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Original poster

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?

134 replies

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 19:03

My new boyfriend of three months split with his ex partner of 5 years This January. He helped bring up their child & I think he is still affected by the breakup & doesn't want to be hurt again. However he tells me he really wants a future with me & if it doesn't work between us he doesn't want anybody else.
The other night we had a lovely day where we went for food & then we had great sex & spent the rest of the night laughing, hanging out & cuddling in bed till the early hours of the morning, it was really nice & I felt really close to him & he didn't let go of me all night, telling me he loved me.
The following morning we got up he had a shower & he seemed happy, singing in the shower etc then later that day he started to distance himself. He started giving me one word answers & being moody, accusing me of being moody too.
Later that night he just walked off to bed & turned over so I couldn't talk to him. I tried to cuddle him from behind & he gave me no response. In the morning he accused me of keeping him awake (I turned over & went to sleep so not to disturb him) He then went to do his job. He normally sends me lots of emojis & loving texts telling me I'm gorgeous & beautiful, sexy etc thriugh out the whole day until he goes to bed. I've had nothing like this today just blunt straight forward texts, although he text me from the minute he left still & through out the day?
I'm really hurt by this, we are supposed to be going on a date on Saturday & on holiday in a week. It seems like he's suddenly not interested in me like I've done something wrong. He's still been texting me all day just not as affectionately???
Sometimes when we are in the same building he will text me little messages with love hearts etc?
I asked him this morning why he was upset he said he slept like crap & I kept waking him up & he also accused me of being funny with him as I asked him to swap seats on the sofa the previous night like I'd offended him by asking him to swap our seats on the sofa the night before?
I'm lost as to what the hell I've done wrong here?
Any advice why hes suddenly gone all moody with me?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 07/12/2023 00:58

Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:44

Hes been a friend to me for 10 years, that's your personal opinion. It isn't written in any rule book?

She is my child.

Patronising much?

FFS. Obviously there is no one “rule book” for parenting but if you read any advice about dating as a single parent, it is extremely commonplace wisdom to be very cautious about introducing children to new partners who they are likely to regard as parental role models/figures.

Having new “father-figure” type people appear and disappear in her life will be unsettling for her, and set her up with unhealthy relationship models in her mind when she’s most impressionable.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 01:02

She's 2 at the moment, I understand this. I appreciate the advice. Her wellbeing is my priority I do not allow him to be drunk around her.

I have honestly just been through a messy breakup with my ex of 15 years. I have been on a rebound, unfortunately though he has turned out to be just as bad...

Please do not judge me. I am not stupid I honestly think my mind hasn't been in the right place lately.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 07/12/2023 01:02

2 things:

3 months is too soon to expose your child to such a quasi-domestic relationship. You don't want her to get used to a string of boyfriends in what is her home and should be her safe place. Next time don't introduce her until you are absolutely sure that the relationship has legs and is expected to last.

Secondly, he is love-bombing you to see how quickly you'd fall for him. Now he has switched to treating you like crap to see how much you are prepared to put up with. This is the lead-up to a cycle of 'love' and abuse where you'll end up walking on eggshells because you never know where in the cycle you are, and you don't want to upset him....... because when he's upset he'll make you feel worthless and miserable

CheekyHobson · 07/12/2023 01:05

I mean, it’s not ringing any alarm bells for you that you’re about to take her off on holiday with an alcoholic who gets moody and cold when he’s stressed, and she’s going to see him as being the kind of man who you think makes a good partner?

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 01:08

I don't think he's a good partner, he's promised not to drink on the holiday... otherwise I'll be getting the first flight home

OP posts:
Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 01:10

I understand I have made a mistake. I will bear this in mind next time. I can see your advice as good but it's also tough to hear where I have gone wrong...

I can be very naive at times...

OP posts:
Babla · 07/12/2023 01:14

Sounds like love bombing to me

AngelAurora · 07/12/2023 01:16

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 23:18

We have both gone halves x

It's only money. You clearly no
Boundaries otherwise you would not be going.

CheekyHobson · 07/12/2023 01:16

Okay, I get that you’re only just seeing now that he’s an unsuitable partner but this is exactly why the conventional wisdom exists that says you should spend absolute minimum six months dating someone before introducing them to kids.

Most people who are abusive or simply not emotionally mature enough to be a good partner can put their best foot forward for a few months or even a year before their hidden issues really start showing up. You have to give yourself time to genuinely get to know someone before taking a serious step like introducing them to your child.

You sound very vulnerable yourself and I think you need a good long stint being single, learning about what healthy relationships really look like and understanding what red flags are and why they’re red flags. I’m surprised this sort of thing wasn’t covered in your psychology degree?

TheShellBeach · 07/12/2023 01:20

People can't give up addictions like alcohol for someone else, though.

You can only give up addictions for yourself.

As a psychology graduate I'm surprised you didn't know that.

Also, taking your small child on holiday with a random new man who you barely know, is a terrible idea.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 01:20

If I were to take a specific research topic in relationships & narcissistic abuse at masters level then yes I may cover this however, I have taken an undergraduate where you are taught generic psychology, such as how the mind works, memory, Freud etc. So as you haven't taken psychology you would not know this.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/12/2023 01:30

OP please can you quote the person you're replying to because it's frequently unclear. Thanks.

DinoDays · 07/12/2023 01:31

I don't need to have a psychology degree to see this holiday will end in tears. Probably your daughters. :(

You think he's not going to drink while away on holiday?

You genuinely believe that?

And your daughter will have now where to hide. No one to protect her.

Please cancel the holiday, your kid is more important than money and holiday with someone you say you're going to dump anyway.

Original poster
Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 01:52

Look ladies, I asked for some advice you have given it. I have taken some of it & made my mind up about this relationship. I will be making my own decisions regarding what is best for mine & my daughters welfare.

Please stop using my thread as an opportunity to get on the "I'm the perfect parent" bandwagon & have a go at a single parent doing her best who is in a difficult situation.

If you do not like this get off my thread.

Firstly you have no right & secondly I did not ask for parenting advice I asked for advice on my relationship.

OP posts:
tolerable · 07/12/2023 02:17

my (brutal)mum ALWAYS says....hes not single.if she didnt want him,its for reasons

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2023 06:34

And the advice has been to dump and not go on holiday. No one is having a go at you for being a single parent.

category12 · 07/12/2023 06:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

category12 · 07/12/2023 06:36

Apologies, wrong thread

FizzyLaser · 07/12/2023 06:38

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 20:14

Hes quitting for me though, so that was enough for me to think he cares enough to do that

No one quits for someone else.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 07/12/2023 07:03

Familarspirit12 · 07/12/2023 00:30

No I have known him 10 years been dating 3 months

it is irrelevant. Youve been dating three months. He is nasty to you. He is an alcoholic. You are going to dump him before you get stuck in another abusive relationship. All the signa if it are there.

you are completely irresponsible as a parent. Absolutely ridiculous youre exposing your child to this.

you are continuing to make poor choices. These will impact your daughter well into her adult life.

bananamangoes · 07/12/2023 07:37

This is what many of them do.

He's probably insecure as hell

Take control now and bin him. Focus your energy on having fun

Letsbepractical · 07/12/2023 07:50

OP - you are getting a lot of good advice often expressed in harsh words. I’m sure others have your best interest at heart but I can also understand it’s very hard to hear it all.
Have a compassion for yourself and say ‘no wonder I fell for him because xyz…AND I’ll end it because he’s not a good candidate for a partner’. Emojis & nice words are just surface stuff. Life is hard, look for someone consistent in actions and who’s emotionally balanced. Good luck x

DinoDays · 07/12/2023 09:50

There's none so blind as those who will not see.

Prettyinred · 07/12/2023 13:17

You asked for advice
you got good advice
you get snarky and rude.

pointless posting and then turning on those taking the time to respond to you.

I wonder if you’d be so rude to friends if you relied on them for advice and you didn’t like their opinions

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 13:41

Familarspirit12 · 06/12/2023 21:30

Hes profusely apologising via text atm, saying its all him?

Textbook. It means nothing OP.

Why has my boyfriend of 3 months suddenly started acting distant? I'm.so confused?