get out while you can.

The holiday is worthless if it means you will be engrained further.
You are worth everything, and so is your daughter.
Move strongly to protect yourself.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 23:18

We have both gone halves x

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 06/12/2023 23:18

Totally love bombing . Gets you where he what’s you then starts to show you the arse he really is when he think he has you where he what’s you and you won’t leave.

You have mentioned his ex his childhood his drinking . All his excuses for his shitty behaviour moving forward .

Red flags everywhere

isittimetoflounceyet · 06/12/2023 23:21

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

He says he's quitting, but he wasn't able to do it for his child, and you'd think he would care more about his own child that someone he has been in a relationship with for only a matter of weeks (no offence, but please try and see my point).

Maybe he did have an abusive childhood, and maybe it is really stressful caring for his dad, but neither of those are an excuse to treat you badly.

Tread carefully.

blackbeardsballsack · 06/12/2023 23:22

He engineered an argument over nothing, on purpose. Like a little boy pulling legs off an insect.

Wolfiefan · 06/12/2023 23:24

You don’t need an excuse. Don’t go. Look into the freedom programme instead.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 23:27

Who is having your daughter while you're on holiday?

Catoo · 06/12/2023 23:46

Do you already live together or did this couple of nights happen at his house?

If so, sounds like he was wanting you to leave the next morning, maybe so he could have some space, or likely, he was desperate for a drink and couldn’t with you there.

Now he’s being OK because he’s got some drink again?

Or he’s a gaslighting arsehole, or all of the above plus being an AH?

All red flags however you look at it.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:18

I'm taking her

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:21

It happened at mine & I think you're right he probably was craving a drink, there's so many red flags..

Jesus, I do pick em

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:21

Definitely not living together

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:22

That sounds creepy 😳

Jesus christ I do pick them

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 07/12/2023 00:24

Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:18

I'm taking her

You’re taking your daughter on holiday with a guy you’ve been dating three months?

Honey, no. Absolutely not.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:30

No I have known him 10 years been dating 3 months

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 07/12/2023 00:42

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve “known” him. You’ve only been dating three months and you’re already discovering an unpleasant side to him.

You don’t introduce kids to partners until you are sure they’re a solid long-term prospect.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:44

Hes been a friend to me for 10 years, that's your personal opinion. It isn't written in any rule book?

She is my child.

Patronising much?

OP posts:
Marionberry · 07/12/2023 00:47

My SIL is 57, she has spent a lifetime trying to fix shit men. I used to feel sorry for her but honestly just couldn’t be fucked with it after 20 years of the sort of stuff you are writing. I actually refused to see her for a couple of years and some of her friends actually ended up dumping her.

Many people have truly horrific childhoods but don’t end up being awful moody people. She never had children, these men also drained her of money and they have driven her quite frankly batshit and not in a good way.

You need to not just stop dating this guy you need to cut him out or do you want your child around an alcoholic?

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:51

I'm cutting him out, don't worry. Thanks for the advice. I'm not crazy I have a degree in psychology & am planning on doing a masters.

I myself was a victim of child abuse & i suffer from complex ptsd. I have just gotten out of a long term narcissistic relationship. I have made a mistake picking up one again.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 07/12/2023 00:55

Right, yep, I recognise this, he has lovebombed you and you have walked into it to a certain extent with your eyes shut. Cutesy texts, emoji, saying I love you - all within 3 months, really? Back in the real world, most women would see this as completely OTT and smell a rat. Did you really feel like saying you love him back? Did you feel pressured to say it in return although it seems soon?
Lovebombers want everything reciprocated, but, when they think it is, they think they have hooked you enough to treat you like crap and get away with it. In fact, if they have had an abusive childhood, abuse can be the measure they go by to test your love. "If you love me, no matter how badly I treat you, you will hang in there".
The thing is, if you respect yourself, being treated like crap suddenly, while confusing, can make you see them for who they are and love them a whole lot less, as it should. So, is your love blind, or are you going to not tolerate it?

Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 07/12/2023 00:56

Trust your gut, it's usually right. Good luck with everything; you and your daughter deserve to be treated with respect x