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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible end to date and now I feel awful

138 replies

Lemonxx · 04/12/2023 08:10

I’m not sure posting here is the best idea but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life and I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to feel the way I feel.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month now and things were going well. I told him I was keen to take things slowly which he seemed on board with. We met yesterday at a bar close to his and were talking about a tv show we both wanted to watch so he suggested we go back to his to watch it. When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze. After all that he was struggling to ‘perform’ and I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway. We didn’t actually have proper sex but he kept trying and did other stuff and now I just feel very humiliated and teary even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation and looking back I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop and I’m not sure why. I should have been clearer.

I’ve barely slept all night and can’t face going into work today and just feel generally anxious. I haven’t heard from him since but as I was leaving last night he blamed me for him being unable to perform and said I didn’t “help him out” but I just felt so pressured and uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in that position in the first place.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel like I’m being stupid but I’m just so upset and keep replaying it in my head.

OP posts:
Epidote · 04/12/2023 13:11

I would think that was assault. I wouldn't think you had to fight back to a man to respect your initial no answer.

Zanatdy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 11:03

It is everybody’s responsibility, man or woman, to keep themselves safe. Advising a victim of a crime to take measures so that they do not go through that experience again is in no way victim blaming - it is sensible advice.

Why is that so hard to understand?

The man is an abuser and a fucking creep. OP can protect herself from his kind going forward by taking certain measures. These two beliefs are not mutually exclusive.

Show quote history

Absolutely. My son was robbed in a certain location in August, I told him not to go there again, I’d drive him instead. That’s not victim blaming and nor was advise here. I personally agree in not putting yourself in that position as we know many men don’t take no for an answer and will push and like OP it’s a very difficult situation to navigate. Best to stay away from mens homes unless ready to have sex

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 14:49

He assault and raped you, please go to the police, this happened to me. The Police were amazing and supportive x

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 14:56

Excuse me?? Don't dare blame a woman, for trusting a man!!! Why should we not go to a mans house?? Men shouldn't do this, assume a woman is coming for sex! It's disgusting, I fought my rapist off for 4 hours and then the next day, after I was sleeping off 6 hours of surgery, he had taken the fob to my garage the day before, then he let himself in and raped me! I don't know what is up with men nowadays?? I am 47 years old now and never had problems with men or relationships when I was young. In the last year, I have been raped in my home and then let a convicted DA-er into my life. I escaped him last week. The OP did NOTHING wrong here, NOTHING! She should go to the police, as this is serious and dangerous behavior's towards women and what he did to her, by force and cohesion is a criminal charge!

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 15:13

Life is not risk-free. We can never make life risk-free.

Now you can choose to pretend this is not the case and go to a stranger’s house alone - that is absolutely your and everyone’s right in a free society - but you can expect to be told by your loved ones that this is risky, irresponsible behaviour that could result in you getting hurt.

In a perfect world, we would be able to trust everybody - leave our front door unlocked, leave our handbag unattended in a public place, let young children play in the park unsupervised. But most people understand that we do not live in a perfect world and we have to take precautions to keep ourselves safe.

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 15:26

RUBBISH! Her family and friends will support her and love her, she did NOTHING wrong, so take your spurious scalding attitude elsewhere! Are you heartless, she's just suffered a serious sexual assault and you tell her that her loved ones will have a go! Get real!

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 15:26

Plus not a stranger, they'd dated a month!

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 15:29

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 15:26

Plus not a stranger, they'd dated a month!

A month is nothing!

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 15:37

CatMadam · 04/12/2023 11:07

But how do you know if someone’s ’absolutely trustworthy?’ In many cases, like in ops, you only realise someone isn't safe when they do something like this. Also, not saying no in a situation like this has nothing to do with self confidence. Freezing is a very common response to sexual assault.

Show quote history

Giving it more time is one way. I personally don't consider myself such a great judge of character that I'd know someone was trustworthy after only a few hours spent in their company over a matter of weeks. And I've been around and met a great many men over the past 40+ years of adulthood.

It's also best to be very clear and not use euphemisms. "Sorry, I don't have sex until we've known one another at least three months." "Sorry, I prefer to meet up in public for now."

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 15:38

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 15:26

RUBBISH! Her family and friends will support her and love her, she did NOTHING wrong, so take your spurious scalding attitude elsewhere! Are you heartless, she's just suffered a serious sexual assault and you tell her that her loved ones will have a go! Get real!

I can’t believe what I’m reading. So a woman should only ever enter a man’s home if she’s up for sex apparently and if he sexually assaults her she should have taken better precautions.

Seriously WTAF?? This isn’t a random stranger, it’s someone she’s building a bond with.

I would say that going to a man’s house for a first or second date isn’t maybe a great idea but at some point there’s a desire for alone time which doesn’t necessarily mean sex is on the cards.

Inthebitterend · 04/12/2023 15:54

If OP came here and said she will never trust another man again and all men are capable of being rapists, she'd be called a man hater etc. But basically that is what a lot of these replies are saying. So should we assume all men are rapists and never go anywhere alone with them? Or should we hold men to higher standards and teach boys about consent from an early age so women and girls can not be blamed for this behaviour? Like is this 1950 or 2023? We're still blaming the women who are in the situation instead of the people who do this to them??

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 16:02

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 15:38

I can’t believe what I’m reading. So a woman should only ever enter a man’s home if she’s up for sex apparently and if he sexually assaults her she should have taken better precautions.

Seriously WTAF?? This isn’t a random stranger, it’s someone she’s building a bond with.

I would say that going to a man’s house for a first or second date isn’t maybe a great idea but at some point there’s a desire for alone time which doesn’t necessarily mean sex is on the cards.

Show quote history

Given we live in a world where crime is unfortunately a reality, what would you advise a son or daughter when they go out into the world? Would you advise them to trust everybody, or to take necessary precautions? Would you instill in them a confidence that enables them to take control of situations and stand up for themselves, or would you just think ‘oh well, their good nature doesn’t put them at risk because everyone they encounter will be decent’?

Going to a stranger’s house alone is not a risk-free activity - what kind of deluded, fanciful existence must people have to believe such a thing?

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 16:08

Inthebitterend · 04/12/2023 15:54

If OP came here and said she will never trust another man again and all men are capable of being rapists, she'd be called a man hater etc. But basically that is what a lot of these replies are saying. So should we assume all men are rapists and never go anywhere alone with them? Or should we hold men to higher standards and teach boys about consent from an early age so women and girls can not be blamed for this behaviour? Like is this 1950 or 2023? We're still blaming the women who are in the situation instead of the people who do this to them??

Teaching teenage boys about consent is not going to prevent a rapist from preying on women. Least of all because most rapists are not teenage boys who are exposed to the SRE curriculum.

The only person to blame for the crime of rape is the rapist - I not once suggested otherwise. This does not mean that as women (or men) we can’t take measures to protect ourselves from crime.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 16:15

@Usernamen Going to a stranger’s house alone is not a risk-free activity - what kind of deluded, fanciful existence must people have to believe such a thing?

Yes, agree.

It's safest to live in reality, not in the world we wish existed.

I hope OP can access some counseling and feel better soon. 💐

AdamRyan · 04/12/2023 16:21

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 16:15

@Usernamen Going to a stranger’s house alone is not a risk-free activity - what kind of deluded, fanciful existence must people have to believe such a thing?

Yes, agree.

It's safest to live in reality, not in the world we wish existed.

I hope OP can access some counseling and feel better soon. 💐

Yeah, I know. It's too much to expect men to behave like human beings so better teach women to avoid being alone with them. Whilst also simultaneously teaching women NAMALT should anyone want to discuss the unacceptably high levels of rape and sexual assault men subject us to 🙄

Inthebitterend · 04/12/2023 17:17

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 16:08

Teaching teenage boys about consent is not going to prevent a rapist from preying on women. Least of all because most rapists are not teenage boys who are exposed to the SRE curriculum.

The only person to blame for the crime of rape is the rapist - I not once suggested otherwise. This does not mean that as women (or men) we can’t take measures to protect ourselves from crime.

Show quote history

"Teaching teenage boys about consent is not going to prevent a rapist from preying on women. Least of all because most rapists are not teenage boys who are exposed to the SRE curriculum."

All future potential rapists are (mostly) boys who go to school. Teaching consent early will hopefully help future situations like the above - where it isn't rape per se but it's definitely assault. Rape isn't just scary monsters down dark alley ways - it's nearly always someone known to the victim in some way. Hopefully some education will make boys stop in the future when they are in these kind of situations and check in on their partner instead of just going for it regardless because they "didn't say no".

We can take measures but how will you ever know who to be scared of without being scared of everyone? This person wasn't a stranger to the OP but he still did something explicitly wrong. I have been in a similar situation with someone I thought I could trust. We can't just assume everyone is a danger or we'd never trust anyone.

Inthebitterend · 04/12/2023 17:18

AdamRyan · 04/12/2023 16:21

Yeah, I know. It's too much to expect men to behave like human beings so better teach women to avoid being alone with them. Whilst also simultaneously teaching women NAMALT should anyone want to discuss the unacceptably high levels of rape and sexual assault men subject us to 🙄

Show quote history

Women can't win. We either trust everyone because not all men, or we get ourselves into these situations by not being cautious/confident enough. We can't do anything right, including being victims.

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 18:13

NAMALT is an absolute crock.

Every woman has the right to be wary of strangers, particularly men.

Whoever judges women for this is not living in the real world, quite frankly.

movingon47 · 04/12/2023 18:46

you're talking to the wrong person, i was pulling her up for victim blaming!

Aria999 · 04/12/2023 18:50

Never see him again. He tried to rape you. No wonder you are shaken up.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 18:51

Being pressured into sex is not ok. You freezing is not you giving consent. Delete his number.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 18:55

Trying not to throw my phone T the wall, so enraging are some of these posts.

NoWayNarc · 04/12/2023 19:04

OP I haven’t read the other replies yet but if it hasn’t been mentioned, please contact rape crisis.

This situation was not your fault. It’s obvious when someone does and doesn’t want to have sex, and he ignored your boundaries and requests. The majority of the time women don’t say an explicit ‘no’ and freeze because it’s what we do to live, to survive - something that ‘confronting’ or that may be perceived by a male as rejection can cost us our life.

It is not your fault.

Cut contact with him and seek support, I’m sorry this happened to you. He is a rapist.

NoWayNarc · 04/12/2023 19:24

Zanatdy · 04/12/2023 13:38

Absolutely. My son was robbed in a certain location in August, I told him not to go there again, I’d drive him instead. That’s not victim blaming and nor was advise here. I personally agree in not putting yourself in that position as we know many men don’t take no for an answer and will push and like OP it’s a very difficult situation to navigate. Best to stay away from mens homes unless ready to have sex

Show quote history

So should she find out he’s a pushy rapist now or later?

A rapist is a rapist no matter how long you’ve known them, she is entitled to withdraw consent to sex at any time, even if she is ‘ready to have sex’.

Readingineading · 04/12/2023 19:32

Well if I didnt think that MN had been infiltrated by incels before reading this thread I do now.
Fucks sake 😡😡