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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible end to date and now I feel awful

138 replies

Lemonxx · 04/12/2023 08:10

I’m not sure posting here is the best idea but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life and I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to feel the way I feel.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month now and things were going well. I told him I was keen to take things slowly which he seemed on board with. We met yesterday at a bar close to his and were talking about a tv show we both wanted to watch so he suggested we go back to his to watch it. When we got back to his he kept trying to initiate sex which I said I didn’t want to get carried away and reiterated that I wanted to take things slowly. He kept persisting and in the end I froze. After all that he was struggling to ‘perform’ and I kept saying that we should call it a night and take a break but he kept carrying on anyway. We didn’t actually have proper sex but he kept trying and did other stuff and now I just feel very humiliated and teary even though it was my own stupid fault for putting myself in that situation and looking back I didn’t even explicitly say no or ask him to stop and I’m not sure why. I should have been clearer.

I’ve barely slept all night and can’t face going into work today and just feel generally anxious. I haven’t heard from him since but as I was leaving last night he blamed me for him being unable to perform and said I didn’t “help him out” but I just felt so pressured and uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in that position in the first place.

I don’t know what to do now because I feel like I’m being stupid but I’m just so upset and keep replaying it in my head.

OP posts:
SWSO · 04/12/2023 09:48

Inthebitterend · 04/12/2023 09:26

"do not agree to go back to a man's house if you don't want to sleep with him yet"

Going back to someone's house is not a green light for sex in any situation, with any gender, at any time. No one should have the expectation of sex, especially if the person you are with has told you they don't want it/aren't ready etc.

To say she should have expected this because she willingly went to his house is akin to telling someone they deserved it because they were wearing a short skirt. It is never the victims fault.

Sadly some men will think this is a green light for go where sex is concerned and will try something. He should have respected her boundaries when she said no and stopped .

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 09:49

@Lemonxx live and learn. There is nothing that you did wrong but it is understandable to feel crap. Women often do.

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/12/2023 09:52

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 09:49

@Lemonxx live and learn. There is nothing that you did wrong but it is understandable to feel crap. Women often do.

It's so sad that the lesson women learn when we live is that some men will pressure us into sex or assault is given half the chance.

MsRosley · 04/12/2023 09:53

I agree with others. You feel horrible, OP, because you've been sexually assaulted. Do you feel up to reporting him to the police? Even if he's just taken in for questioning, it will probably scare him into never trying that shit with anyone else.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2023 09:53

Sounds TBH as if you’ve had a lucky escape. Try to look at it like that - and don’t blame yourself! It wasn’t your fault.

Onemoretimeok · 04/12/2023 09:57

I’m not surprised you feel horrid, that’s a horrible experience, and sadly one that lots of us can probably relate to. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to take control and tell him that you don’t want to see him again, and then BLOCK him on everything.

Headband · 04/12/2023 09:58

It might not have been a clear no but it is clear the op wasn't keen and unless a woman is totally willing, men should recognise this and stop .

themusingsofaninsomniac · 04/12/2023 09:59

This guy has sexually assaulted you. No wonder you feel awful. Just because you struggled to say no, you also didn't say yes and I think the wording you did use made it very clear you were saying no to be honest.

And for him to then blame it on you on top... he is not a good guy. Block him, get an STD test and if you feel you need someone to talk to about it all then I'd definitely call a helpline or something like that.

Sorry that this happened to you but this is 100% not your fault, all his, don't apologise to him or speak to him again. He sounds like a manipulative bastard.

3peassuit · 04/12/2023 10:00

He kept persisting and touching you after you said no, that’s assault. You have done nothing wrong. He’s disgusting. Block him

misspositivepants · 04/12/2023 10:06

All those people saying she didn’t say ‘no’ she didn’t say ‘yes’ either.

I hope you’re not currently bringing up the next generation of men.

jeeze

oakleaffy · 04/12/2023 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Definitely not a good idea to go back to a man's place {or have him at yours} in a 'dating' scenario unless he is absolutely trustworthy- and you have enough self confidence to say ''NO!''.

Definitely don't see this asshole again.

Edit : ''Let's take things slowly'' isn't a ''No''...it needs to be much clearer in future for your own wellbeing.

Dating men is risky- many are just after sex.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2023 10:10

This thread exemplifies the low sexual assault conviction rates.

Any hint of no, I don’t want to etc is a’no consent’. There’s a reason he didn’t stop or try to ensure it was a yes - he meant to violate the OP. Thankfully his dick doesn’t agree with his ego.

Being persistent is assault and I’m sorry you’ve experienced this OP.

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 10:17

misspositivepants · 04/12/2023 10:06

All those people saying she didn’t say ‘no’ she didn’t say ‘yes’ either.

I hope you’re not currently bringing up the next generation of men.

jeeze

I can also say let's hope you're not bringing up the new generation of women as we have to ensure that they are strong, have boundaries and are able to remove themselves from situations. We can't leave it entirely to men to wait on a No or a Yes. That situation should not even be reached in a normal social setting. As the nuns used to say "Stand up, switch the light on and shout I am a Roman Catholic". Maybe they had the right kick ass attitude after all.

Itham · 04/12/2023 10:18

It doesn't sound as though 'enthusiastic consent' was given or implied by the OP in any way. Not actually saying 'no' is irrelevant.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2023 10:19

Firstly Sexual assault which is what it was is never the victims fault, EVER!
I could of course be wildly wrong but I can well imagine his done this before.

Uol2022 · 04/12/2023 10:23

If he noticed you weren’t “helping him out” then he noticed you weren’t enthusiastic. A decent person will never want to push you into anything sexual that you’re not 100% happy about. There’s no excuse. My bf has a high sex drive and definitely finds a lack of sex difficult even after a couple of days. We were apart for over a year due to covid. He still checked for real enthusiastic consent when we were together again. Someone who cares about you will always want to know that you’re really truly enjoying it too and will never want to make you uncomfortable in bed. His own horniness or hopes about how the evening might go are no excuse at all. This person obviously saw you weren’t keen, he should have stopped and talked to you. You didn’t do anything wrong. The freeze response is common and automatic and also very easy for someone else to see and interpret. He behaved horribly.

misspositivepants · 04/12/2023 10:23

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 10:17

I can also say let's hope you're not bringing up the new generation of women as we have to ensure that they are strong, have boundaries and are able to remove themselves from situations. We can't leave it entirely to men to wait on a No or a Yes. That situation should not even be reached in a normal social setting. As the nuns used to say "Stand up, switch the light on and shout I am a Roman Catholic". Maybe they had the right kick ass attitude after all.

Show quote history

Not quite as simple as that is it though? People have different experiences and that determines things like being able to speak up in situations like this.

obtaining consent is as simple as asking ‘do you want to have sex’. If someone is saying I want to take it slow, that is pretty clear cut you don’t then continue to harass them and coerce them into being intimate. The 2 are not comparable at all.

the tea analogy works well here ‘do you want a cup of tea?’ ‘No thanks’ you don’t then go and make them a cup of tea and force them to drink it.

victim blaming is not acceptable.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2023 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Just because she went back to his house its not a green light for sex😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠. Regardless of what he might have believed. 😠😠😠😠😠😠. Incase no one has noticed I'm very angry and upset at this comment.

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 10:26

What happened to you, OP, is absolutely not your fault. Please take all of the good advice on this thread - block him, never see him again, take some time off work and look after yourself.

What you must do though it not put yourself in that situation again. When something very similar happened to me a few years ago I vowed to always make my boundaries crystal clear with men (I actually never went back to a guy’s place unless I was ready to have sex with him). We are responsible for our safety and there are a lot of fucking entitled men out there who will try their chances given half the opportunity. We need to get wise to their bullshit and put ourselves first.

AdamRyan · 04/12/2023 10:28

AllisColm · 04/12/2023 10:17

I can also say let's hope you're not bringing up the new generation of women as we have to ensure that they are strong, have boundaries and are able to remove themselves from situations. We can't leave it entirely to men to wait on a No or a Yes. That situation should not even be reached in a normal social setting. As the nuns used to say "Stand up, switch the light on and shout I am a Roman Catholic". Maybe they had the right kick ass attitude after all.

Show quote history

We can't leave it entirely to men to wait on a No or a Yes
Really? We can't expect men not to be rapists?

Being strong as a woman is about being able to recognise when a situation you've been in is entirely the fault of an abusive man and not spend time or energy in looking for reasons you might have deserved it.

Putting an expectation on women to "remove themselves from situations" is facilitating abusers. You are a rape apologist.

Curiosity101 · 04/12/2023 10:28

I'll be teaching my children about enthusiastic consent.

Enthusiastic consent - looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”

A nice article on enthusiastic consent

OP - You did nothing wrong. You said no in plenty of ways, he should have listened. Steer clear of him in future, you've had a lucky escape. I would consider reporting him if you feel able.

What enthusiastic consent actually looks like

https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html

Beamur · 04/12/2023 10:30

You've had a horrible experience, no wonder you feel shaken.
You didn't consent to this and a man with more respect for you wouldn't have pushed it.
Can you take the day off and just process your feelings? I wouldn't contact him again.
Are you likely to see him around or can you block him?
I think this has demonstrated very clearly that there's no future in this for you.
Agreeing to coffee/dinner/TV is not agreeing to sex.
Freezing is a very common reaction to threat or fear. Really don't berate yourself for not doing more. Freezing is a self preservation reaction.

AdamRyan · 04/12/2023 10:30

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2023 10:19

Firstly Sexual assault which is what it was is never the victims fault, EVER!
I could of course be wildly wrong but I can well imagine his done this before.

Of course he has. All his bollocks about his performance as she left was to gaslight her into thinking somehow he thought she consented and guilt trip her into feeling like shes in the wrong. And it worked. He's a nasty little prick and I bet he doesn't contact her again.

Wish there was a way to name and shame these creeps on apps. Maybe there should be a review function so women can warn each other

AdamRyan · 04/12/2023 10:33

Usernamen · 04/12/2023 10:26

What happened to you, OP, is absolutely not your fault. Please take all of the good advice on this thread - block him, never see him again, take some time off work and look after yourself.

What you must do though it not put yourself in that situation again. When something very similar happened to me a few years ago I vowed to always make my boundaries crystal clear with men (I actually never went back to a guy’s place unless I was ready to have sex with him). We are responsible for our safety and there are a lot of fucking entitled men out there who will try their chances given half the opportunity. We need to get wise to their bullshit and put ourselves first.

Fuck off with your victim blaming shit
Do you think if she'd waited until she was ready that everything would be lovely and the sex would be great?
Of course not, because he's a manipulative coercive abuser. More likely it would be harder to walk away because she'd be more attached. So she'd be stuck in a sexually abusive relationship.
She's had a lucky escape.

Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2023 10:34

I can't believe what I'm reading in the comments. Are you all quite well? How dare you victim blame!! Would you be happy if the OP was your daughter?

OP, you did not say yes to this 'man', you have said on several occasions to take it slow. You had no reason to think, when going back to his, he was not going to respect your wishes.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Block this man and never see him again. Take a couple of days to look after yourself and please reach out to someone you trust in real life.