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Original poster

Horrible end to date and now I feel awful

138 replies

Lemonxx · 04/12/2023 08:10

I’m not sure posting here is the best idea but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life and I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to feel the way I feel.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month now and things were going well. I told him I was keen to take things slowly which he seemed on board with. We met yesterday at a bar close to his and were talking about a tv show we both wanted to watch so he suggested we go back to his to watch it. When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze. After all that he was struggling to ‘perform’ and I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway. We didn’t actually have proper sex but he kept trying and did other stuff and now I just feel very humiliated and teary even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation and looking back I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop and I’m not sure why. I should have been clearer.

I’ve barely slept all night and can’t face going into work today and just feel generally anxious. I haven’t heard from him since but as I was leaving last night he blamed me for him being unable to perform and said I didn’t “help him out” but I just felt so pressured and uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in that position in the first place.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel like I’m being stupid but I’m just so upset and keep replaying it in my head.

OP posts:
abouttobecomeagrandparent · 04/12/2023 08:14

What an awful experience for you. He was clearly pressuring you and perhaps his guilt made him unable to perform. He's not respected you so I'd walk away.

LongTermLurker · 04/12/2023 08:17

Other wiser posters will be along soon, but it's clear to me that he behaved appallingly. You poor thing. I wish you didn't feel shame/humiliation, because you've got nothing at all to feel embarrassed about. He has. It's very common to freeze in this sort of situation (sexual assault) as your body is takes over and intuitively finds the safest course of action. Please don't blame yourself.

WetBandits · 04/12/2023 08:18

He has sexually assaulted you. You told him repeatedly that you didn’t want sex yet he kept trying, even after you said to stop. That isn’t consent Flowers

Echobelly · 04/12/2023 08:19

He should feel ashamed, he clearly piled on the pressure and he should have stopped. I would tell him he made you feel uncomfortable and unhappy and end this to be honest. If he's pushing boundaries now, what might he be like in a relationship?

mymidlifeeyes · 04/12/2023 08:20

What a horrible man. Please walk away and know that you've done nothing wrong ❤️

LongTermLurker · 04/12/2023 08:21

Just to spell it out, you'd told him previously that you wanted to go slowly. He initiated sex anyway. You froze (and I assume weren't making clear and enthusiastic signs that you wanted sex. He still persisted. He couldn't get it up, and you tried to ask him to call it a night. He still persisted. He then tried to shame you. This is awful, abusive behaviour. It's not surprising you didn't "do more"... I'm imagining that an intuitive part of you felt it would be best not to make too much of a fuss, because this guy is bad news, and causing a fuss might equal danger.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/12/2023 08:22

I’m really sorry to hear this. You have absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed- you did nothing wrong. It sounds as though you were clear and consistent in letting him know you didn’t want that level of intimacy but he went ahead anyway with sexual activity. He didn’t respect your boundaries. Agree with PP that you could perhaps take the day off work if you feel it would be helpful to stay home today and give yourself some self care. 💐

flowerchild2000 · 04/12/2023 08:24

It's not your fault, you're not stupid, you did say no, and this was sexual assault. Do whatever you need to do for you. Get someone to talk to in person as well. If you met him on a dating app you can report him and they will ban him so it can't happen to someone else. I've done it myself. Whatever you do, don't doubt yourself.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/12/2023 08:24

Oh and please don’t see him again. You’re well within your rights to be honest with him about why: ‘I don’t want to see you again because you didn’t listen to me when I outlined my boundaries and I don’t want to spend time with someone who doesn’t understand or respect consent.’

flowerchild2000 · 04/12/2023 08:26

Waitingfordoggo · 04/12/2023 08:24

Oh and please don’t see him again. You’re well within your rights to be honest with him about why: ‘I don’t want to see you again because you didn’t listen to me when I outlined my boundaries and I don’t want to spend time with someone who doesn’t understand or respect consent.’

I don't disagree at all but I also think it wouldn't be healthy to contact someone that just sexually assaulted you. It would only compound the trauma. I've been through a lot of therapy that backs this up.

Captainfairylights · 04/12/2023 08:27

Attempted rape surely? OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Stay away from him, he's potentially dangerous.

Maray1967 · 04/12/2023 08:28

WetBandits · 04/12/2023 08:18

He has sexually assaulted you. You told him repeatedly that you didn’t want sex yet he kept trying, even after you said to stop. That isn’t consent Flowers

This. The only thing you should be messaging him is this.

I’m very sorry that you experienced this but hold your head up high - you behaved properly, he didn’t.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/12/2023 08:29

Fair enough @flowerchild2000. Probably better to just block him I guess.

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 08:29

He sexually assaulted you then tried to turn it back as your fault. What he did is a crime that he could go to prison for so please don’t blame yourself AT ALL.

Please block him and never contact him again. Take a day or two off work if you need to. Just take care of you now - sending love ❤️

Psyberbaby · 04/12/2023 08:30

Were you afraid of him?

Gowlett · 04/12/2023 08:31

I think people are getting carried away here…
I’ve been in similar situations, OP. It’s so hard to explicitly say no in the moment. The guy isn’t dangerous, he’s just an asshole. Don’t see him again, and don’t feel bad about that.

Hope the anxiety & replay ease off, but it’s not easy to forget these things. It hurts now, but treat yourself with kindness.

flowerchild2000 · 04/12/2023 08:40

Gowlett · 04/12/2023 08:31

I think people are getting carried away here…
I’ve been in similar situations, OP. It’s so hard to explicitly say no in the moment. The guy isn’t dangerous, he’s just an asshole. Don’t see him again, and don’t feel bad about that.

Hope the anxiety & replay ease off, but it’s not easy to forget these things. It hurts now, but treat yourself with kindness.

She's clearly traumatized but he's not a danger. Make that make sense.

Newlydivorcedyay · 04/12/2023 08:41

You had a horrible experience. Be kind to yourself. And block him completely (on a technical level, like phone and stuff, but also block him mentally, ignore the garbage he was saying completely). And self care for a while, whatever makes you feel good.

ClairDeLaLune · 04/12/2023 08:44

even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation

It was NOT your fault OP. None of what happened was your fault, please don’t think that. He coerced you into sex and he assaulted you. He trampled all over your boundaries and had no respect for the concept of consent. It’s perfectly ok for you to say no at any point whatsoever and he should honour that.

What happened was 100% on him. He’s just trying to save face by blaming you. Pathetic. Please block him.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:45

I also think folks are getting carried away, it’s not sexual assault. However I do agree the op needs to end this, she felt unable to say no. Which is concerning, she shouldn’t be alone with any men if she feels unable to express consent. She isn’t safe .

I hope you’re ok op, just end the relationship.

ClairDeLaLune · 04/12/2023 08:48

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:45

I also think folks are getting carried away, it’s not sexual assault. However I do agree the op needs to end this, she felt unable to say no. Which is concerning, she shouldn’t be alone with any men if she feels unable to express consent. She isn’t safe .

I hope you’re ok op, just end the relationship.

I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway That’s “no” in my book, don’t know why it isn’t in yours?

C1N1C · 04/12/2023 08:51

He probably thought 'going back to his to watch it' was akin to 'Netflix and chill'.

Absolutely agree with the posters above though, he should have respected your boundaries at the time. Even if you can overlook his actions, I probably couldn't overlook that 'ick' embarrassment factor. And for him to blame you for not helping, lots of red flags here.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:51

ClairDeLaLune · 04/12/2023 08:48

I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway That’s “no” in my book, don’t know why it isn’t in yours?

Show quote history

It’s not a clear no though is it. Not if they carried on. I understand what you’re saying. But it wasn’t a no, it was a suggestion.

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 08:53

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:51

It’s not a clear no though is it. Not if they carried on. I understand what you’re saying. But it wasn’t a no, it was a suggestion.

Show quote history

It wasn’t consent though was it? He knew she wasn’t keen and carried on - yes that’s sexual assault

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