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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible end to date and now I feel awful

138 replies

Lemonxx · 04/12/2023 08:10

I’m not sure posting here is the best idea but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life and I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to feel the way I feel.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month now and things were going well. I told him I was keen to take things slowly which he seemed on board with. We met yesterday at a bar close to his and were talking about a tv show we both wanted to watch so he suggested we go back to his to watch it. When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze. After all that he was struggling to ‘perform’ and I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway. We didn’t actually have proper sex but he kept trying and did other stuff and now I just feel very humiliated and teary even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation and looking back I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop and I’m not sure why. I should have been clearer.

I’ve barely slept all night and can’t face going into work today and just feel generally anxious. I haven’t heard from him since but as I was leaving last night he blamed me for him being unable to perform and said I didn’t “help him out” but I just felt so pressured and uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in that position in the first place.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel like I’m being stupid but I’m just so upset and keep replaying it in my head.

OP posts:
movingon47 · 04/12/2023 19:43

How long is long enough??? In Aug 2022 I was raped, the man the supported me through it, I'd sort of known for years. We got together after 14 months of friendship and he turned out to be a convicted DA and is considered a danger to women!! We should be safe!!!

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2023 21:03

Gowlett · 04/12/2023 08:31

I think people are getting carried away here…
I’ve been in similar situations, OP. It’s so hard to explicitly say no in the moment. The guy isn’t dangerous, he’s just an asshole. Don’t see him again, and don’t feel bad about that.

Hope the anxiety & replay ease off, but it’s not easy to forget these things. It hurts now, but treat yourself with kindness.

Of course he is dangerous. Only a penis malfunction stopped him raping op. That is pretty fucking dangerous!

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2023 21:10

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:51

It’s not a clear no though is it. Not if they carried on. I understand what you’re saying. But it wasn’t a no, it was a suggestion.

Show quote history

Anything but an enthusiastic yes, is a no! A person saying we should call it a night is not consenting.

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2023 21:13

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 09:41

The Op said

I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop

Show quote history

She dies not have to. No woman has to. She was saying she wanted to end the night. She was saying no. Unless she was actively encouraging him, he was assaulting her.

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2023 21:46

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 11:14

It is completely disingenuous to suggest that confidence is not a factor here. These men prey on women who have low confidence, are agreeable/people pleasing, or who have low self-esteem. Which is why building up one’s confidence (or other women’s - daughters, students, friends etc.) is absolutely paramount when it comes to keeping yourself safe and avoiding/shutting down this behaviour in your life.

Show quote history

It is completely disingenuous to ignore the impact of the freeze response, or indeed the fawn response. No amount of confidence can overcome them if they kick in.

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 22:25

OP, I'm so sorry that happened.

Very upsetting and shocking.

You froze because he tried to rape you.

I think it is very important that you contact Rape Crisis services to offer you support.

I wish you could tell a friend who would give you a hug and support too.

I think it would be worth reporting him to the police, so they have his name.

I bet this isn't the first or last time, but that is your decision.

Be kind to yourself, you have had a horrible shock and experience.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 22:41

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 15:38

I can’t believe what I’m reading. So a woman should only ever enter a man’s home if she’s up for sex apparently and if he sexually assaults her she should have taken better precautions.

Seriously WTAF?? This isn’t a random stranger, it’s someone she’s building a bond with.

I would say that going to a man’s house for a first or second date isn’t maybe a great idea but at some point there’s a desire for alone time which doesn’t necessarily mean sex is on the cards.

Show quote history

I have more of a "bond" with my postman and the manager at the local garden centre, ffs, going back many years, and you wouldn't catch me going to their homes alone.

Starryskies1 · 04/12/2023 22:59

I’m sorry you have gone through this. I’m not sure it’s just me but from briefly online dating. Men are desperate for sex, from talking about it before they have met you, to not being able to take it slow. Some are respectful but not many which is concerning.

NoWayNarc · 04/12/2023 23:16

Starryskies1 · 04/12/2023 22:59

I’m sorry you have gone through this. I’m not sure it’s just me but from briefly online dating. Men are desperate for sex, from talking about it before they have met you, to not being able to take it slow. Some are respectful but not many which is concerning.

@LaurieStrode what are you on

@Starryskies1 desperate for sex does not a rapist make, which was why he tried to blame her for his own (thankfully) failed performance, although trying to stuff in a floppy semi is pretty unpleasant enough in itself..

randommum82 · 05/12/2023 06:47

If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no. He assaulted you.

Newnamehiwhodis · 05/12/2023 06:57

It is normal to freeze. You froze because you did not feel safe.
please please let yourself off the hook- any blame for this falls squarely on him. He is a CREEP, and then he blamed you for his ED issues. What a horrible jerk he showed himself to be.
I am so sorry, but yes, as others have said, this was assault.
anything less than enthusiastic consent is not consent, and EVERY man knows this by now, even the knuckle draggers who live under rocks.

please be kind to yourself. So proud of you for expressing that you wanted to take it slow and saying what you needed. Please be proud of yourself too. It is NOT your fault that he said he agreed and then pushed past what you had stated.

you even tried to get him to stop in a very polite way. It isn’t your fault he is not a gentleman and not a good man.

I wonder if the way you’re feeling (besides that he may have awakened some past trauma - just judging by the freezing, which is what we do when we revert to a young self in trauma),

has something to do with heartbreak and massive disappointment that he showed you he’s not a good man. I’m so sorry OP. Let yourself feel all the things you need to feel, but please shut the door on this creep and PLEASE do not let him talk or explain his way back into your life. He’s a rapist.

Mistymist · 05/12/2023 08:22

OP you did nothing wrong and it is not your fault. He is a creep and a rapist. Any decent man would have stopped. There was no need to shout NO in order for him to stop. He knew it but he went on and then blamed you for his ED and his appaling behaviour. Your froze and that's alright, sometimes we don't react the way we have imagined.

I was asssaulted twice. One in bright daylight. I fought back and he ran away. The second time it was at night, returning home from a Christmas Party. I froze and couldn't shout, raise a hand or say a word. It was awful. Luckily he got scared and ran away.

I hope you have someone to confide in, a friend or family.
And the rest of you, blaming her, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

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