Horrible end to date and now I feel awful

[Lemonxx]

I’m not sure posting here is the best idea but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life and I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to feel the way I feel.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month now and things were going well. I told him I was keen to take things slowly which he seemed on board with. We met yesterday at a bar close to his and were talking about a tv show we both wanted to watch so he suggested we go back to his to watch it. When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze. After all that he was struggling to ‘perform’ and I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway. We didn’t actually have proper sex but he kept trying and did other stuff and now I just feel very humiliated and teary even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation and looking back I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop and I’m not sure why. I should have been clearer.

I’ve barely slept all night and can’t face going into work today and just feel generally anxious. I haven’t heard from him since but as I was leaving last night he blamed me for him being unable to perform and said I didn’t “help him out” but I just felt so pressured and uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in that position in the first place.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel like I’m being stupid but I’m just so upset and keep replaying it in my head.

Take the day off work if you can, and block the arsehole on your phone and any social media. There’s no need to engage with him any further, he’ll know what he’s done. What a slimy guy.

Take the day off work, block him and look after yourself.

It's not enthusiastic consent though, is it? What kind of person wants to have sex with someone who isn't enthusiastically consenting?

I wonder if you felt pressured to go back to his in the first place?

I’m sorry you experienced this.

I can’t imagine the level of threat you must have felt under 😢

Yes you went back to his place but you’d been dating him for over a month, it wasn’t like you’d only met him a few days ago, so you had no reason to think you couldn’t trust him.

You did nothing wrong

I’ve been back to guy’s houses where there’s never been any intention of sleeping with them and I’ve not ended up in the situation you found yourself in because most men respect a woman’s boundaries. What happened to you was because of his sense of entitlement.

You going to his house didn’t suddenly turn him into an “opportunist” - he’s always been one. You going to his house wasn’t a green light for him to try and do whatever he wanted to you.

You going to his house isn’t what is to blame for this having happened.

Unfortunately there are some men out there who are not good ones and who believe they have the right to do whatever they want to women and sadly you came across one of them.

Do not blame yourself in any way for what happened.

Don’t make any initial contact with him.

If he texts you first though…..I know I would find it hard to keep quiet and I’d probably tell him exactly why I didn’t want to see him again and I wouldn’t hold back either.

But the most important thing is : do not blame yourself! You were sadly the woman he took advantage of and that vile character trait of his is no fault of yours.

It’s all down to him.

None of this was your fault, OP. Be kind to yourself. It was a horrible experience, because of someone who thought his desire to have sex was more important than your desire not to. Don’t see him again. Talk to a good friend or a therapist when you feel ready.

You've done nothing wrong. You can perhaps be a little bit grateful that he revealed himself to be a total twat before you went all the way with him, so you can put him out of your life.

Not sure that taking a day off work is necessarily the best idea. Might you be better off going straight into your normal routine?

Horrible excuse for a human….. block him, move on and believe you are worth so much more.
Maybe speak to somebody too…. He sounds absolutely vile and nobody should have to put up with that behaviour… xx

How vile. No means no

You were very clear you did not want that.
The freezing is quite normal - imagine a rabbit in a head lights they freeze because they recognise they are in danger and it takes a few seconds for their brain to kick in that they need to run.
When I was sexually assaulted as a child the bit I struggled with the most is I had frozen and not stopped him. But my mind was focused on what I needed to do to get out of the situation without him mortally wounding me.
Be kind to yourself. The guy is a dickhead.

"do not agree to go back to a man's house if you don't want to sleep with him yet"

Going back to someone's house is not a green light for sex in any situation, with any gender, at any time. No one should have the expectation of sex, especially if the person you are with has told you they don't want it/aren't ready etc.

To say she should have expected this because she willingly went to his house is akin to telling someone they deserved it because they were wearing a short skirt. It is never the victims fault.

Also OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have experienced similar in the past and it is a real head fuck, especially because you will think about it for a long time and he probably won't. He sounds horrible.

Please do what you need to do to look after yourself and please do not blame yourself. I know it's easy to do but none of this was your fault. Don't see him again, he clearly cannot be trusted. I am so sorry this happened.

Well you are wrong. Consent is actively given. She clearly didn't want it and demonstrated that in her words and actions. Stop being a rape apologist.

When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze.

^Sexual assault is defined as sexual touching without consent and carries a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault/#:~:text=Under%20the%20Sexual%20Offences%20Act,sentence%20of%20life%20in%20prison.

I've reported this for victim blaming so I hope it gets deleted but you need to reflect on what you've just written.

The only "mistake" she made was going on date with a nasty, coercive abuser. He would have behaved like this whenever she went home with him and his behaviour is unacceptable.

You are also a rape apologist. Disgusting.

It is if he kept touching her intimately after she said no .

Saddened but not shocked that there’s victim blaming male apologists telling the OP she needs to change her behaviour because obviously these poor men can’t control themselves so yet again apparently it’s women’s fault how men behave.

You’ve had a narrow escape.
Put it down to experience.
Take the day off if you can but work could be a distraction too?
Hes a creep. Block him and move on.

Tell him to fuck himself, then block him. Maybe next time he’s in this kind of scenario, he’ll think twice.

Ugh.

Oh, and this was NOT your fault.

All above but also tell him to think about how he behaves toward women and to take no for an answer .

The Op said

I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop

Exactly.
Can't expect sexually incontinent men to in any way be responsible for their actions, even when it's clearly against the law. Women just need to expect this behaviour 😡

The animal side? What the fuck, is that slang for "some men are rapists"?

There is no animal side to men: there are men who like abusing and assaulting women, and men who do not. Just as some men like beating and killing other people, there is nothing natural or basic or instinctual about it. It's not that other men have these instincts too but repress them to be "respectful" to women, it's that the men who assault women are rotten to their very core and do not treat women as real human beings.

OP this was NOT your fault!! This man pressured you and then blamed you. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, reach out to someone IRL if you feel able to. Sending you good thoughts and wishes.